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Is Jail Time A Good Reason To
Postpone A Wedding?
Drop Your Fiancé Because He's Violated His Probation!
Q:
Dear April,
My fiancé and I are both 37 yrs old. My fiancé is currently in jail
on a probation violation. He will be in for the next 5-6 months. I
love him so much and still want to marry him when he gets out,
however, I have to explain his situation to my parents because our
wedding is going to have to be postponed. I know they are not going
to be happy or understanding.
What is the best way
to approach the topic with my parents and to help them understand
that he is not a bad person and I love him very much? How do I get
them to not judge him but to be supportive of my decisions?
Signed,
My Fiancé's In Jail
A:
Dear My Fiancé's in Jail:
First of all, you’re 37 years old. You're not a child or a teen. You
need to have your own life separate from what your parents think.
You cannot “get them” to not judge him and be supportive of your
decisions. You can ask. You can explain the situation. And then, you
have to let them be who they are. You will have lots of choices
after you tell them, depending on what their reactions are. But
first things first.
Second, no parents are going to be happy that their daughter is
marrying a man with a criminal record – let alone one who is in jail
currently. If you expect them to not judge him and to be supportive
of your decision to marry him, YOU are the one with unrealistic
expectations. Besides the fact that they don’t have to judge him – a
real judge already did – and found him guilty. So take
responsibility for your own decisions.
Third, unless your family has a history of having family members
incarcerated, so that having a husband or a fiancé in jail is
somewhat normal, you have made a bad choice. You’re only
thirty-seven – and while you may feel your biological clock ticking,
making a bad decision and marrying and having children with someone
who’s got a criminal record among other problems that usually comes
with someone who can’t obey the law of their own volition, you’re
going to get into deeper problems, and you’re going to involve
innocent children in a situation that can be avoided.
Exceptions to the rule – except your fiancé.
There are people who do go to jail wrongly. There are people who
mess up, go to jail, and become rehabilitated. There are people who
make mistakes and then go on to live perfectly productive lives.
However, your particular fiancé not only got arrested – he violated
probation. How hard was it to not violate his probation? How
important was it to him not to violate probation?
There are questions only you can know the answers to – and you may
not want to hear them, but it’s imperative to your well being that
you try to: Is this his first offense? How many times has he been
arrested? Is this a pattern? Is this behavior of getting arrested
normal among his family? How about his friends? How will his
behavior affect your marriage? Is the reason that you are really
wanting your parents approval and support because you don’t have the
guts to say what you know that they will – which is, dump him and
find someone better and more deserving of the grand prize that you
are? Are you acting out by trying to marry someone that you know
will upset your parents in a backwards way to get their attention?
Dating Men Behind Bars Instead of Men In Bars
Eric Menendez, one of the Menendez brothers, along with Lyle, who is
on death row, met his fiancé as a pen pal who wrote him in jail. In
fact, many women write men who are on death row -- either seeking
them out themselves, or answering ads that prisoners put in
newspapers or other public media outlets, looking for companionship
and more.
‘There's someone for everyone’ has never been truer than in the case
of women who seek out men who are on death row, for romance. There
are lots of individual reasons why women romance and become romanced
by these prison lovers, but here are some general ones:
1. Savior. Many women like to feel needed, and what better way than
to take care of a man who need so much, he can't be free in society.
Women who like to take care of men, will find all the good in people
who have done very bad things, and celebrate that good.
2. Fear of commitment. The chances of having a normal relationship
with someone on death row is slim to none, so women who have
relationships with these men run very little risk of ever marrying
or living married lives together in homes with white picket fences,
and Volvos full of kids and dogs. By finding love with someone who
is so obviously unavailable, the women who love them, can be in
relationships that will never run a "normal" course -- and
therefore, will never fail.
3. Victim-love. Under dogs don't believe that good wins out at the
end of the day, and these under dog women see men on death row as
victims, just like they are -- only these men are just living out
the victim-hood in a different degree. Paranoid, and seeing the
world as a bad place, women who find romance with men on death row,
receive confirmation in these relationships that they are victims,
as are their Big House partners.
Sincerely,
April
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