When A Loved One Dies,
Getting Through Holidays Can Be Tough
"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
Read chapters from April Masini's books here
Q:
Dear April,
My brother was killed in the World Trade Towers, and every Christmas
since then, I get really depressed, because he’s not here with the
rest of the family. How can I get through this Christmas?
A:
Losing a brother – or anyone – to an act of violence like the terror
at the Twin Towers – is life changing. That you lost a family member
– someone you grew up with and spent every day and night with as a
child, makes the loss even more profound. Not getting to say goodbye
and having him ripped out of your life suddenly, without warning, is
something that is very difficult to get over, let alone to
understand. So what do you do to get through this Christmas, and
every other Christmas holiday, when your family is together, and
you’re reminded of the loss of your brother because he’s missing
from the family celebration?
The Importance of Grieving
Allow yourself to grieve. Pain of loss is very hard to allow.
Sometimes we do all kinds of things to avoid feeling the pain. We
distract ourselves. We numb ourselves. We pretend to ourselves. We
sublimate our feelings and work very hard so we don’t have to have
discomfort and sadness. There are all kinds of coping mechanisms we
use to avoid feeling pain. But, ultimately, the only way past pain
is not around it, but through it. And it doesn't go away. It waits
for you to deal with it. In fact, most cultures and religions have
rituals that help communities cope with death and loss, and if you
are lucky enough to have a culture or religion that helps you
grieve, this is a time to embrace it.
It’s easier to escape into work or exercise or eating or to focus on
other problems that we invent or embellish to avoid a profound and
hurtful sadness, during the rest of the year, but at holidays like
Christmas, where families come together for a prolonged period of
time that is either a weekend or a week or more, and when businesses
shut down, and there is spiritual focus at church, and it is
apparent that other families are celebrating together as a family,
it is harder to avoid your feelings of loss because someone is
missing from your family and you can't get him back.
Allow the feelings you and your family are having to be part of your
life. Let go.
Celebrate The Memories
Memorialize your brother. Have a ceremony to invoke your brother’s
memory. Invite family and friends to listen and speak about your
brother and what they remember, what they loved and what they miss
about him. Either have a private memorial service or a formal
memorial service or have your religious leader – whether it’s a
priest, a rabbi or some other leader, to invoke your brother’s
memory at church or synagogue during a part of the holiday prayers.
Many religions honor the dead as part of the normal holiday time. If
your local religious leader is made aware of your family’s loss, he
or she will make a formal pronouncement of your brother’s memory.
This gives your brother’s memory a place, not just in your family’s
life, but in your community’s life. It gives dignity to the loss. It
also allows you to share your loss with other people, which is
healing.
Revere Life Now
Remember what your brother loved and celebrate his life by
incorporating his loves into your own life. Allow his spirit to fan
the flame of your own. Remember that life is precious and that all
life ends. Sometimes too soon, and sometimes after a long period of
time. Sometimes with no warning, and sometimes with warning that
makes goodbyes all the more painful. Celebrate what you are given
while you’re here. Allow your brother's death to make you aware of
how precious yours is. Spend more time telling people you love that
you love them, and doing good deeds along the way of your day.
Make someone else’s life more fortunate. Whether it’s someone you
know or someone you don’t know. Give something – whether it’s time
as a Big Brother or Big Sister or some other kind of mentor or help
someone who’s old or in need. Donate money or time or old clothes
and toys or a car you don't drive any more, helping victims of other
disasters like Hurricane Katrina or the families of U.S. soldiers
who lost their loved ones serving our country. Affirm your brother’s
life by affirming someone else’s life.
Celebrate the Holidays With A Deeper Meaning
Allow the holidays and your brother's loss to remind you of what is
important. Don't sweat the small stuff and slow down to spend time
with people as you remember that time passes and you can spend it
doing meaningful things, or allowing it pass without conscious
choice. Choose to live your life well -- for your brother.
Sincerely,
April
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April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
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© 2003, 2004 April
Masini
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