"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
Read chapters from April Masini's books here
Q: Dear April,
I am a divorced, 41 year-old, black female. I have three children. I
also have an STD. My ex-husband has found a mate. We have been
divorced for three years. I have been going on every web site there
is looking for a mate for myself. I am very lonely and hurt that I
can't seem to find someone for me. Guys will write me, and when I
answer them, then they never write back. What am I am doing wrong?
Depressed and Lonely
A: Dear Depressed and Lonely,
Woah, nelly! It sounds like you may be competing with your ex, and
that's a game no one wins. Take yourself out of the game, and make
your own rules. Here are some rules that you can use until you
modify them and/or come up with your own:
1. Take inventory of your feelings. You already acknowledge in your
letter that you are lonely and depressed. Good job! You've
identified two feelings that you don't like. Many times change comes
from unpleasant feelings. In other words, things get so bad you
can’t stand it any more so you make a change in order to not feel
those bad feelings any more. So let’s look at the bad feelings that
you’ve already identified.
2. Address your feelings. You say you’re depressed. To address
depression, first and foremost, you need to take care of your
health. You mentioned an STD, so make sure that you see a doctor and
get medical advice on the best way to take care of your body. When
you get proper medical care you’ll feel better because there is a
mind-body connection. You’ll also feel better because you’ll be
taking care of yourself, and it’s been several years since anyone’s
taken care of you – and probably more than that. Second, take a look
at what you're eating. Stay away from junk food and try to eat
healthy, regular meals. Third, exercise! I know you have three kids
and are three years single, but try to get some exercise -- either
by having a friend or relative baby-sit your kids on a regular basis
so you can devote some time to your own exercise regime -- or get
physical with the kids and toss a ball around outside or go swimming
at the local YMCA or someone's house or if you're lucky enough to
live hear a lake or an ocean -- take a dip!
Now, the loneliness. Before you hit the dating services, make sure
you're okay as an individual – or you’re going to be spinning your
wheels. Whatever issues you don't take care of in your own life, you
bring to a relationship. My guess is that you're approaching the
dating scene with a glass half empty approach, when the other way to
look at this is that you are a beautiful, healthy woman who is only
41, and isn't looking to have any more kids (I'm guessing here).
Lots of men will find that profile attractive enough to want to know
more! Trust me. Now, before you log on to the dating sites, spend
some time doing things with your friends, neighbors and family. You
don't need a man to be happy and healthy -- and you don't need a man
to take away your loneliness and depression. Find friendship and
company among the people who are already in your life.
3. Need new relationships? Your relationships may need makeovers.
Take a look at the people in you life, and figure out who is a
positive influence and an asset to your life, and who is just
bringing you down. See where I'm going? You want to spend time with
people who are positive and have similar goals in life to yours, and
spend less time (or no time) with those people who are negative.
This will help take away your depression and loneliness. Ironically,
you will start attracting good men when you take care of yourself
and are less needy.
4. Make-over. Now, if you've done all this -- and it's not going to
happen in a day or a week or even two weeks, you will be ready to
tread gradually into the dating world. About now you're ready for a
great physical makeover. Take a look at my new book, Think & Date
Like A Man (you can order it on my website), and make sure you look
as good as you feel, and you feel as good as you look. Then
carefully start the dating.
Don't look at this time in your life as a problem -- see it as an
opportunity to re-create.
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
© 2006 April
Making it happen for
If you’re ready to get serious about finding a relationship
that will really work for you—but aren’t quite ready to sign up for
an arranged marriage—then my workshops on dating, love, and all
around success might be just what the doctor ordered. Please visit
and click on “Workshops” for more information. You’ll also find a
ton of other articles, fun, interactive quizzes, and FREE giveaways!
See you there…