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Q:
Dear April,
All my friends tell me I’m in an unhealthy relationship because my
boyfriend and I fight a lot – but I love him. How do I know whether
I should get out or stay in?
Signed, Fight Club
A:
Dear Fight Club:
The way to tell if a relationship is unhealthy or not depends a lot
on what your expectations are for a healthy relationship and what
your partner's expectations are. There is also a big difference
between an unhealthy relationship and a compatible relationship.
Fashionable Relationships
A healthy relationship is often determined by popular wisdom and
this definition changes over time. At one time divorce was thought
to be very unhealthy. Now, divorce is the norm and there are new
"rules" for what constitutes a healthy or unhealthy relationship. At
another time, keeping a problem to oneself was considered
appropriate behavior, but now, therapy and counseling in doctor’s
offices or on television in front of the whole world are considered
appropriate. Fashion isn’t just about hemlines – there is also
fashionable behavior, fashionable couple dynamics and fashionable
manners. Society determines what the fashion is. You determine what
works for you. So don’t fall victim to peer pressure. A fashion
victim isn’t just a person wearing a bad dress. Giving up a
relationship that works for you because it isn’t what your friends
are comfortable with may make you just as much a victim and more of
a loser in love than anyone showing up on a worst dressed list!
Get In Touch
That said many men and women do find themselves in unhealthy
relationships that they can’t see. They rationalize and justify
hurtful behavior over and over again and are not able to get
themselves out of a bad situation because they don’t realize it’s
bad to begin with. They think it’s normal. While this may sound
crazy to anyone in a good relationship, think about times you have
gotten in a bad mood that with a little time becomes a very foul
mood. Suddenly you eat a meal and feel amazingly better. The world
seems bright and sunny again instead of gloomy and overcast. What
happened? You were hungry and you didn’t know it. You ate and your
mood changed. The same thing happens in relationships when you’re
down and depressed and you don’t know why. You can’t see that the
relationship you’re in is unhealthy, but if you adjust it or even
get out of it, you’ll feel a million times better.
Don’t Give Up If You Don’t Fit The Mold
If someone knew the secret to a great relationship that stayed great
and never wavered, they’d be rich and famous. But that equation
doesn’t exist. So if you do have a relationship that feels good to
you and it doesn’t fit the mold of “normal” don’t be too quick to
question it or give it up .
A compatible relationship may involve qualities that experts or
friends and neighbors think is unhealthy, but both people in the
relationship are happy, so the relationship is a compatible and can
be long-lasting or life-long. For example, some people feel that if
women stay home and have babies and raise children they are being
denied their rights to be fully developed individuals, and are even
sometimes labeled abused, yet the couple seems perfectly happy. This
may be a couple that is considered unhealthy, but happens to be
compatible.
How To Know If You’re In An Abusive Relationship
I believe that any relationship where a person is being physically
hit and hurt is an unhealthy and abusive relationship. In addition
to that there is often mental and emotional abuse that leads up to
this dynamic and needs to be included in the definition of an
abusive relationship.
Signs of this abuse may be, obviously, black eyes, bruises, broken
bones, limps, etc. When asked how the injury occurred, the abused
very often lies to protect the abuser. If reasons for injuries don't
add up, you may be looking at an abuse victim of an unhealthy
relationship.
Depression is a sign of an unhealthy relationship, and this
depression is often manifested in a lot of sleeping, trouble finding
joy in everyday life, and a sudden weight loss or gain or lack of
appetite. Drinking heavily and increased use of medication -- over
the counter, prescription or illegal substance abuse all count as
signs of poor health that may come from an unhealthy relationship.
Teen Partner Abuse
Teen partner abuse is not a lot different than adult partner abuse
-- except that finding the cause of the abuse is often a little
easier because there is less history in a teen than in an adult who
abuses . Many teens that abuse other teens do so because they need
an outlet for some awful feelings that they have not processed.
Acting out the feelings is a way of processing them. Many times the
teen abuser is abused at home or in some other part of life. Other
times, the teen abuser is under enormous pressure of some kind, and
violence or other kinds of abuse are the way they cope with their
own pressure.
The victims of abuse often have a sense that either they are not
worthy of a non-abusive relationship -- even though this can be
extremely subtle and difficult to spot -- or they feel that they can
save this person or help them somehow, and allow themselves to be
abused as part of their own process of saving their partner.
Regardless of the reasons for teen partner abuse, anyone who
suspects a teen of being abused should immediately report their
suspicious to the teen's parents or a school counselor who is better
equipped to handle this type of situation. The bright side of teen
partner abuse is that if it is spotted while the abuser and victim
are in their teens, there is a chance to help both partners before
they become adult abusers and victims.
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site,
www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
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"soul mate"!
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