"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Can I Like My Brother's Friend?
I Have a Crush on My Brother's Friend
What do you do when you like one of your brother's friends, and that
guy is a year younger? Is that bad? is it bad to even like one of
his friends? They have been friends for about a year now. I never
actually hung out with him or my brother untill my brother's
birthday party. We ended up talking and being by each other half the
night. Then before they all left we ended up kissing. So i'm
confused on what to do. I don't know whether to think this guy likes
me back or what. It's really confusing.
I Like My Brother's Friend
Dear I Like My Brother's Friend:
It's perfectly okay to like someone who' s younger than you are. A
year isn't going to make a big difference in anyone's life.
Sometimes when people are young teens, as I suspect you are, it
seems like a big deal to like someone a year older or a year
younger. If you look at older couples, most of them are different
ages. In fact, when you get older, five, ten, fifteen and even
twenty years, can be "do-able" age differences in happy, healthy
relationships. It really depends on the maturity of the two
What's probably really bothering you is the fact that this friend is
your brother's friend first, and your boyfriend -- or possible
boyfriend -- second. It may feel like because your brother and this
guy are friends, and that's how you came to know this guy -- through
your brother -- that you have to honor that relationship that the
two guys have first. It's a good instinct to live by, but the
reality is that love and sexual feelings complicate things.
Especially because you're new to dating.
Your brother and his friend are friends. You want to be more than
friends with your brother's friend. It is possible for both things
to happen. You and your brother's friend can date. Your brother's
friend and your brother can be buddies and you and your brother can
be siblings. If it sounds complicated, get used to it! That's what
happens when families marry and expand their families. All of a
sudden you will have brother in laws, sisters in law, nieces nephews
and in laws. And you'll have different relationships with all of
them -- and their relatives. So what you're doing now, is really
getting a glimpse of the future, in terms of relationships.
I can tell you what will make you feel better, though. And that is
to talk to your brother first. Tell him that you like his friend and
that you really enjoyed spending time with him at the birthday
party. You don't have to ask your brother's permission to like his
friend. Your brother doesn't own the friend, and he doesn't own you.
What you are going to be doing is sharing your feelings. This is how
you grow closer to people. You are offering your brother a chance to
become closer with you by explaining to him how you feel. it also
gives your brother a chance to tell you how he feels -- about you,
his friend -- maybe he wants to tell you about someone he likes that
happens to be a friend of yours! The beauty of opening the door to
your brother by sharing your feelings is that it's a creative
process and you have no idea what he may share with you! That's
what's great about life -- the adventure.
If you're afraid your brother is going to be angry with you for
liking his friend, or if you're afraid that your brother is going to
tell you not to hang out with his friend any more, then you really
have to face that fear and find out if that's what your brother is
going to do. Sometimes siblings get jealous over attention that the
other one gets. This stems from wanting the parents attentions as a
baby when a sibling comes along and takes the parents attention.
There can be a lifelong rivalry between siblings to gain attention
from parents -- or parent figures -- that can be friends, teachers
or anyone that both of you want attention from. Like this guy. If
you have a case of sibling rivalry and this guy is the object of it,
it's much better to deal with it up front and talk it out, then to
ignore it or miss an opportunity to have a nice relationship with
this guy just because you have old issues with your parents and your
brother that are unresolved. Resolve them now!
On the other hand, your brother may know things about this guy that
you don't, and he may feel protective of you. You should respect
your brother's wanting to take care of you -- if that's what he
does. He may know that this guy has another girlfriend already -- or
that he has a history of cheating on girls. He may have information
about this guy that is valuable to you, so you should listen and
then make your own decision.
After you straighten things out with your brother, you should figure
out what you want from this guy and what he's offering. I hate to
burst your bubble, but guys will make out with you because they can.
Older men sleep with women because they can. It doesn't mean that
they like you and want to have a relationship with you. It just
means that they like making out with you or having sex. There's a
big difference. I'd suggest you back off and let him make the first
move. He knows you like him because you hung out and kissed. If he
wants a relationship with you, he'll call you and ask you out on a
date. DON'T you ask him out on a date. DON'T you call him. Here's
what you can do:
1. Concentrate on your school or job -- or both if you have both.
Focus on getting good grades and doing well.
2. Take care of yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good about
yourself -- exercise, take up a sport, get a haircut, go through
your wardrobe and do a clothing make over -- whatever will make you
feel great about yourself, do it!
3. Have fun with your friends. Go out and have fun. Guys love girls
(and men love women) who have a good attitude, confidence, and an
interesting life! If he sees you're independent and you have your
act together, you'll be more attractive to him.
4. Be prepared for other guys to like you. If you do the above three
things, you're going to have a lot of guys liking you, and you'll be
the prize that they'll have to fight over and win. And trust me --
guys like to do this. They like to feel like they won a great girl
-- and that's who you are and who you will be the more you focus on
making yourself the best you you can.
Ready for even more
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