There are some things NOT to say
"Ask
April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League"
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She will tell me how her past lovers were bigger and better than me or will call me by the waiters name and tell him (me) how much bigger and better he is compared to her husband. Is this wrong to do?
Q: Dear April,
I come from a country where arranged marriages are the norm. And
when I emigrated to America, I was so excited to get away from
that—to marry someone because of love! But now I don’t know.
I look around and see everyone here getting divorced, or having a lot of relationship troubles—much more than I ever saw in my home country.
I still want to choose the person I want to marry, but I’m
wondering: Do you think there’s something we can learn from arranged
marriages about how to stay together?
Sincerely,
Making Arrangements
A: Dear Making Arrangements,
They may not be what most of the west thinks of as a “romantic” way
to start off a relationship, but arranged marriages have a success
rate that westerners could only dream of! This isn’t to say, though,
that arranged marriages don’t come without their fair share of
problems, or even that their low divorce rate is a sign of a good
marriage, because they do…and it’s not necessarily.
But out of all the possible reasons sociologists speculate these arranged marriages stay together—from religion and law to family and money—there are two that we can most definitely learn from…even right here in the good ol’ US of A.
Commitment
Let’s face it—we here in the land of wealth and opportunity are
pretty spoiled when compared to the rest of the world. We’re told
from a young age that our dreams can come true, that we can have
careers instead of jobs, that bigger really is better, that you can
Date Out of Your League (as even I professed in my book by that
name), and that we should wait and marry the person who we love the
most…our “soul mates”. Oh, and if that whole soul mate thing doesn’t
work out, well, there’s always divorce. And thank the heavens for
all of them. I would certainly never advocate that you don’t follow
your dreams, always strive for more, or stay in a marriage that
ultimately makes you unhappy.
But, for a people who are so lucky and successful and (seemingly) smart, the ever-increasing divorce rates, and lack of faithfulness in many marriages begs the question—what are we doing wrong?
The answer, I think, comes in the form of commitment…or our lack thereof. Because we, unlike our arranged marriage friends, choose to marry for love, we also can very easily feel that when that love fades, so too should the marriage. It seems like it just makes sense. The problem, though, is that love always changes. It ebbs. It flows. It fades…and it can come back, too.
The advantage that arranged marriages have is that there is no illusion of love to begin with. There is a shared idea that the marriage will work because they are going to make it work. And in so doing, love often arises. Love, for them, is not a lightning bolt that hits you from the sky, or the sweet sting of cupid’s arrow. Love is a result of being committed to each other through thick and thin. Love is…commitment.
Community
Another important advantage that cultures based around arranged
marriages have is the support of their community—both immediate and
more wide-reaching. In fact, in most of these cultures, the entire
community is set up to support the success of the married couple,
from the family to the laws of the society.
We, on the other hand, are more geared toward supporting the wedding day than the marriage itself. We place emphasis—and lots of money—on the white dress, and the perfect bouquet, and significantly less on making it work once the big day is over. Just look at all of the couples who go into financial debt trying to pay for a huge wedding that lasts a few hours, then have no savings to start off the marriage!
But again, all of this isn’t to say that I would ever want to have
an arranged marriage, or be forced into that situation, as many
people are. We do have the advantage to marry for love, and it’s one
I plan on keeping. It just wouldn’t hurt us to learn a few lessons
from arranged marriages. They’ve been around a lot longer than our
romantic ones, and, if we keep divorcing at the same rate and going
about ours with the same careless attitudes, might be around long
after ours are gone.
Ready for even more bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web site, www.Ask April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real "soul mate"!
© 2006 April Masini - www.Ask April.com
BRIEF BIO
April Masini is a recognized and award winning
producer, author, columnist, motivational speaker, relationship and
success expert—with politically incorrect twist. Sure to raise
eyebrows, generate buzz … and INSPIRE RESULTS!
Standing 5 feet, 8 inches tall, with a lean 127-pound body, and
38-26-36 proportions, it's not hard to understand why April Masini's
impressive list of accomplishments is not the first thing that pops
into a guy's mind upon meeting her. But April is much more than a
blonde bombshell.
Though she started off her career as a model and actress,
April has moved on to become a persuasive public speaker and
President/CEO of Masini Television & Film Enterprises, LLC in
Honolulu, and Masini Enterprises, Inc. in Los Angeles.
On January 26, 2004, April's no-holds-barred advice book, "Date Out of Your League" hit the stands, causing controversy with her witty, well-endowed, naughty alter-ego, High Voltage Blonde, her brutally honest, uncensored advice, and her sometimes politically incorrect message.... But controversy quickly turned into interest, and then followings, when the most widely read newspapers, magazines, and Web sites, around the world, began seeking out April's comments, opinions, and expertise.
In fact, April became so popular that in February, 2004, "Ask April" was launched simultaneously on two of FORBES Magazine's "Best on the Web" winners, MillionaireMatch.com, who not only won with FORBES in 2003, but was also singled out by the WALL STREET JOURNAL; along with aLoveLinksPlus, who took FORBES top award in 2001 and 2002. Then "Ask April" jumped the Pacific with MyNippon.com the hugely popular Japanese site devoted to romance techniques.
When April isn’t writing, this former model/actress is leading seminars, guest lecturing, or dedicating her time to Masini Enterprises—her multifaceted television and film production company whose accomplishments have been recognized, record-breaking, and award winning, with strong connections to everything from "Baywatch" and "Blue Crush" to "LifeStyles of the Rich & Famous" and "The Miss Universe Pageant."
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