"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Is He Cheating?
I Don't Trust Him
Q: Dear April,
Well, I'm an idiot! One night, about two years ago, being drunk and
stupid, I checked my boyfriends e-mail and saw that he had sent an
"anything but just friendly" e-mail to another girl. Ok, fine. I did
question him about it and he said that’s just how they "talk" to
each other.
Well, everything has
been fine since, but last week (like an idiot) I checked his cell
phone and he's been calling her periodically (a few times a month,
usually at home or on her cell). This guy is gonna propose to me
soon. What am I supposed to do? I love and trust him but what’s
going on? Most likely its just platonic, but how can I know? I can’t
tell him I checked his phone!! Please help.
Sincerely,
Are They Just Friends?
A: Dear Are They Just Friends,
You keep calling yourself an idiot, but I think you’re anything but
an idiot. The only thing you are is someone who is not listening to
her instincts. And you’re not taking responsibility for your life.
You’re downplaying all your fears, but you’re clearly upset enough
to write me. You say you were drunk and stupid to check your
boyfriend’s e-mail, and I’m thinking – wait a minute! What was
stupid about that?
Nobody checks their
boyfriend’s e-mail unless they’re suspicious. You clearly suspected
something or you would have spent your time doing something else.
You weren’t stupid at all, and maybe you needed the “liquid courage”
to do what you didn’t have the guts to do when you were sober – see
if he’s cheating on you. Then, two years later, you call yourself an
idiot again, for checking his cell phone calls – do I have to spell
this out for you? Okay. I will. You don’t trust him!
Then, you say “this guy” is gonna propose to me soon – like he’s
just some guy, and you’re going to be the victim of his proposal.
He’s not “this guy”. He’s your long time boyfriend, with whom you’re
in a committed relationship. You’re just not sure he’s as committed
to monogamy as you are. And now, you’re asking me what to do? You’re
not a victim. You know what to do! You just need the courage to do
it. So I’m going to help you find your strength and talk to your
boyfriend and say what needs to be said.
But first, let’s look at the reasons you haven’t told him your true
feelings in the first place.
Reasons For Not Confronting Him
1. You’re afraid that he’s cheating and you don’t want to know. Some
women would rather be in a relationship than in a truthful
relationship. They’ll keep boyfriends and husbands who are not
faithful because they don’t want to be alone. They’ll even turn
their heads and look away so that they don’t have to confront the
truth and then take the appropriate actions.
2. You’re afraid to tell him that you’re not okay with his “anything
but friendly” e-mail language, and ask for your “rights” in the
relationship because you don’t want a conflict and you’re afraid
you’ll lose him if you assert yourself. Your self esteem isn’t quite
where it should be on the healthy self esteem thermometer.
3. You don’t take relationships seriously. You’re not all that
concerned, despite your letter, about being involved with someone
who isn’t Mr. Right. You’re willing to move forward even if it means
getting into a further mess.
Okay. Now, here’s what you need to do: Confront all three of the
above, yourself. If he is cheating, it’s going to be ugly, and you’d
do best to find out now before you accept a marriage proposal, get
married, have a few kids, and then, finally get fed up. As horrible
as the prospect may seem, breaking up now, if that is the solution
is easier then breaking up in five years from now. The problem with
finding out if he is cheating is, he’s going to have to convince you
he’s not cheating, and you’re not easily convinced. If you were, you
wouldn’t have checked his cell phone messages two years after
checking his e-mails. This is where you’re going to have to use your
instincts. If you suspect he’s cheating, on you, then you should not
get engaged. It’s a terrible way to start a marriage. Just because
he proposes does not mean you have to say yes. You’re an adult. You
know the English language. No is a word, too.
Now, if you’re still willing to be in the relationship after the
above, you have to tell him about your needs. You don’t want him
contacting this friend any more. It doesn’t make you feel secure or
comfortable. If he’s anything but gracious about taking care of your
feelings, you may not have a Mr. Right on your hands. It’s very hard
for men to “be just friends” with single women. I’m not saying it’s
impossible. It just doesn’t usually lead anywhere good. Someone who
really wants to marry you and get into a monogamous groove won’t be
spending time with female friends on a regular basis or sending
“anything but friendly” e-mails to them.
Think & Date Like A Man!
And lastly, if you really want to find Mr. Right, you need to get my
book, Think & Date Like A Man, and understand what a man does when
he wants to be married – which means, he stops hanging out with
other singles, and hangs out with other couples. He’ll act like he
wants to get married. He’ll introduce you to his friends (have you
met her?). You have to understand how men think – and by taking my
Man-Think quiz in the beginning of the book, you’ll be able to
assess your ability to know where you are in the relationship.
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site, www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
© 2006 April
Masini
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you
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