"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Control Your Anger
In The Doghouse? Damage Control!
Q: Dear April,
My girlfriend and I are the quintessential right brain/left brain
couple. I was a Math major in college, while she majored in English
literature. She's very good in the spoken/written word, while I'm
more of a numbers guy. Well, a few days ago we were having an
argument. We don't argue that often, it was just a particular issue
that came up, and it got pretty heated. I found myself getting
frustrated because I couldn't match her verbally. She said something
that really irritated me but it wasn't in any way a personal attack.
It had to do with me buying a chair that she thought was
uncomfortable. I lost my cool and fired back with a low blow. I said
something like "well you have an ample natural cushion, so I can't
see why its a problem". She was immediately taken aback with my
comment. She was speechless for a moment, and then she slapped me in
the face and walked away. I tried to apologize, but she gave me the
silent treatment.
In reality, she's not heavy at all; she's quite fit, in much better
shape than me, in fact. She has a lovely figure, 34-24-38, but just
has a full, shapely derriere, like Jennifer Lopez. However, she can
be self conscious about it, often looking in the mirror and asking
me if she looks fat. I know it’s a cardinal sin to make insulting
comments about a woman's body, so I hope I haven't done irreparable
harm here. However, I do think I really hurt her feelings. How
should I go about apologizing to her?
Signed,
Low Blow Bill
A: Dear Low Blow Bill,
There’s no way around this. You went where no man should go – you
insulted your girlfriend’s figure. You already know why you did it,
and your homework is to work on impulse control. Just because you’re
angry does not mean you get to lash out with a low blow or any other
inappropriate comment or behavior. You need to work on your
communication skills and allow that your girlfriend is a smoother
talker than you are. Relax. You’re not conceding anything. You’re
giving yourself power by admitting the truth. This isn’t to say
you’re not great at other things – and you already know what they
are – and I bet your girlfriend could name a couple that we can’t
print here! The most powerful men are those who know their powers,
their boundaries and their limits, as well as those powers,
boundaries and limits of those around them.
The next thing you need to do is ask yourself, what was the argument
really about? I doubt that the two of you got into a heated argument
over a chair. Really. A chair is an inanimate object. How could you
get so angry about a chair? Answer: You couldn’t. Something else was
going on. Either you were vying for a power position in the
relationship or you were angry about something else. Figure out what
it is you really are angry about and deal with it up front – not
underneath other arguments.
And how are you at conceding? Do you ever lose an argument?
Anything? Would it have been okay to disagree? How about even (gasp)
letting her win the argument? Was it really necessary to get to the
boiling point? Are you the kind of guy who has to win everything? If
so, it’s time to take a step back and differentiate between winning
a battle and losing the war. While you may win the argument – and it
sounds like you did because she walked off – you lost the war
because now you’re in the doghouse. If you can slow your impulse to
fight down, you can learn to ask yourself these questions while
you’re fighting, rather than rushing to win so fast that you don’t
realize you’re heating up the fight and getting ready for a low blow
and a slap.
The only way to win your girlfriend back is to explain yourself to
her – and that means doing some deep thinking about the questions
I’ve posed above, and then doing some major damage control. You
already know it is no more okay for a man to insult the size of a
woman’s private parts than it is for a woman to insult the size of a
man’s. You know it because you dug that low blow out to deflect the
argument away from the fact that you couldn’t spar with her and win
on a verbal battlefield. So here’s your TO DO list for getting her
back:
1. Do your homework and figure out why you got so angry about losing
an argument. Also decide what you’re going to do in the future to
prevent the fight you two had from happening again.
2. Schedule a conversation with her. Do it face to face at a lovely
venue. Something she’ll like. If she won’t meet you, try a phone
call. If that won’t work, write a letter.
3. At the conversation, or in the letter, explain everything. And
ask her what her feelings are and what she’d like you to do
differently. REMEMBER: This is your chance not to argue with her!
Don’t get defensive. Practice not acting impulsively.
4. Now, the damage control. Tell her how beautiful you find her
body, and how jealous all your buddies are of you because she’s your
girlfriend – hopefully, still. Tell her you acted foolishly by
making that comment, and nothing could be further from the truth. In
fact, to help her remember this, give her a generous gift. Jewelry
is always great. Make it something that will knock her socks off.
And don’t forget lingerie. To celebrate her figure, give her some
gorgeous lingerie.
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site, www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
© 2006 April
Masini
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