"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Q:
Dear April,
I come from a country where arranged marriages are the norm. And when
I emigrated to America, I was so excited to get away from that—to
marry someone because of love! But now I don’t know.
I look around and
see everyone here getting divorced, or having a lot of relationship
troubles—much more than I ever saw in my home country.
I still want to
choose the person I want to marry, but I’m wondering: Do you think
there’s something we can learn from arranged marriages about how to
stay together?
Sincerely,
Making Arrangements
A:
Dear Making Arrangements,
They may not be what most of the west thinks of as a “romantic” way to
start off a relationship, but arranged marriages have a success rate
that westerners could only dream of! This isn’t to say, though, that
arranged marriages don’t come without their fair share of problems, or
even that their low divorce rate is a sign of a good marriage, because
they do…and it’s not necessarily.
But out of all the possible reasons sociologists speculate these
arranged marriages stay together—from religion and law to family and
money—there are two that we can most definitely learn from…even right
here in the good ol’ US of A.
Commitment
Let’s face it—we here in the land of wealth and opportunity are pretty
spoiled when compared to the rest of the world. We’re told from a
young age that our dreams can come true, that we can have careers
instead of jobs, that bigger really is better, that you can Date Out
of Your League (as even I professed in my book by that name), and that
we should wait and marry the person who we love the most…our “soul
mates”. Oh, and if that whole soul mate thing doesn’t work out, well,
there’s always divorce. And thank the heavens for all of them. I would
certainly never advocate that you don’t follow your dreams, always
strive for more, or stay in a marriage that ultimately makes you
unhappy.
But, for a people who are so lucky and successful and (seemingly)
smart, the ever-increasing divorce rates, and lack of faithfulness in
many marriages begs the question—what are we doing wrong?
The answer, I think, comes in the form of commitment…or our lack
thereof. Because we, unlike our arranged marriage friends, choose to
marry for love, we also can very easily feel that when that love
fades, so too should the marriage. It seems like it just makes sense.
The problem, though, is that love always changes. It ebbs. It flows.
It fades…and it can come back, too.
The advantage that arranged marriages have is that there is no
illusion of love to begin with. There is a shared idea that the
marriage will work because they are going to make it work. And in so
doing, love often arises. Love, for them, is not a lightning bolt that
hits you from the sky, or the sweet sting of cupid’s arrow. Love is a
result of being committed to each other through thick and thin. Love
is…commitment.
Community
Another important advantage that cultures based around arranged
marriages have is the support of their community—both immediate and
more wide-reaching. In fact, in most of these cultures, the entire
community is set up to support the success of the married couple, from
the family to the laws of the society.
We, on the other hand, are more geared toward supporting the wedding
day than the marriage itself. We place emphasis—and lots of money—on
the white dress, and the perfect bouquet, and significantly less on
making it work once the big day is over. Just look at all of the
couples who go into financial debt trying to pay for a huge wedding
that lasts a few hours, then have no savings to start off the
marriage!
But again, all of this isn’t to say that I would ever want to have an
arranged marriage, or be forced into that situation, as many people
are. We do have the advantage to marry for love, and it’s one I plan
on keeping. It just wouldn’t hurt us to learn a few lessons from
arranged marriages. They’ve been around a lot longer than our romantic
ones, and, if we keep divorcing at the same rate and going about ours
with the same careless attitudes, might be around long after ours are
gone.
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site, www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
© 2003-2008 April Masini
Making it happen for you
If you’re ready to get serious about finding a relationship that will
really work for you—but aren’t quite ready to sign up for an arranged
marriage—then my workshops on dating, love, and all around success
might be just what the doctor ordered. Please visit
www.AskApril.com, and click on “Workshops” for more
information. You’ll also find a ton of other articles, fun,
interactive quizzes, and FREE giveaways! See you there…
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