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Q:
Dear April,
I started dating him, but he’s divorced with two kids and it’s not
just me and this guy in the relationship – it’s me, this guy, and
the two kids! How do I proceed so I don’t blow it?
Signed, Proceeding With Caution
A:
Your concern that you’re dating someone with children means that
you’re probably a great candidate to be a second wife and step-mom,
as well as a first time mom. What I mean is, if you thought this was
going to be a piece of cake, you’d be unrealistic, and in for a rude
awakening. So, the fact that you’re already sensitive to the
possible family dynamics, and certainly the dating dynamics, bodes
well for your future with this guy – and his kids.
Dating divorced people with kids opens up the dating world
exponentially and gives you lots more people to choose from. Of
course, you do have to be careful when there are kids involved
because if things don’t work out it’s not just you and the guy who
get hurt – it’s the kids, too, and since they’ve already gone
through a divorce, it’s not their first time to be burned.
However….its not an insurmountable obstacle, and it even has
benefits. So, read on, and know that you can do it! Here are some
starters for dating dads – and they apply both ways to guys dating
single moms, too.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating Dads
1. Don't get involved with his kids unless you are very serious –
that means that you want to marry him, and it's been discussed as a
mutual goal. It is not fair or easy for a child to accommodate all
of Dad's dates. Only the special ones. If Dad doesn’t have this one
under his belt, then you need to remind him. Don’t worry about
putting up an obstacle to your relationship by telling him you’d
rather wait to meet his kids until you two are truly serious. He’ll
be thankful that you’re such a good potential mother and wife, and
if he’s not – next!
2. Don't ignore the child's other parent. If you have negative
feelings about the other parent – whether they’re well founded or
fantasy fears of not living up to the kid’s mom or your boyfriend’s
ex, you had better work them out on your own time, because they will
poison your relationship with your future step-child. Acknowledge
and be kind to the other parent in front of the child. No
bad-mouthing the other parent. In fact, take the other parent's side
sometimes.
3. Don't sleep at your boyfriend's house when the children are there
unless you are engaged to be married within six months and have a
ring on your finger and a wedding venue booked. The same goes for
him at your house. Yes, this is different than the carefree
sex-filled swinging from the chandeliers sex that is possible with
dates that don’t have children. But honestly, how many times a year
did you actually swing from a chandelier?
4. Do be honest about his divorce, mixed feelings, and new
situations. The more honest and at ease you are, the easier it will
be for him to be, and the easier it will be for the children to be,
too. Being honest isn’t always graceful or easy – in the short run –
but in the long run, it sure is! And if you’re in it for the long
run, you’d better practice putting honesty first, if you haven’t
already.
5. Do talk to your boyfriend, the Dad, privately If he isn't putting
you first. It’s really easy for Dad’s who had to fight for custody
or who are afraid of losing custody of their children to
over-indulge them and over-protect or baby them. It is also really
easy for them to put the kids first – which won’t make a second
marriage last long if that continues! The wife has to come first if
the marriage is going to work, and if you are the wife, then you
come first – but talk to him about it privately or with a therapist,
but NEVER in front of the children. If it slips out, apologize to
them later, and ask them to remind you not to do that again.
6. Do be kind to the kids. That said, you as step-mother-to-be have
to put the kids first! If you want to keep order in the
relationship, you'll have an easier time of it – if you embrace the
role of mom – even if it’s step-mom. Enjoy it.
Next step:
Operation Co-Parenting With Different Styles
So, now you’ve got the dating a dad thing down, and you’re actually
enjoying having future step-kids and maybe you’re even engaged. But
you see a flashing yellow light because you and your
boyfriend/fiancé parent differently. You want to back off because,
after all, they’re not your biological kids, right? Wrong! Gather up
all your confidence and remember that you probably have a good point
– whatever it is, and at the very least, it should be discussed. And
hey – tell your married friends to quit smirking. This problem is
NOT limited to dating divorced dads – most “in tact” families have
parenting conflicts in their own families, but they just aren’t
brought to the surface because marriage can hide problems that exist
in every relationship. Dating a single parent – whether you’re a
single parent or just single – is actually a nice opportunity to
re-examine the way you both parent, and to make any adjustments that
may benefit a blended family in the future.
Here are some general rules for doing this:
1. Don't criticize your boyfriend or girlfriend's parenting skills
in front of any of the children. You have to act as a team in order
to parent effectively, and unless there is abuse going on, the best
way to handle differences in parenting is to discuss them in an
adults only meeting and air your feelings and make any behavioral
adjustments as a plan you implement together. If kids smell a
division between adults, they will play you like a hand of cards.
Remember, divide and conquer wasn’t just a warrior’s cry. It’s what
most kids do when they want something that they know they can get
from one parent, and not the other. Stay united.
2. Safety is paramount. If one adult – whether it’s you or the Dad
-- is too rough with the kids, it is important to address this
privately and with emphasis. The same goes for bad driving. The
trick is not to judge the person based on their being rougher than
your child or you are used to in horseplay, or for driving badly.
You can love someone and want to be with that person but not want to
drive with him. Separate out the issues you dislike from the person
and then deal with the issues.
3. Alcoholism in a family. If the kid’s biological mother, your
boyfriend’s ex, is an alcoholic, their biological children may be
predisposed to alcoholism, and when to allow drinking -- if at all
-- can become a loaded issue when teenage children are involved. You
may be offering them what seems like a harmless sip of wine at a
holiday, but to your boyfriend, you’re doing damage. Seek pediatric
medical and psychological counseling to make a family plan on how to
address these issues.
4. Manners, food choices and TV watching are all creative fields
that you can work on trying things differently, or telling your kids
that you'll try things a new way and re-group after two weeks to see
how you feel about changing the house rules. Children should have
manners, limits and should not run the kitchen, so if a parent
appears to be rigid with limitations in these areas, consider your
own reasons for tolerance, and bend a little. Give it a try.
Remember: If you’re honest and open and deal with all the problems
that come up, as well as making sure to also celebrate and enjoy all
the good times that also come your way – not just you as an
individual and you as a couple, but you as a family – you’ll do just
fine!
Sincerely,
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site,
www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
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