"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Q: Dear April,
I've been in a long-term relationship for 10 years now. We met when we
were both 19, and haven't stopped being together since. I always felt
like we would be together forever, but now I'm not so sure. I don't
know why, but over the last year, they've really changed so much. And
not in a way that I like. What should I do? Stick it out, or find
someone new?
Sincerely,
Challenged by Changes
A: Dear Challenged by Changes,
Outside of death and taxes, the one thing you can count on in life is
change, more specifically that people will change. And while you may
know intellectually it's inevitable, when the change happens to a
partner or spouse, it can be emotionally shocking. After all, this new
person isn't the one you fell head-over-heels in love with, and
they're most definitely not the ones you said your vows to. So what do
you do now? Your options are as basic as 1, 2, and 3.
1. Try and get them back to their former selves
This, of course, is probably easier said than done, but if you feel
compelled to try, then at least proceed with caution. It may be that
your partner actually wanted to change and likes the new them, in
which case you'll likely be resented for trying to get them to "go
back". However, if you really believe your guy or girl to have changed
for the worse (i.e., drug or alcohol addiction, self-destructive
behavior, etc.) then you'll at least want to give it a shot.
To start, make sure you don't sound like you're motivated by anger or
that you seem threatened in any way. Tell them that you've noticed
what's been going on and you're simply concerned for their well being
(this works especially well if there's been a weight-gain, or if they
seem to have let themselves go in some way). Do not make any threats
to leave—even if in the back of your mind you're considering it. It
will only make them feel as though you're against them and not to be
trusted…and they'll be less likely to go back to their former selves.
Also, if you can, try and get to the "root cause" of the change. If
your ladylove has suddenly ballooned, it's not likely that it's just
because she really likes pie. More likely there are emotional or
psychological reasons for her overeating, and working on those is
really the only way to get her to go back to her slender self for
good.
2. Stay and live with "the new them"
Okay, so maybe you've already pulled out all the stops and you can see
there's just no going back. They are who they are now, and you need to
either love 'em or leave 'em. If you're going to love them, it will
take some doing—on both your parts.
First, if you've made the decision to accept them as they are, you
cannot continue to criticize them, covertly try to move them back in
the other direction, or cheat on them to fulfill your own needs.
What you can do is find common ground—by rekindling long-forgotten
passions or creating new ones—to keep you connected. Try and remember
what it was that brought you two together in the first place, or if
that passion is long-gone and impossible to revive, make an effort to
explore new avenues together…whatever those may be. This is a great
first step toward redefining the relationship and creating a shared
picture of its new future.
3. Hightail it out the door and leave
Though it may sound cold, there are some times when you just gotta
look out for No. 1. And if you're not happy with your partner, you
know they won't change, and there's just no bridging the divide, it's
probably time to walk away. In other words, you gotta know when to
hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. Just make sure that before you
decide to fold 'em, you did all you could to salvage the relationship.
You owe it to your partner, yourself, and the relationship to walk
away without any lingering "what-ifs".
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site, www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
© 2003-2007 April Masini
Making it happen for
you
If you’re ready to get serious about finding a relationship
that will really work for you—but aren’t quite ready to sign up for
an arranged marriage—then my workshops on dating, love, and all
around success might be just what the doctor ordered. Please visit
www.AskApril.com,
and click on “Workshops” for more information. You’ll also find a
ton of other articles, fun, interactive quizzes, and FREE giveaways!
See you there…
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