"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Q:
Dear April,
I've been dating my girlfriend for five months and I'm stumped about
what to give her for Christmas. Can you help?
Signed,
Christmas Confusion
A:
Dear Confusion,
At five months you may or may not know how serious you are about
this woman, but you can be sure that your gift is going to telegraph
a crucial message to her. It's going to tell her a little more about
how you feel about her. That's why holiday gift giving can take on
stress you didn't even know you had. The reason is that holidays are
traditionally times when gifts are exchanged between loved ones and
business colleagues. And messages are conveyed by the kind of gift
given. A $50 box of chocolates will send a completely different
message than a $50 pair of fine panties. And a $100 gold bracelet
will send a very different message than a $100 toaster. So while
it's definitely better to give than to receive, giving thought-lessly,
can throw the recipient of your gift into a tailspin. And if you're
having a relationship with that recipient, you're going to be in
that tailspin as well.
Expectations in New Relationships
Giving a gift can be a daunting proposition if your relationship is
new and you haven't exchanged gifts -- or many gifts -- already. For
couples who have exchanged gifts already, a pattern becomes
established. You get used to what each of you gives the other --
whether it's an expected Hallmark card or a lavish surprise every
time -- there is an ease in gift giving if you both want to keep
things status quo and you know what that status quo is. But if you
haven't exchanged gifts before, and the holidays are upon you, the
pressure can get to you! For instance at Christmas, a gift of a
music CD may be interpreted as thoughtful because it's an artist he
knows you love, or it's the music that played on your first date
(even though you've only had four dates so far). However, it can
also be interpreted as a dud gift—he didn't think about what I
really like, it's impersonal, I bet he gives everyone CDs including
his doorman, it didn't cost enough, I was hoping for jewelry or
something more feminine and meaningful, etc. See how this can become
a dilemma? And yes, the wrong gift can end a relationship—especially
when you've been dating a year or more, and she expects a ring only
you come up with the Hammacher-Schlemmer massage chair instead. Yes,
it's expensive, yes it's thoughtful, yes you even wrote her a card
to go with it, but no—it didn't fit the bill.
Where Are You In The Relationship?
Here are some guidelines I like to give to people who want to know
how much to spend. While it may seem crass to put dollar amounts on
relationship time, the elegance is that knowing the proper amount to
spend makes it easier to relax and enjoy the shopping and the gift
giving if you know what you should be spending. Mind you -- these
are just guidelines. But they are guidelines that work. Being in any
long term relationship involves shopping! And it's an important part
of a relationship to explore. So try these guidelines on for size.
• $50 and under for less than 3 months
• $100 and under for 6 months and under
• $250 and under for up to 9 months
• Up to $500 for up to a year
Money Isn't Everything
In fact, if you think that now that you've got the knowledge about
the amount of money you should spend, down, that you're off the
hook, you're wrong! Knowing how much to spend is crucial. But so is
conveying the right message. Your relationship is personal, and
there are unique things that you can give your girlfriend that won't
make sense to anyone else. For instance, if she's an orchid
collector, the gift of a rare, exotic and expensive orchid may be as
romantic to her as jewelry may be to another woman. However, if you
show up with a dozen roses and she was expecting a marriage proposal
and some serious jewelry, you're going to have a bumpy Christmas
holiday.
Getting Out Of A Gift Rut
If you want to convey the message of status quo, and you've been
dating six to twelve months, jewelry is great -- but a ring will
send the wrong message. Stick to a beautiful bracelet, necklace or
earrings. If you want to downgrade the relationship because you're
having doubts, and it's been six months to a year of dating, give
her a cashmere sweater or a beautiful datebook that shows you care,
but you're not ready to consider getting really serious just yet. If
you want to upgrade the relationship from casual dating to show that
you are seriously interested in this woman, then give her a gift
that will have special meaning to her, like a weekend away, a
serious piece of jewelry, or something that she needs for her home,
like a stereo.
And If You Don't Have Much
There are ways to upgrade the relationship without maxing out your
credit card limits. For instance, you can give her a key to your
apartment and a necklace with a lock and key on it, to show her that
symbolically, she has the key to your heart -- and the key to your
home because you want her in both places. You can write her a letter
-- the kind you never write because it's too hard to be that
intimate, telling her your deepest feelings and hopes for the two of
you. And then put the letter in a box of engraved stationery with
her name on it, and stamp and address the first envelope with your
name on it, hoping she'll write to you with her feelings, too.
If You Get It Wrong
Fix it! The best laid plans can often go awry, and if you do give
her something and you know it wasn't what she wanted -- and you
realize you goofed -- exchange it! Or give her another gift! Keep it
light, and remember that great relationships are based on expressing
feelings, expressing affection (through gifts and otherwise), and
making adjustments when you both see a discrepancy. Getting the
wrong gift can be a great way to get to know her better -- and if
you have a sense of humor, next Christmas, you can start off the
gift giving with the wrong present -- and then give her the one you
know she really wants. This way, you aren't just giving her a gift,
you're cementing a history between yourselves, and you're showing
each other that you both make mistakes, and you know how to correct
them. What better gift to a relationship is there than that!
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
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April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
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