"Ask April" Author of the best selling "Date Out Of Your League" at AskApril.com
Tips For Handling Gossip
For the past couple of months I've been having problems with one of the girls I work with. I have never understood why she doesn't like me; all I know is that she never has. Recently, things went from bad to worse when three separate people told me that she's been talking about me, behind my back. The things she's saying aren't true and I'm terribly upset. What should I do?
It Needs to Stop
Dear It Needs to Stop,
It's called idle talk, hearsay, grapevine, scuttlebutt, rumor, dirt, slander, scandal—whatever the name, it's gossip just the same, and it's all ugly. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion about a public figure or discussing current events, fashion trends, ), how great so-and-so looked at last week's event, new movies and favorite restaurants—or even who you saw at them. But when we cross the line from discussion over into ridicule, sarcasm and scorn, we have gone too far. More, it's easy to start gossip, but it's hard to stop it—and once gossip starts, it quickly destroys group morale and damages friendships and reputations.
Anything said against someone that tears them down instead of building them up is gossip. And we may not realize it, but the things that we say about others can damage the people that we are talking to as well as the ones we are talking about. Instead of filling their minds with things that are true, honest, kind, just, pure, and of good report, we fill them with ugly thoughts of contempt. When you hear gossip like this, it always tells you more about the one speaking than the one of whom he speaks.
There are three distinct ways to handle gossip.
Gossip prevention rests with two people—the person speaking it, and the person listening to it. The best way to stop gossip is to:
* Demonstrate loyalty and friendship by refusing to listen to or
spread it—simply do not permit insinuations or negative discussion
* Should someone begin to repeat a story about someone else, politely say that you would prefer to talk about that person when they is are present.
* Or, listen politely (without any comment), and change the subject as soon as possible—do not repeat the information to anyone else.
* If someone confides personal information to you, keep it to yourself.
Sometimes rumors get started despite the best prevention methods...The best way to defuse gossip is to ignore it.
* Yes, it's difficult to ignore untruths spoken about us, and many times our first reaction is indignation and righteous anger, however—the best response is no response—none at all.
* If gossip is directed at you, behave as if the rumors are not affecting you; otherwise, you may be perceived as weak.
* Instead of lashing out defensively, continue with your life and disregard the talk—ultimately your deeds and actions will overcome any gossip—your behavior, what you do (and don't do) will speak for itself. Actions are always stronger than words.
Decide whether confronting the lies will make them go away or cause you to waste time answering accusations. If you decide to face the accusations, you need to ascertain if you should confront a group or just the source.
* If possible, privately talk with the source of the gossip—if you know who it is...This will probably allow you to get to the root of the problem without causing more damage. It is important to remain calm and detached during the conversation, and do not accuse.
* If you elect to confront a group of critics, be to the point and remain calm. I'd recommend simply stating that you are aware of what is being said about you and that it's sad how the truth gets so distorted...Say no more (literally—nothing else—don't go into any justification at all. Otherwise, while getting the gossip out in the open could relieve tension, you could risk inadvertently escalating the problem and inviting more accusations and negative comments.
As upsetting as it can be, don't let gossip cause you to your waste time and energy on it when you need to be focusing on important issues concerning your life or completing a project...The best way to handle gossip is to avoid it as much as you can and then ignore the rest.
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© April Masini. Making it happen for you!
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