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I Moved -- Now I Miss My Ex
Moving Misery
Q:
Dear April,
I have been in a relationship on and off for almost 4 years. We are
currently off because I broke up with him and moved across the
country to live in San Francisco with the intention of "finding
myself". That was months ago and now that I am away from him and my
friends and family, I miss him and want to be with him again. Except
now it's impossible because I've moved.
He came here to visit
a few weeks ago and I swear I fell back in love with him all over
again. I feel like our relationship might work out now. He says he
wants to marry me but is waiting for me to grow up and find myself.
What do I do? I feel like all I want is him. This was not supposed
to happen...
Signed,
Help Me Find Myself
A:
Dear Help Me Find Myself,
Moving is a big transition and one of life’s biggest stressors. In
case you’re wondering, the others are marriage, divorce and having
children. So, its no surprise that with that big move stress in your
life you’re looking for support in your old comfort zones – your
family, friends and your ex-boyfriend. You haven’t had a chance to
build a new life in your new home in your new city so when you feel
stressed and blue the first place you look to is your old supports –
across the country.
Moving Stress
The problem is that you’re looking to your ex-boyfriend for comfort
because you don’t have a support network in your new home. Even
though your ex-boyfriend is across the country, he’s not a hook up
or a short-term boyfriend. You spent four years with him, so he is
almost like family, and when he comforts you, it feels safe --
especially all the way across the country. It’s easy to forget the
reasons that you broke up with him in the first place because you’re
getting your immediate needs met when he calls or visits you – and
your immediate needs are, not feeling lonely.
You have such an immediate need for comfort in a new city that you
may also overlook the reasons that you broke up with him. You didn’t
break up with him because he cheated on you or because you met
someone else. You didn’t find fault with him. You simply said you
needed to “find yourself.” No wonder he was waiting around and
wanting to stay in touch with you, and when he sensed your stress,
he flew out to be with you to get you back. It’s pretty clear to him
that you’re confused, and after four years together, he’d like to
end your confusion – and his – by getting back together.
Reasons For The Break Up
The real question that you need to answer is, ‘Why did you move
across the country?’ I don’t believe it when people say they need to
“find themselves.” There’s nothing to find about yourself in one
neighborhood that you can’t find in your own neighborhood. You don’t
need to travel across the country to figure out what’s bothering
you. There are other ways to catch a break if you’re stressed out.
For example, vacations are great breaks from the everyday stress of
life, and they help you gain perspective -- but picking up and
moving across the country? I never buy anyone saying that moving
across the country to “find themselves” works. Career changes or
moving for jobs make sense. Ending relationships that aren’t working
works. What was it you were trying to find in yourself? Frequent
flyer miles?
You’re the person who can answer that question best of all but here
are some guesses on my part:
1. Possibly, you were trying to end your relationship with your
boyfriend without having a painful break up. Leaving town – leaving
the state – was an easy way to avoid problems that you were having
and avoid a conflict. It’s also an easy way to keep him hanging on
and therefore not having to shut the door on him completely. If you
really wanted to marry him, you would have during the four years you
were together. Or you would have jumped at his recent marriage
proposal. I don’t hear you saying that you want to marry your
boyfriend, even after he’s proposed. I hear you saying that all you
want is him, but in the next sentence, you say this was not supposed
to happen. Huh? Yes it was, and you know it! If you date someone for
four years, you will get a marriage proposal if everything is going
normally. Now that you got one, you’re saying this isn’t supposed to
happen? What planet are you from?
2. You really don’t know what you want, and moving across the
country didn’t help. It just complicated the problem. Now you still
don’t know what you want, and you’ve got really high long distance
phone bills to boot! The problems you had on one coast are still
with you on the other coast. And if you move to Europe, guess what?
I bet you’ll have the exact same problems there, too.
So, here’s what you should do:
1. Take a break from your boyfriend. A real break. No phone calls.
No instant messages. No e-mails. No visits. Understand that he is
going to date other people – and so are you. Only you are not going
to rush headlong into a “distraction relationship” or a “rebound
relationship.” You’re just going to keep it light.
2. Focus on making a life where you are now. Get a job. Go out on
the weekends and evenings. Make an effort to get to know your
neighbors and make new friends.
3. Get a life. Volunteer and do some charity work. Take up a sport
if you don’t already have one you like. Exercise. Keep up your
grooming and give yourself a lift with a new hairstyle, some new
make up and a new look in your clothes. Take a class. Read a book.
Become someone you’d be interested in having as a friend.
4. And most importantly, do the real work that you’ve avoided up
until now. Figure out what you want in your life. Get a copy of
Think & Date Like A Man, my new book, and read up on how not making
decisions are decisions. If you don’t do this work, you’re not just
avoiding it – you’re wasting time, and making a decision to not do
the work. Read up on how knowing what you want is the key to finding
the man you want, and being in the relationship that you want. If
you take care of yourself, the rest will fall into place. But that
means confronting yourself head on, and not running away any more.
Sincerely,
April
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