"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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I Hate That My Boyfriend Is
Friends With His Ex
My Boyfriend is Too Close To His Ex
My partner has some contact with his ex. He has said to me several
times that it will not start again. Sometimes I see it very changed,
but other times I don't. What should I do?
If your boyfriendís ex is his ex-wife with children, then he will
have to have contact with her for the rest of his life because of
the children. He should limit his contact to anything that has to do
with the kids. If you canít handle that, then you should find
someone without children with whom to have a relationship. There are
lots of men like that. Just be very clear with yourself about what
you want and stick to that.
His Ex Reminds You of Sex
However, I suspect that your boyfriendís ex is an ex-girlfriend or
an ex-wife without children between them. In this case, it is
perfectly okay for you to want him not to have contact with his ex.
However, you need to really accept who he is Ė and who he isnít. If
he is someone who canít honor his promise not to have contact with
his ex, or your feelings that you don't want him to have contact
with his ex, which you have made clear to him, you will do yourself
a big favor by accepting him for who he is, and not trying to change
him. If he wanted to change, he would. If he really canít live
without seeing his ex then you should accept that he has some
unfinished business with her that has nothing to do with you, but
that is affecting you. Maybe he still has feelings for her. Maybe he
doesn't want to commit to you and this is his way of staying out of
a commitment. Regardless, this is all his problem, and you shouldn't
make it yours. If you don't accept him, you'll turn into a nag, and
a nasty version of someone his mother might have been, and he
already has a mother. Besides if you want to be a mother, there are
easier ways to become one. And if he wants a mother, you can point
him in the direction of the house where he rew up. Face it: You
canít change him. What you can do is change yourself.
If His Ex Makes Him Your Ex
The great thing about dating is that you donít have to marry your
date, and you donít have to continue a relationship that isnít
meeting your needs. In fact, you donít have to go out on another
date with him at all if you donít want to. Dating is all about
finding someone who is right for you and who makes you happy, and
who is happy because of you. If your boyfriend is committed to his
ex and canít not see her, and this upsets you, then accept the fact
that heís not ďthe one,Ē and start dating other people and open up
your choices of men that you might have a serious relationship with.
There are lots of men who want to be in monogamous relationships.
There are lots of men who donít want any contact with their ex.
There are lots of men who will want to not see their ex if thats
what youíd like because they want to please you. If you donít have
one of those men, then find one!
If this problem seems to be repeating with other boyfriends, you
might want to consider your own needs and how realistic they are.
Itís good to have self esteem and know what you want. But if your
expectations are unrealistic and are interfering with your
happiness, you need to readjust your goals. Most men have had
relationships before they get serious or marry. This means that they
will have ex girlfriends Ė and some of them may even have ex wives.
This is normal. If you have an unusual need to be the only woman in
your manís life, there isnít going to be room for even his mother Ė
and thatís not healthy. On the other hand, you may not have any exes
in your life, so the idea of someone being friendly with an ex may
seem threatening to you Ė or you may not have friendly relationships
with any of your exes so that anyone who does have a friendly or
cordial relationship with their ex may threaten you, as well.
On the other hand, if you start dating other people and you find
youíre happier, then you did the right thing by honoring your own
choices in a man.
Ready for even more
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April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
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to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real