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My Sister Wants To Date My Ex
Why Do I Feel So Weird?

"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
Read chapters from April Masini's books here

AskApril.com

Q: Dear April,
My sister asked me if I would mind if she went out on a date with my old boyfriend. I said it was fine, but now I donít feel fine. Whatís wrong with me?
Signed,
Sister Act

A: Dear Sister Act:

Nothing is wrong with you Ė except for the fact that you lied to yourself and your sister, and thatís why you feel like something is wrong. But donít worry. We can fix that. Hereís the problem.

Ex Doesn't Mean Dead

You broke up with your boyfriend, but you still have feelings about him and your relationship with him. It doesnít mean you still love him. It doesnít even mean you still like him. You may have moved on in many ways. In fact, you may even be in a great new relationship where everything is going well and you never even think about your ex, normally. But when your sister brought him up as a possible date for her, she brought him back onto your ďradar screenĒ and now youíre wondering if he was always interested in your sister when he was dating you and if so how much. Youíre probably wondering what kind of communication your sister and your ex had while you were dating, while you broke up, and since then. For example, when he came to pick you up when you were dating, and you weren't ready, and your sister was chatting with him until you came downstairs, what was really going on? Youíre also probably wondering about all the reasons you broke up with him, or he broke up with you Ė even if youíre happy in your relationship now. In fact, you may have some new anxiety about what's going on in your current relationship, and if anyone like your sister, is interested in your current partner -- and you don't know about it.

Don't Freak Out

Relax. This is all normal. Any time someone from your past is brought into your present Ė in a fleeting mention in a conversation, in a dream, or in a real life situation where your sister wants to date that someone, you have these thoughts and wonders. So allow yourself to ask all those questions of yourself without feeling abnormal worry or guilt.

Seduced By Good Manners

The next thing you have to understand is that you allowed yourself to be seduced by your sisterís civility. Her good manners and her doing the right thing by asking your permission, in a sense, to date your ex, was very gracious. She didnít have to do it. She could have just gone out and dated him without telling you, letting you find out from someone else, or telling you down the road sometime. But she didnít. And because she was so civil, you felt that you had to be just as civil, back to her Ė but you mistook civility with actions. Many people do this Ė mostly women with self-esteem that needs a little amp-ing up. When someone is gracious to them, they feel that they have to give them what they want. But what is more important is doing what you mean to do Ė not what the other person wants you to do. Don't just respond to what it is they're saying. Respond to what it is they're asking for or telling you.

Rights vs. Right

Now you have to get to the core of the problem. Youíre feeling funny because you really donít want her to date your ex boyfriend, and you donít really have any right to tell her not to. Youíre afraid that youíre going to create a confrontation by telling her your true feelings Ė that you donít want her to date him -- and youíre trying to avoid that by saying yes, she can date him Ė when you really want to say no, she canít. But you also know that even if you tell her she canít date him, you donít own him Ė and he may even very much want to date her. So you say yes to save face, so that you wonít have to be seen in a defeat situation Ė by telling her she canít date him and then watching while she does anyway!

Women have a built in biological mechanism that keeps us from fighting because we are not as physically strong as men, historically, and we would be wiped out if we fought them. That mechanism creates a "fight or flight" syndrome. Adrenaline is released into our body when we feel a confrontation coming on. The adrenaline causes anxiety. That is what you are feeling. There is a way to reduce this discomfort, and that is by knowing what is happening to you and why it is happening to you. That alone will alleviate some of your discomfort.

Tell Her You Don't Want Her To Date Him

What you have to do now is tell your sister that you were really taken aback by her request. Youíre very appreciative that she came to you first to ask your permission when she didnít have to, and youíd love to know more about the relationship. Ask her what you want to know. Have a cup of coffee and find out all those questions that are nagging at you. Tell her how you feel Ė that youíre embarrassed and shocked that you have these feelings about the fact that she is interested in him Ė and him in her. But you have them, nonetheless. Tell her that youíre not sure how you feel about it, and youíre going to have to take a little time to get used to it.

Then comes the hard part. The truth. Tell her that you really donít want her to go out with him. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her your true feelings about him Ė that you donít have any romantic designs on him, but it still makes you feel uncomfortable, nonetheless. And tell her that you realize itís really not your choice to make, and that if she does decide to go out with him, youíll find a way to be okay with it -- and that youíre open to any of her suggestions on ways to make this go more smoothly.

Let Go And Move On

Then comes the really hard part. You have to do what you said youíre going to do! Thatís why itís important to tell the truth Ė to your own self and to others. Lies complicate things and this situation is already inherently complicated. If you lie about any part of this, you will find yourself in a big mess that will be difficult to unravel. If you are honest that you donít like this, but youíre going to try and be okay with it, you donít have to hide your feelings so much. If you choose to not be around when they are, your sister will at least know why. And the other par of all this is that you don't have to like this, and you don't have to pretend to like it. You didnít do anything wrong if you were honest.

Sincerely,
April

Ready for even more bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web site, www.Ask April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real "soul mate"!

 

Date Out of Your League - For The Man Who Is Ready To Date The Woman He Wants - Not The One He Settles For!

Ask April "Date Out Of Your League"


© 2005 April Masini

BRIEF BIO
April Masini is a recognized and award winning producer, author, columnist, motivational speaker, relationship and success expertówith politically incorrect twist. Sure to raise eyebrows, generate buzz Ö and INSPIRE RESULTS!

Standing 5 feet, 8 inches tall, with a lean 127-pound body, and 38-26-36 proportions, it's not hard to understand why April Masini's impressive list of accomplishments is not the first thing that pops into a guy's mind upon meeting her. But April is much more than a blonde bombshell.
Though she started off her career as a model and actress, April has moved on to become a persuasive public speaker and President/CEO of Masini Television & Film Enterprises, LLC in Honolulu, and Masini Enterprises, Inc. in Los Angeles.


On January 26, 2004, April's no-holds-barred advice book, "Date Out of Your League" hit the stands, causing controversy with her witty, well-endowed, naughty alter-ego, High Voltage Blonde, her brutally honest, uncensored advice, and her sometimes politically incorrect message.... But controversy quickly turned into interest, and then followings, when the most widely read newspapers, magazines, and Web sites, around the world, began seeking out April's comments, opinions, and expertise.

In fact, April became so popular that in February, 2004, "Ask April" was launched simultaneously on two of FORBES Magazine's "Best on the Web" winners, MillionaireMatch.com, who not only won with FORBES in 2003, but was also singled out by the WALL STREET JOURNAL; along with aLoveLinksPlus, who took FORBES top award in 2001 and 2002. Then "Ask April" jumped the Pacific with MyNippon.com the hugely popular Japanese site devoted to romance techniques.

When April isnít writing, this former model/actress is leading seminars, guest lecturing, or dedicating her time to Masini Enterprisesóher multifaceted television and film production company whose accomplishments have been recognized, record-breaking, and award winning, with strong connections to everything from "Baywatch" and "Blue Crush" to "LifeStyles of the Rich & Famous" and "The Miss Universe Pageant."

 

 

 

 

 

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