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My First Love Has Another First
Love
How To Handle His Past
Q:
Dear April,
My boyfriend recently told me that he has been thinking about his
ex-girlfriend who was his first love. He says that he truly loves me
and the only reason that he even thought about her was because she
sent him a card on his birthday. He said that he'll be getting help,
but is there any point me putting myself through this? I love him,
too, and he's my first love and I don’t want to lose him.
Sincerely,
First Love Anxiety
A:
Dear First Love Anxiety:
First love is always bittersweet because it is full of joy and new
feelings and emotions – and it is rarely the last love any of us
have. Sometimes – once in a while – your first love is your lifetime
love. But most times, your first love is not the man you marry.
That’s the big picture. The day to day picture is that you should
enjoy the love you have with this boyfriend, and not be afraid that
there is going to be a break up unless you have good reason to fear
a break up. Just because she sent him a birthday card does not mean
that he wants to get back together with her. She may want to get
back together with him, and so she’s trying to get his attention by
sending him a card – or she may just be in a happy place in her life
and be thinking fondly of him, and wants to wish him well. Those
things are less important than his reaction.
If he’s just thinking about her, that’s okay. Some men won’t tell
you that they’re thinking about an old girlfriend – and while that
saves you a lot of heart ache and worry, you’ll never really know
what they’re thinking. Your boyfriend has an intimate relationship
with you and that’s why he shared the information with you. He
didn’t tell you he wants to see her or that he’s going to start
dating her. He just told you that she sent him a card and he’s been
thinking about her because you are the person he shares those
intimate thoughts with.
Your first love is important, but many people think that their great
love is more important than their first love. For all you know she
may be his first love, but you may be his great love. In a healthy
relationship, you have to understand that your boyfriend has come to
the table with some experience. That’s who he is – for better and
for worse. For him to be callous and have no feelings for anyone who
was in his life before you would be dishonest or dysfunctional.
You sound like you’re feeling insecure in your relationship, and I
wonder if you are insecure in other areas as well. It may do you
well to focus on yourself and try to build your own self-esteem by
getting good at things. You can still be in your relationship with
your boyfriend, but you don’t want to put all your eggs in one
basket, so to speak. If you’re in school, focus on your school work.
If you have a job, focus on that. If you’d rather, try a new sport,
or get in shape in a way you never have before. Work on your
grooming – have your eyebrows re-shaped. Get a great new haircut or
highlights. Re-do your wardrobe and your look. Do charity work – or
if you don’t have a job, get one. Make sure you spend time with your
girlfriends and your family in addition to your boyfriend. Men like
women who have their own lives and aren’t completely dependent on
them.
You’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship if you spend
more of your energy focusing on what’s productive, positive and fun
in your life, and stop worrying about problems that don’t exist.
Adjust your attitude and watch the happiness follow. Also, you
should work on accepting other people’s pasts because the older you
get, the more you will find yourself dating people who have dated
more than you have, or even, have been married and divorced when you
haven’t. Rather than seeing other people’s experiences as threats to
your well being, see them as facets of their personality. And rather
than focus on your boyfriend’s first love, start having some
adventures of your own with him and focus on the love the two of you
have now!
Sincerely,
April
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