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I Hate That My Boyfriend Is Friends With His Ex

"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League"
Read chapters from April Masini's books here

I Hate That My Boyfriend Is Friends With His Ex
My Boyfriend is Too Close To His Ex

Q: Dear April,
My partner has some contact with his ex. He has said to me several times that it will not start again. Sometimes I see it very changed, but other times I don't. What should I do?

A: Dear Girlfriend:
If your boyfriendís ex is his ex-wife with children, then he will have to have contact with her for the rest of his life because of the children. He should limit his contact to anything that has to do with the kids. If you canít handle that, then you should find someone without children with whom to have a relationship. There are lots of men like that. Just be very clear with yourself about what you want and stick to that.

His Ex Reminds You of Sex

However, I suspect that your boyfriendís ex is an ex-girlfriend or an ex-wife without children between them. In this case, it is perfectly okay for you to want him not to have contact with his ex. However, you need to really accept who he is Ė and who he isnít. If he is someone who canít honor his promise not to have contact with his ex, or your feelings that you don't want him to have contact with his ex, which you have made clear to him, you will do yourself a big favor by accepting him for who he is, and not trying to change him. If he wanted to change, he would. If he really canít live without seeing his ex then you should accept that he has some unfinished business with her that has nothing to do with you, but that is affecting you. Maybe he still has feelings for her. Maybe he doesn't want to commit to you and this is his way of staying out of a commitment. Regardless, this is all his problem, and you shouldn't make it yours. If you don't accept him, you'll turn into a nag, and a nasty version of someone his mother might have been, and he already has a mother. Besides if you want to be a mother, there are easier ways to become one. And if he wants a mother, you can point him in the direction of the house where he rew up. Face it: You canít change him. What you can do is change yourself.

If His Ex Makes Him Your Ex

The great thing about dating is that you donít have to marry your date, and you donít have to continue a relationship that isnít meeting your needs. In fact, you donít have to go out on another date with him at all if you donít want to. Dating is all about finding someone who is right for you and who makes you happy, and who is happy because of you. If your boyfriend is committed to his ex and canít not see her, and this upsets you, then accept the fact that heís not ďthe one,Ē and start dating other people and open up your choices of men that you might have a serious relationship with. There are lots of men who want to be in monogamous relationships. There are lots of men who donít want any contact with their ex. There are lots of men who will want to not see their ex if thats what youíd like because they want to please you. If you donít have one of those men, then find one!

If this problem seems to be repeating with other boyfriends, you might want to consider your own needs and how realistic they are. Itís good to have self esteem and know what you want. But if your expectations are unrealistic and are interfering with your happiness, you need to readjust your goals. Most men have had relationships before they get serious or marry. This means that they will have ex girlfriends Ė and some of them may even have ex wives. This is normal. If you have an unusual need to be the only woman in your manís life, there isnít going to be room for even his mother Ė and thatís not healthy. On the other hand, you may not have any exes in your life, so the idea of someone being friendly with an ex may seem threatening to you Ė or you may not have friendly relationships with any of your exes so that anyone who does have a friendly or cordial relationship with their ex may threaten you, as well.

On the other hand, if you start dating other people and you find youíre happier, then you did the right thing by honoring your own choices in a man.


Ready for even more bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web site, www.Ask There, you'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real "soul mate"!


Date Out of Your League - For The Man Who Is Ready To Date The Woman He Wants - Not The One He Settles For!

Ask April "Date Out Of Your League"

© 2006 April Masini

April Masini is a recognized and award winning producer, author, columnist, motivational speaker, relationship and success expertówith politically incorrect twist. Sure to raise eyebrows, generate buzz Ö and INSPIRE RESULTS!

Standing 5 feet, 8 inches tall, with a lean 127-pound body, and 38-26-36 proportions, it's not hard to understand why April Masini's impressive list of accomplishments is not the first thing that pops into a guy's mind upon meeting her. But April is much more than a blonde bombshell.
Though she started off her career as a model and actress, April has moved on to become a persuasive public speaker and President/CEO of Masini Television & Film Enterprises, LLC in Honolulu, and Masini Enterprises, Inc. in Los Angeles.



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