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Sometimes the best response is no
response - How to handle gossip
Q:
Dear April,
For the past couple of months I've been having problems with one of
the girls I work with. I have never understood why she doesn't like
me; all I know is that she never has. Recently, things went from bad
to worse when three separate people told me that she's been talking
about me, behind my back. The things she's saying aren't true and
I'm terribly upset. What should I do?
Please Help!
It Needs to Stop
A:
Dear It Needs to Stop,
It's called idle talk, hearsay, grapevine, scuttlebutt, rumor, dirt,
slander, scandal—whatever the name, it's gossip just the same, and
it's all ugly. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about a
public figure or discussing current events, fashion trends, ), how
great so-and-so looked at last week's event, new movies and favorite
restaurants—or even who you saw at them. But when we cross the line
from discussion over into ridicule, sarcasm and scorn, we have gone
too far. More, it's easy to start gossip, but it's hard to stop
it—and once gossip starts, it quickly destroys group morale and
damages friendships and reputations.
Anything said against someone that tears them down instead of
building them up is gossip. And we may not realize it, but the
things that we say about others can damage the people that we are
talking to as well as the ones we are talking about. Instead of
filling their minds with things that are true, honest, kind, just,
pure, and of good report, we fill them with ugly thoughts of
contempt. When you hear gossip like this, it always tells you more
about the one speaking than the one of whom he speaks.
There are three distinct ways to handle gossip:
Prevent It
Gossip prevention rests with two people—the person speaking it, and
the person listening to it. The best way to stop gossip is to:
* Demonstrate loyalty and friendship by refusing to listen to or
spread it—simply do not permit insinuations or negative discussion
at all.
* Should someone begin to repeat a story about someone else,
politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when
they is are present.
* Or, listen politely (without any comment), and change the subject
as soon as possible—do not repeat the information to anyone else.
* If someone confides personal information to you, keep it to
yourself.
Ignore It
Sometimes rumors get started despite the best prevention
methods...The best way to defuse gossip is to ignore it.
* Yes, it's difficult to ignore untruths spoken about us, and many
times our first reaction is indignation and righteous anger,
however—the best response is no response—none at all.
* If gossip is directed at you, behave as if the rumors are not
affecting you; otherwise, you may be perceived as weak.
* Instead of lashing out defensively, continue with your life and
disregard the talk—ultimately your deeds and actions will overcome
any gossip—your behavior, what you do (and don't do) will speak for
itself. Actions are always stronger than words.
Confront It
Decide whether confronting the lies will make them go away or cause
you to waste time answering accusations. If you decide to face the
accusations, you need to ascertain if you should confront a group or
just the source.
* If possible, privately talk with the source of the gossip—if you
know who it is...This will probably allow you to get to the root of
the problem without causing more damage. It is important to remain
calm and detached during the conversation, and do not accuse.
* If you elect to confront a group of critics, be to the point and
remain calm. I'd recommend simply stating that you are aware of what
is being said about you and that it's sad how the truth gets so
distorted...Say no more (literally—nothing else—don't go into any
justification at all. Otherwise, while getting the gossip out in the
open could relieve tension, you could risk inadvertently escalating
the problem and inviting more accusations and negative comments.
As upsetting as it can be, don't let gossip cause you to your waste
time and energy on it when you need to be focusing on important
issues concerning your life or completing a project...The best way
to handle gossip is to avoid it as much as you can and then ignore
the rest.
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