"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Q:
Dear April,
I think the man I'm with is stringing me along. We've dated on and
off for eleven months and have slept together, etc. Yet we are not
what I'd call a real boyfriend and girlfriend kind of couple.
Although he says he's not seeing anyone else, and I'm not either, we
only get together once or twice a week. Do you think he’s just
waiting for Miss Right to come along? How can I get him to become
more serious?
Thanks,
Ready to Get Real
A:
Dear Ready to Get Real,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but even more than that, I hate
to keep the truth a secret. And in this case, honey, the truth will
hurt!
When a man is ready to commit—as a boyfriend or husband—you will
know it because he will simply start acting in that role. He will
talk about your future together and he will make plans accordingly.
He will introduce you to his family and friends. He will not only
call you daily, but he’ll want to tell you the details of his day,
and have a desire to hear about yours. A man that wants to be in a
committed relationship acts like he wants to be in one.
On the other hand, a man who is not ready to be committed behaves,
well...a lot like your guy, Ready to Get Real, and I think you know
it. I think, what you’re really wondering is what you can do about
it. Can you somehow get him to change his mind, or get him to want
you more? Can you give him an ultimatum or make him see the error of
his ways?
I say...probably not. If your guy’s own version of the biological
clock isn’t telling him it’s time to commit, there’s absolutely no
point in pushing him. You can make the mistake of giving him an
ultimatum (as many women do), make promises about how great you’ll
be to him, and even ultimately snag him, but I guarantee he’ll only
end up resenting you for it, or worse—cheating or leaving. As soon
as there’s the first bump in the road, he’ll point to the pressure
you applied, with a "See, I knew I wasn’t ready" retort.
Men are, by their very nature, the pursuers, the aggressors, the
hunters. You would not expect a fish to jump out of the water and
start walking on land, so don‘t expect a man to stop being a man. If
a man is in love with you he will want to be with you, he will want
to spend time with you, and he definitely will not want to lose you
to another man. Threats and will not work—neither does reversing the
male and female roles, with you asking him to commit or marry you,
even if he does agree. I wholeheartedly believe a man must believe
he has won the prize (i.e.—you) in every sense of the word. If you
ask a man to marry you, he doesn’t have to win you—he has not won
anything. You, in fact, have made him the prize! And you, more
likely than not, will pay for it in the long run.
It could be as simple as the insecurity you’ll feel, always
wondering if he really loves you or if he would really rather be
with someone else. Or it could an even more painful scenario—he
leaves you for another woman, perhaps not even one as attractive or
successful as you, but one he picks out, one he pursues, and on he
"wins" on his own.
So, what can you do, Ready to Get Real? There’s only one answer:
Start dating other men...immediately! It may have the side effect of
making the guy you’re currently "seeing" realize that he really does
love you, was taking you for granted, etc., but that’s not why
you’ll be doing it. You’ll be dating because your current guy is not
worth wasting your time on. You’ll be doing it because you deserve a
man who is willing to put it all on the line for you. Someone who
knows how great you are without your having to tell them. Someone
who will want to see you every night of the week—and will never make
you wonder whether they’re waiting for Ms. Right, because they know
you’re it!
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site, www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
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