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Q:
Dear April,
My grandmother is in a nursing home, and she has a boyfriend there,
which I’ve always thought was cute, but now, I think she’s having
sex with him. What do I do?
Signed,
Grandma’s Hot To Trot
A:
Dear Hot To Trot:
Age is not an obstacle to love or affection and everyone wants both
and thrives with both. Even seniors. Sex drives do change as people
age and certain medications can dull or kick up senior libidos, so
there is no right or wrong amount of dating, sex or affection. In
fact, many seniors may appear to be having sex, but they're just
being affectionate. Everyone thrives with positive contact, and a
sexual relationship between seniors can be very healthy and
rewarding. But it can be difficult for families to accept the fact
that grandma or grandpa is having sex with a girlfriend or
boyfriend.
Society does seem to tacitly frown on senior sex - especially out of
marriage. But many women outlive their husbands, and find themselves
in retirement homes or living alone. Like any other single, they
like company and affection. It is natural that if your grandma is in
contact with other single men, she may strike up a relationship, and
if she or he has sexual feelings, they will be expressed in the
course of the relationship the way other adults express their
sexuality.
-The truth is, aside from the physical problems like broken bones
that do result during the act, there is a lot of good -- physically,
psychologically, emotionally and socially for sexually active
seniors in committed and loving relationships.
Getting over taboos
Our society doesn’t celebrate romance and sex among seniors. In fact
our books and movies rarely depict grandma and grandpa having an
exciting romantic and sexual relationship. But as our lives are
sustained by technology and medication, seniors live longer, and
want to live richer lives that include romance and sex.
When seniors live in retirement or nursing homes -- or other types
of living situations that require their chronic care -- it is
difficult for caregivers to know what is right and what is wrong
when it comes to seniors' romantic and sexual relationships. Often
caregivers, staff and family members treat seniors with sexual urges
the same way they do young children – by discouraging sexuality
because they are uncomfortable seeing it or even knowing it exists.
The caregivers often err on the side of caution by discouraging
intimate and sexual senior relationships.
Forgetting
Sadly, it is easy for seniors on strong medication or with memory
loss to forget that they've said yes to a date or a sex act and
suddenly, there can be an awkward (at best) situation at hand. If
your grandma is having a sexual relationship with her boyfriend, it
would be a good idea to have some supervision for this reason alone
– so that she can remember that she invited her boyfriend to stay
the night rather than waking up the next morning and wondering how
he got there because her Alzheimer’s – or some other memory
affectation – made her forget. If a caregiver or family member is
nearby, they can remind her that she had a planned and consensual
“sleepover date.”
Ways to encourage safe senior romantic relationships:
1. Deal with it. When you are uncomfortable seeing your senior
family in a romantic and sexual relationship, think about how you
would a seventeen-year-old or a twenty year old. Recognize that
while their independent sexual and romantic relationships may be
difficult for you and your caregivers to see, it is important to
their individuation.
2. Facilitate senior relationships with care. If your mother or
father in a nursing home seems to like someone, invite that someone
to your home, along with your family member for Thanksgiving,
Christmas and Sunday dinners. Allow opportunities for the
relationship between the seniors to flourish. Remember that they are
not always physically able to remember phone numbers to call their
friends on their own, and often they are not physically able to walk
or drive on a date or just out for coffee. Help them.
3. If your senior
relative is in a sexual relationship, you will have to open your
mind to new horizons. Allow your senior family-member and his or her
friend to have sexual time and privacy, but stay near by in case
someone falls or needs help. You will have to adjust your modesty
meter and keep the big picture in mind. Consider "sleep over dates"
with both sets of caregivers on hand or family members sleeping on
the couch in the living room in case someone falls, etc.
Overall, remember respect for humanity. Just because someone is old
does not mean that they have lost their ability to express
themselves sexually, or romantically. The last stages of life do not
have to be love-less.
Sincerely,
April
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April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
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