"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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When to (and when not to)
introduce the family
Q:
My boyfriend just invited me to spend Christmas Eve with his family
and I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’m excited that he’s
bringing me home to meet his family. On the other hand, I’m freaked
out… All these questions are racing through my mind now like should
I reciprocate, and invite him back to my house? I’m so embarrassed
of my own parents. I really like this guy. Help me!
Signed,
Guess who’s coming to dinner – me!
A:
Dear Dinner Guest:
You’re probably not the only one who’s nervous. Introducing a
boyfriend or girlfriend to your family for the first time is a major
step in any relationship that announces, "We're serious." No one
should introduce a boyfriend to your family unless this is someone
you want to go all the way with -- and I DON'T mean sex. I mean
marriage or a long term, committed relationship. If you’re not
serious about him, don’t bring him home to meet the family – unless
it’s in a group of your friends who are coming for dinner.
That said if he is “the one,” you’re going to have deal with the
fact that families can be embarrassing. It’s chronic; it’s
historical, and it doesn’t end except with familiarity, and that
involves conquering fear, which you may want to read about in my new
book, Think & Date Like a Man, where I offer extensive tips on fear
and confidence that you need for these situations and more. But for
now, here are a few tips to make everyone feel at ease.
1. If someone in your family is racist, anti-semitic or a
serial-insulter, alert your girlfriend or boyfriend, and decide
ahead of time how you both are going to handle any negative
outcomes, should they arise. Whenever family has differences --
whether political, social or person -- with someone you’re
introducing, there can be sparks. Make a few back up plans. If Uncle
Ernie starts making racist comments, or disparaging remarks over the
fact that your boyfriend is an actor, or unemployed, or a no-good
lawyer, you and the boyfriend can decide to confront Uncle Ernie,
laugh it off, let it go, or leave. Those are just a few options. You
can come up with half a dozen more on your own. This is a good life
tool for couples to have in their relationship toolbox. If you and
your boyfriend don’t feel victimized by the relatives personalities
and foibles, you’re much more likely to relax and have a great time.
2. If anyone in your family is alcoholic, recovering from something
like an eating disorder, drug abuse, or has a chronic illness, or a
new divorce, you should let your boyfriend know so he doesn't show
up with a case of wine as a gift or make jokes about dying or any
other topic that may be off color given the circumstances.
3. One of the worst anxieties has to do with "what could happen." A
way to alleviate this is get your fears out on the table. Tell your
boyfriend (or a girlfriend or two, over a lunch date) what your
fears are. Get them ALL out. Everything. Once you talk it through,
the big scary fears may get deflated. In addition, your girlfriend
or boyfriend may be able to tell you all about their own awful
family embarrassments, so you don't feel so alone. What you thought
was the worst thing possible, compared with his "war stories"
suddenly seem pretty mundane.
4. Discuss a hostess gift with your boyfriend. Some guys don't know
that they should bring a gift to your mother. Educate him. Tell him
what she would really like. Or what your dad would like. If this is
a holiday gathering, a fail safe gift is a holiday plant like a
Poinsettia, or festive centerpiece , also great are a box of goodies
for the entire family. If the family loves music, he might want to
burn them a compilation of great holiday songs, which is very
thoughtful, and they can put it on the stereo and have something to
listen to and talk about. Regardless of what it is, when he shows up
at the door with a big gift basket, a bunch of CDs that he either
bought or burned himself, the attention will be on the gift, and you
can avoid any awkward getting to know you silences or not quite
knowing what to say.
5. Remember, this is not the time to give a complete resume of your
life. The goal of the visit is to have a nice time and keep it
light. If you do, there will plenty more visits to come where you
get to know his or her family bit by bit.
Finally, a few tips to take way:
* Never show up to a party or a dinner empty-handed. It's bad
manners and it's inconsiderate. Whether it's a cocktail party, a
dinner party, a Christmas party or you're a weekend guest at
someone's home, bring something. Visit my column on “Gifts
to Give When You’re A Guest” if you are unsure of the rules or
need some advice, tips and ideas.
* Gift Giving doesn’t have to be stressful…. When in doubt, visit
AskApril.com’s “Gift
Giving Rules, Tips & Advice" column --it offers answers and
solutions to all your gift giving questions, along with tips and
advice for any (and every) gift giving occasion.
Follow these tips, relax, and enjoy your holiday visit!
Happy Holidays
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site,
www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
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