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Q:
Dear April,
My sister asked me if I would mind if she went out on a date with my
old boyfriend. I said it was fine, but now I don’t feel fine. What’s
wrong with me?
Signed,
Sister Act
A:
Dear Sister Act:
Nothing is wrong with you – except for the fact that you lied to
yourself and your sister, and that’s why you feel like something is
wrong. But don’t worry. We can fix that. Here’s the problem.
Ex Doesn't Mean Dead
You broke up with your boyfriend, but you still have feelings about
him and your relationship with him. It doesn’t mean you still love
him. It doesn’t even mean you still like him. You may have moved on
in many ways. In fact, you may even be in a great new relationship
where everything is going well and you never even think about your
ex, normally. But when your sister brought him up as a possible date
for her, she brought him back onto your “radar screen” and now
you’re wondering if he was always interested in your sister when he
was dating you and if so how much. You’re probably wondering what
kind of communication your sister and your ex had while you were
dating, while you broke up, and since then. For example, when he
came to pick you up when you were dating, and you weren't ready, and
your sister was chatting with him until you came downstairs, what
was really going on? You’re also probably wondering about all the
reasons you broke up with him, or he broke up with you – even if
you’re happy in your relationship now. In fact, you may have some
new anxiety about what's going on in your current relationship, and
if anyone like your sister, is interested in your current partner --
and you don't know about it.
Don't Freak Out
Relax. This is all normal. Any time someone from your past is
brought into your present – in a fleeting mention in a conversation,
in a dream, or in a real life situation where your sister wants to
date that someone, you have these thoughts and wonders. So allow
yourself to ask all those questions of yourself without feeling
abnormal worry or guilt.
Seduced By Good Manners
The next thing you have to understand is that you allowed yourself
to be seduced by your sister’s civility. Her good manners and her
doing the right thing by asking your permission, in a sense, to date
your ex, was very gracious. She didn’t have to do it. She could have
just gone out and dated him without telling you, letting you find
out from someone else, or telling you down the road sometime. But
she didn’t. And because she was so civil, you felt that you had to
be just as civil, back to her – but you mistook civility with
actions. Many people do this – mostly women with self-esteem that
needs a little amp-ing up. When someone is gracious to them, they
feel that they have to give them what they want. But what is more
important is doing what you mean to do – not what the other person
wants you to do. Don't just respond to what it is they're saying.
Respond to what it is they're asking for or telling you.
Rights vs. Right
Now you have to get to the core of the problem. You’re feeling funny
because you really don’t want her to date your ex boyfriend, and you
don’t really have any right to tell her not to. You’re afraid that
you’re going to create a confrontation by telling her your true
feelings – that you don’t want her to date him -- and you’re trying
to avoid that by saying yes, she can date him – when you really want
to say no, she can’t. But you also know that even if you tell her
she can’t date him, you don’t own him – and he may even very much
want to date her. So you say yes to save face, so that you won’t
have to be seen in a defeat situation – by telling her she can’t
date him and then watching while she does anyway!
Women have a built in biological mechanism that keeps us from
fighting because we are not as physically strong as men,
historically, and we would be wiped out if we fought them. That
mechanism creates a "fight or flight" syndrome. Adrenaline is
released into our body when we feel a confrontation coming on. The
adrenaline causes anxiety. That is what you are feeling. There is a
way to reduce this discomfort, and that is by knowing what is
happening to you and why it is happening to you. That alone will
alleviate some of your discomfort.
Tell Her You Don't Want Her To Date Him
What you have to do now is tell your sister that you were really
taken aback by her request. You’re very appreciative that she came
to you first to ask your permission when she didn’t have to, and
you’d love to know more about the relationship. Ask her what you
want to know. Have a cup of coffee and find out all those questions
that are nagging at you. Tell her how you feel – that you’re
embarrassed and shocked that you have these feelings about the fact
that she is interested in him – and him in her. But you have them,
nonetheless. Tell her that you’re not sure how you feel about it,
and you’re going to have to take a little time to get used to it.
Then comes the hard part. The truth. Tell her that you really don’t
want her to go out with him. Tell her that it makes you
uncomfortable. Tell her your true feelings about him – that you
don’t have any romantic designs on him, but it still makes you feel
uncomfortable, nonetheless. And tell her that you realize it’s
really not your choice to make, and that if she does decide to go
out with him, you’ll find a way to be okay with it -- and that
you’re open to any of her suggestions on ways to make this go more
smoothly.
Let Go And Move On
Then comes the really hard part. You have to do what you said you’re
going to do! That’s why it’s important to tell the truth – to your
own self and to others. Lies complicate things and this situation is
already inherently complicated. If you lie about any part of this,
you will find yourself in a big mess that will be difficult to
unravel. If you are honest that you don’t like this, but you’re
going to try and be okay with it, you don’t have to hide your
feelings so much. If you choose to not be around when they are, your
sister will at least know why. And the other par of all this is that
you don't have to like this, and you don't have to pretend to like
it. You didn’t do anything wrong if you were honest.
Sincerely,
April
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