"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
Read chapters from April Masini's books here
AskApril.com
Q:
Dear April,
I have a good sex life with my husband, but I feel like I’m missing
something and that there’s more to be had than what we have in bed.
Can you guide me?
Signed, Sexy Seeker
A:
Dar Sexy Seeker:
Having a good sex life is such an important part of life and
relationships -- I commend you on having such a sex life with your
husband, but on not letting yourself get stuck in a rut. Good for
you! Many couples that are together for a long time have sex with
regular frequency, but lose that spark because of familiarity.
Sometimes when that happens they get bored and look outside the
marriage for that spark. In many ways, looking outside the marriage
is not just cheating on your partner – it’s cheating on yourself.
Most people who cheat learn this the hard way. They go outside the
marriage and have an affair or a series of flings and then get
caught and dumped. Once they’re dumped, they’re free to have as much
sex with as many people as possible – but still, they’re feeling
empty . That sexual opportunity is now free for the asking, but the
sex isn’t any good, and they get perplexed and depressed.
Cheating Is Not The Answer To Filling Any Void You Feel
To go deeper into sex, you have to figure out what sex is. I know
that sounds silly, and you’re probably thinking, “I’ve already had
the birds and the bees talk with my father or mother decades ago!!”
but I’m not here to explain the mechanics of sex to you. That part
is pretty easy, as you know. The real essence of sex is about
letting go to release all of your sexuality, and this allows you to
“get to the next level.”
The mechanics of having sex are just part of being sexual. Anyone
who is truly sexual knows that sex isn’t just intercourse or a
sexual act that results in orgasm. A smoldering glance across a bank
or a party between two people can elicit sexual feelings without any
physical contact whatsoever. The sexual feelings come from how you
feel in the presence – even if the presence is just a smoldering
glance – of another person. That other person, who is your partner –
for a fleeting moment or a lifetime, mirrors you. You see yourself
in your partner’s eyes, and the way you define yourself and behave
is a direct result of what you see in their face when you look at
them and they look back at you. If that partner has a sexual
response to you, you incorporate sexuality into your definition of
yourself. If that sexual response you see in the other person is
overwhelming for you to process, you’ll turn away from that person
and anyone else who makes you feel that way. You will surround
yourself with people who look at you and elicit a familiar or
comfortable response.
Marriage Is Sex With A Relative
This is how marriages get into sexual ruts. When you spend a lot of
time with one person, you run the risk of actually becoming too
familiar with them. Seeing someone have the flu and vomit, do the
dishes, trudge around the house in sweats with unwashed hair and
take out the trash are a far cry from any sexy image we are fed in
the media of women in stiletto heels with perfect makeup and toned
abs offering to cook a gourmet dinner for the hardworking husband
who comes home from his multi-million dollar a month job, looking
like Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio in a tuxedo. You begin to become
too familiar to your partner, and that non-sexual majority of most
peoples’ lives, snuffs out any sexual impulses that you used to have
when you were dating.
So Spice It Up
There are two ways to get this back. One way is external and the
other way is internal. Externally, you can do lots of things to
discipline yourself to include sexual play in your every day life .
For instance, you can make time for sex, and when you do, you can
spice it up by incorporating game playing like naked Twister or
strip Scrabble – or you can focus on a sexy theme, like having
professional shiatsu massages, a Japanese dinner with sake and
sushi, and start sex in a pair of kimonos that slowly – or quickly –
come off. You can purchase lingerie that puts you in the mood, or
take special care of your body with manicures, pedicures, waxing and
exercise classes that will make you more aware of your body and it’s
sexual components. This list of play and external care of your body
are infinite, limited only by your own imagination.
Let Go To Get More
Internally is what separates the men from the boys and those who
have truly deep sex from the more shallow sex pool waders. Because
sex is a natural component of your biology, physiology and
psychology, letting go of anything that represses your sexuality,
biologically, physiologically or psychologically, will unleash your
full-on sexuality. Sound like a lot of mumbo jumbo? Try hearing it
this way: If you can let go of your worries and your preconceived
ideas of what sex should be, you will allow yourself to go on your
primal automatic pilot when it comes to your sexual behavior and
feelings. So much of the sex we have is based on the sex we see in
movies or the sex we read about – or see somewhere else. Because sex
is often taboo, we don’t trust our own instincts, and we look for
guides on how we should behave sexually. While this is fine, as a
step in sexual development – it doesn’t get you to truly deep,
meaningful, spiritual sex.
Anytime you have limits or obstacles, you don’t get your true self.
This is true with sex. If you can let go of all ideas of what is
right, wrong, good or bad in sex, you can be truly artistic and
creative – which many people think is the same as spiritual – in
your sex life. If you take the lead in this sexual existence,
chances are, your partner will, too, and the road to amazing sex is
limitless under these circumstances. Boredom and getting stuck in a
rut won’t enter into your sex life.
Hard to believe – perhaps, but trust me and try it.
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site,
www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
500+ Dating Service Reviews 
