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[Editor
note: Mother's Day is the third Sunday in May. Mother's Day Gift Ideas
here]
Q:
Dear April,
My parents are divorced, and Mother’s Day is always a dilemma for me
because I have my mother, and the woman my dad married, my
step-mother both vying for my attention. What do I do? Signed, Mom’s
The Word
A:
Dear Mom’s The Word:
Don’t worry. Help is on the way! Mother’s Day is supposed to be
flowers and perfume and brunch with the family – if your whole world
is one big Hallmark card store! But the truth is that Mother’s Day
can be fraught with tension (Read more about how to dissipate ‘Mom
tension’.) because of different dynamics between mom and the rest of
the family – especially at Mother’s Day. It’s no secret that divorce
is now part of American families, which means many children – no
matter if they’re nine or thirty-nine, have more than one mom –
okay, so the mom’s aren’t all “weighted” equally, but there’s
possibly: mom, grandma, mother in law, step mother in law, step
mom(s), step grandma, etc. It’s a mom-fest!
So what’s a child to do?
Mother May I?
Do’s and Don’ts For Mother’s Day
DO:
* Operation Multiple Mom Strategy: Make a list of all the moms in
your life so you can figure out whom you want to take care of, and
how.
* One Big Party: If you have a lot of moms on your list, and you
don’t have enough time in your day to visit all of them, you can
host a mother’s day luncheon at a restaurant or a barbecue or tea in
your own home – depending on your style. If you have a lot of kids
and/or a heavy work schedule, reserving a big table at a restaurant
will save you lots of energy and time that you may not have. If your
budget is tight, host a meal at your home, and enlist your siblings
to bring different food dishes or beverages to help out.
Send invitations to the lunch to make mom feel extra special. You
can buy personalized invitations, store-bought “fill in”
invitations, make invitations on your computer, or have the youngest
members of the family make them. Whatever you choose, sending
invites out a few weeks ahead of time will make the event extra
special.
Personalize the event with photos of mom in frames, lockets, or
jewelry boxes as gifts. Moms love family photos, and having them as
decorations or gifts is really terrific.
Want entertainment? Throw a slide show. A little computer magic
makes pulling together a slide show on a DVD easy, and most
restaurants will give you a private room for your slide show, if you
have enough guests, or you can play your home movie on a white wall
at home.
* When Mom isn’t around: If your mom has passed on, remember her
with a special trip to the cemetery and even a family ritual that
involves a graveside tradition with a few prayers, flowers, a lunch
afterwards – whatever is comfortable for you.
* Moms without children: If you know a mom without children – either
alive or nearby, who are going to be alone on Mother’s Day, remember
them with a card, a plate of homemade cookies, or a bunch of
flowers. Think about any child-less mom’s in your neighborhood, your
office or any other part of your community.
DON’T:
* No Mom Left Behind: Don’t leave any mom out. It’s better to cover
too many moms with cards, at the very least, than to forget them.
Snubbing mom because you had a fight, or because she’s your step mom
and not your bio-mom, is not okay. Bad manners are not acceptable.
Even if it pains you, grit your teeth, and send a card – at the very
least. When in doubt – send it out. On time.
* No Gift Ruts: Don’t send the same old, same old. You know how Dad
has too many ties from all those Father’s Day neckwear onslaughts?
Well, mom is expecting the same old same old perfume or flowers. So,
shake it up a little with something unusual (See how to choose and
order great gifts, easily), like gardening tools, a gift certificate
for a massage or a day of beauty, or some beautiful lingerie to
remind her that she’s not just a mom – she’s a woman!
* Forgive and Forget: Don’t let old fights fester. Unless there is
abuse involved….try practicing these three fight-busters:
* Apologize for something. And mean it. Be committed to letting go
of any negative feelings associated with this incident – whatever it
is. Really listen to what she has to say – or if she has nothing to
say about it, be okay with that. Tell her what upset you, and why
you’re going to let it go, and how you’re going to do it. Then do
it!
* Do something unexpected that is above and beyond the call of duty.
For example. If you can afford it, buy your mom a car. Paint her
living room for her. Clean her garage. Wash her car – inside and out
– and have it painted or put in a new CD player for her.
* Ask her to tell you about her marriage. Or her relationship with
her mother. Crack a bottle of wine – or sherry, if it’s her cup of
tea – or tea or coffee for that matter, and sit down for a few
hours, and listen. Ask questions, and don’t leave until you
understand why her background – for better or for worse – played a
part in whatever fight the two of you had.
When Divorce
Affects Your Mother
One look at the hit show Gilmore Girls -- or even it's PG-13 rated
cable TV clone, Gastineau Girls – and you’ll realize what television
producers are capitalizing on is true -- there is a special bond
between mothers and daughters -- especially with divorce
infiltrating our families as it has. Many times mothers are
un-partnered due to
divorce and while the ravages of divorce on family are spouted
often and loudly, the upside of divorce is closer bonds between
mothers and children -- and sometimes even fathers and children. If
mom takes care of herself, or gets around to taking care of herself
when she's emotionally healed from the split, she will be modeling
well for her daughter, and there is often a much stronger bond that
develops than if the parents were not divorced.
Compared to the competition…
Another upside to mothers and daughters in divorce situations is
that more often than not, dad gets a new girlfriend or wife more
quickly than mom even gets around to dating. The new girlfriend or
stepmother may or may not be preferable to bio-mom, but in most
cases, the new woman in the daughter's life either causes bio-mom to
put on her good behavior (if she hasn't been), and help her evolve
into the preferable mom, or, the daughter may just appreciate mom a
lot more when she sees what the competition looks like!
All for one and one for all…when Dad’s not around
The reason that this positive mother/daughter relationship works is
because mom is not closely partnered with dad in traditional
families where the father is at the office or working for long
hours, while mom raises the kids and oversees the house -- or in
cases of divorce, when mom no longer has the support system she did
when married, and needs to rely on her kids' help, or company, which
can bring about appreciation, enjoyment of each other, and
gratefulness for each other.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Sincerely,
April
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