"Ask April" Author of the best selling, "Date Out Of Your League" AskApril.com
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Q:
Dear April,
When I tell people about my life, it sounds great – I’ve
accomplished so much -- but the truth is, I’m always stressed, I’m
always treading water to stay afloat, and if I take half a day off –
even during the weekend – to play, I fall behind. How can I get my
life back?
Signed, Success Stressed
A:
Dear Success Stressed:
Whoever said, “You can do it all -- and have it all,” didn't have
children – and had a lot of domestic and secretarial help!
Doing too much is a huge problem today, more than ever, and the
results can be as tragic as stress related heart attacks and other
injuries, or exhaustion related accidents. Short of those kinds of
acute injuries and health problems, relationships can fall apart
from the stress of doing too much, and the long term result of doing
too much can be long term – or chronic --- stress – both physically
and emotionally. (Read more about relationship stress)
Why Do We Do Too Much?
* 1. Women are naturally caretakers, and they would very often
rather take on too much to make other people happy than not take on
too much and watch others be unhappy.
* 2. Women are often afraid of conflict, and would rather say yes to
taking on too much, than saying no, and having to deal with
disappointment or confrontation by the one they are saying no to.
* 3. Beasts of burden. Men are often expected to earn a living, help
with housework and child-care in the age of double income with kid
families. Rather than stop working when they feel stressed, they
often just keep going, working through pain, exhaustion and very,
very bad moods. (Check out some great relaxing gifts like a massage
chair for the man in your life.)
* 4. Women often take on too much when it comes to work, raising
children, and having a romantic relationship with a husband because
they want a beautiful home, car, vacations, etc. rather than taking
on less work and having less.
* 5. Children are overscheduled by parents who want what they think
is the best for their kids, so they sign them up for pottery,
horseback riding, French lessons, boy scouts, girl scouts, religious
school, little league, and book clubs. And don't forget the
expectation to get good grades, too!
* 6. Fear of failure. We become so invested in succeeding that we
become committed to succeeding – at any price. The “Just Do It”
folks never meant for you to just do it – even if it means your
marriage or your relationship is going to crumble, or your blood
pressure is going to shoot sky high. At least, I don’t think they
did. Read more about fear and how to get rid of it.)
* 7. We forget what success is. More is more, but it isn’t always
the most. Sometimes having less things and more time with a loved
one is success. Sometimes having a house you built yourself is more
than a mansion that someone else built. Sometimes being President of
a company, but having a nanny raise your kids is less than being a
gym teacher part time, and raising your one child alone. Regardless,
there is no right or wrong – but there is a personal answer that
only you can come up with.
Do Less – and Get More Done
Ever spread yourself so thin that you got a little of fifteen
projects started, but none completed? In that same amount of time, I
bet you could complete and do a great, focused, job on three or even
four projects. In fact, if you find that you’re addicted to list
making – but not list crossing off, you may be a perfect candidate
for scaling down, and getting more done.
Some people are able to work really well on multiple peripheral
projects at one time, but most people are linear and need to
complete one project at a time in order to do a good job. What keeps
you from completing that one project?
* 1. The looming list! Knowing you have A LIST of things to do…can
be like the sound of one violin string eerily playing in the
background, a reminder that even when you finish what you’re doing
now, you’re still not done! In fact, you have so much to do on that
list, there’s no way you can get it all done in one day, one week or
even one month!
* 2. Lists that multiply like rabbits. You have a list on your
computer at work, your laptop at home, your palm pilot, your date
book – and yellow sticky notes with reminders of other things to do
keep cropping up everywhere! You’re surrounded by lists! Before you
shriek for help, cure your list-mania by paring down to ONE list in
the house and ONE list that you keep at work or carry around with
you.
* 3. Focus. Don’t pick up the telephone. For some people it’s really
hard not to pick up a ringing phone, answer a paging beeper, run for
the mail or open e-mail as it comes in. All these faux chores can
amount to procrastination tools.
Tips and Advice
for Not Doing Too Much
Here are a few tips and pieces of advice to keep you healthy --
physically and emotionally:
* 1. See the big picture. Saying yes to volunteer situations,
helping family members and taking on work projects may make you a
hero in someone's eyes for the moment, but what will happen when you
can't get everything done? You have a limited amount of waking
hours. Keep in mind the best way to schedule your life. Include
naps, down time, and meals that are eaten sitting -- not standing
over a sink.
* 2. Don’t say yes out of fear. What are you afraid will happen if
you say no to taking on more? Many people say yes because they are
afraid that someone may think less of them when they say no. Where's
your self-esteem on the ego thermometer today? Who are you really
taking care of when you agree to do something? If it's not you, then
what pay off do you get by taking care of someone else beside
yourself? Remember -- if you have a husband, a boyfriend or
children, whatever parts of yourself you give away to others, leaves
less for your "family." And the weaker your family is, the less you
have to give to other people.
* 3. Practice saying no without judgment. No doesn't have to mean,
‘I don't like you,’ ‘I disrespect you,’ or ‘I think you're an
unattractive person.’ No can be a simple business decision. It can
be a simple decision made about your metabolism and daily sleep
needs. It can be a mature decision based on reality -- rather than
fantasy -- or what you would like to be able to do, but as a mere
mortal, can't. Next time there’s a call for volunteers, sit on your
hands, and don’t you dare raise them. See what it feels like, and
try it again!
* 4. Consider your values. Do you believe that someone who does more
work is more worthy than someone who does less work? Is someone who
works “smart” and efficiently, more worthy than someone who would
rather use a paper and typewriter instead of a computer because they
like the old fashioned feel of the key action? Loosen up about your
values, and watch the world open up to you!
Sincerely,
April
Ready for even more
bold, brutally honest, and always helpful dating advice? Visit my Web
site,
www.Ask
April.com There, you'll find informative articles, expert
columnists, interactive quizzes, and free giveaways! And don't forget
to also check out my workshops, designed to help you find you real
"soul mate"!
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