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Hi Rob,
Here's the situation...girl meets boy on vacation, he is great. They
start doing the long distance thing and after almost a year she decides
to relocate to where he lives. Upon which she has her own place and he
eventually ends up moving in.
Needless
to say once he moved in the trouble began. He was extremely messy and
very forgetful, so the girl ended up assuming the "mother" role. After
some months passed the girl started to resent her new position and her
frustration became eminent. They argued alot, as his forgetfulness made
her feel like he didn't care. The intimacy began to dwindle and
eventually was none existent. He was not interested one bit. He also had
somewhat of a drinking problem. If they went to a social event he would
drink himself into a drunken stupor and proceed to act like a complete
_____ and not remember a thing he did or said the next day! The girl was
so frustrated and had soooo many conversations with him to no avail. He
promised to change and the effort was never made.
Finally
one day she caught him in one of his many lies and told him it was over.
She knew she didn't deserve this and that he needed to grow up. The
night he came to get his things he was very late and tipsy. Leaving her
with a horrible image of him. After moving out he made no effort to try
to re-establish the relationship.
Now the
girl is going to leave town and move back home, she is very sad about
the situation but knows it is not right for her. She does not want to
speak to him because every time she does it re-opens the wound. Does she
have to tell him she is leaving town? Should she send him a good-bye
note? If so, what should it say?? Or is it best just to walk away as it
is over and he no longer needs to concern himself with her?
Thanks so much,
A
Hi A,
Your relationship was over with this guy the moment you realized how
awful he was and that he wasn't for you.
Good for you in having the courage to walk away from such a horrible
person.
Since you've already explained your reasons for leaving and he's shown
little remorse for his actions, moving with giving him no notice or
forwarding information is fine.
If he finally notices you're gone he knows where you used to live and
can look for you there.
Likely, he'll not bother.
There is a better guy out there for you,
Best wishes.
Rob.
*****
Hi Rob, I
hope you'll have a bit of encouragement for me.
My new-ish guy interest is 7 yrs younger than I am (I'm 43), never been
married (tho' I briefly was about 13 yrs ago), and seems very
level-headed and decent. He's not a workaholic but when he's busy THAT
IS IT. I've spent time with him during non-busy times and he gives me
his undivided attention then, so it's really easy - in the moment - to
enjoy his company without being anxious or wary. We can yap together for
hours on end, and we can also be quiet and relaxed. It's relatively soon
in the friendship to call it 'dating', so I don't. I think of it as
'preliminaries'. We're just getting acquainted and it can't be forced or
rushed. I know this in my head.
The struggle comes from layers of disappointments in my background along
with a couple of tragic circumstances involving my desire to finally
trust someone with the person I am. I don't want to elaborate on the
events as they're not in themselves relevant, but they left me severely
hair-triggered. It seems all I have to do is THINK I pick up on the
slightest hint of a guy's tepid response to me, and I lock up inside.
It's been causing a degree of awkwardness. I expected it would, so very
early on I explained to him that I have stuff to sort out and that it
might get turbulent, but that it wasn't his fault so just to please bear
with me while I deal with it. He was kind and tolerant, even when I lost
my temper at him for what turned out to not be on his account at all: I
was projecting some nasty leftovers onto him. He took it like a
gentleman and made sure I was okay. However, he also said that when I'm
going through this, he wants space.
Over the previous week, he was more than usually preoccupied on an
out-of-town job. His birthday fell in that week so I paged him just to
wish him a good one. No answer, not even by email. This was upsetting.
All the stress and fear welled up and I couldn't get emotional distance
from what I was starting to believe was wrong. I thought he was angry at
me for trying to reach him, and thinking I'm a drag and a nuisance. I
spent the entire week being gut-wrenched and terrified that I had messed
up and lost any chance of dating him (he knows I like him as more than a
friend, and he expressed a preference for taking things
v-e-r-y--s-l-o-w-l-y)!
Anyway, I never TOLD him I was feeling so scared. I just pretended it's
all good, no worries, and continued to be how I wanted him to think of
me. Yesterday I managed to finally connect with him online and at first
he was polite but abrupt. More fear! I kept feverishly checking the list
of who has me on THEIR contact list, being afraid he'd deleted me to
keep me from messaging him any more.
(for many, many years I had been embroiled in obsessive fixations on any
guy who paid the slightest bit of attention to me, so I had lots of hard
work to do! Rotten way to feel... )
Well, surprise of all surprises, a few hours later I tried messaging him
again, asking if he was still busy. He was in a better mood and, to my
shock, told me he hadn't meant to be rude to me earlier. !!!???! Wow.
I couldn't believe it. However, I just said "that's okay, I get
persistent and sometimes I think it's too much. no worries" ... then I
took one more risk and asked if he wanted to take a bicycle trail ride
with me, and he said 'of course'. So I did then what I think is wisest;
I casually told him we'll do that soon when it's a nice day .. and left
it
at that. The quaking didn't stop for a while tho'.
I can hardly get my mind around this guy! I'm beginning to think I've
finally met someone who can be trusted to be good to me, and who won't
freak out when I'm good to him.
How then can I avoid another such tense week as I've just experienced?
I'm concerned I may not be able to always mask it with an easygoing
attitude. He doesn't know how much I was sweating!!!
Thanks in advance, Rob, for your insights .. it's been a real trip
stepping out of that rut and into the vicinity of someone who actually
seems to WANT me. ME! It's not that I don't think I'm a nice lady. I do.
But I have trouble believing it comes across through the nervousness,
and that a man will appreciate my openness. Apparently this one does. My
mom tells me that my dad was that way too: when he's busy, he's busy.
Period. He isn't mad at us or harbouring irritation, he's oblivious to
it. But once he's got a mind to see us, we're the focus.
If I could just remember that ......
K
Hi K,
I do have some advice for you, it may not be what you want to hear, but
it's going to help, honest:
1. You need to be upfront about your feelings with this guy and stop
lying to yourself. You are dating - this is not a friendship thing.
Dating doesn't mean "exclusive" which is the tag you seem to have added
to the circumstance of "dating". The past is the past, despite the
baggage you're carrying about your past relationships.
2. You do want to be exclusive but you don't know if you can trust him.
Where does this mistrust come from? From within you and your previous
experiences. You sound like someone that suffered a sexual assault some
time ago. The fear, the distractions and the neediness. I won't tell you
to "get over it". I want you to deal with it. So, start a journal, a
daily diary of your feelings and the events of the day. This is
important for you and your mental health! Then, start seeing a
counselor. You need to talk with someone that can help you control the
panic that is evident in your loneliness and that someone has to be a
professional that can help, not a family member or friend.
3. As far as the guy being busy - some guys get that way. I know that
when I'm working (and I work at home) I don't want to be disturbed and
everyone eventually learned that it's best to let me work. There is a
time for work and a time for play. Some guys like their life divided
that way. It lessens the stress levels when the day can be so easily
divided and it's that much more important the more demanding the job is.
So, you need to work on yourself, you need to decide where you want this
relationship to go (exclusivity) and discuss this with your guy. You
need to stop looking for constant re-assurance and find how to deal with
the need (counseling).
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Dear Rob,
I am in love and the guy I am in love with says he loves me too. He says
when I am sad and crying, he cries too. He says he was thinking about
killing himself, but once he knew he loved me, he said he stopped.
Today, he was really grumpy and mean, and it seemed like he didn't care
about me or what I said or did!
Does he really love me, or is he just saying that? Please Email me back!
Sincerely,
Confused Abbs
Dear Confused Abbs,
He's lying to you to get something from you.
I'd break off with him and avoid him until he matures.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Hi Rob,
I've always had guy problems and never thought I would find "Mr. Right"
until last night. I had the best date that I have ever had in my life
with this absolutely wonderful, gorgeous, down to earth, funny, and
sweet guy. He is everything I want and more. How I got to be so lucky is
a mystery to me. My problem is, every time I "fall" for a guy it never
works out. Actually, none of my relationships ever worked out but I
don't think I have ever been so swept off my feet like this before. He
tells me how beautiful I am and he wanted to meet my parents and my kids
(which I was a little hesitate at first because I didn't and still don't
know if he is going to stick around). The way he talks about "us" makes
me feel like we have something special going on but I am so scared that
it's "too good to be true". Things did move a little too fast and I am
hoping that it didn't ruin what could be. I know what I want in life
(although I am only 24, I am ready to settle down) and I need to know
how to hold on to it. I can't let this guy go. Any Advice???
A.
Hi A,
I'd be quite worried about this guy. Does he seem like a 'player'?
After all, the guy would have to be quite self-conscious, with little or
no self-esteem (or a stalker) to want to settle down with someone so
quickly.
There must be more to this story.
Slow down, don't involve your kids or parents with him until after date
6 or 8.
Don't let him start controlling your life. Beware if he calls you every
day, several times a day, wants to plan out everything for you.
Warning bells should be going off that he may be a control freak, or
worse.
Try to get some of his history, previous and current jobs, previous and
current friends.
Arrange for some group dates, some group activities so you can get your
friends opinion of him.
Don't plan on moving too fast, it's your future and you don't want to be
planning it on the run like this.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Hello. I'm
thirteen years old. ( I know that's young but please keep reading).
Well see,
almost a year ago, I went to a school dance. When I went, there was this
guy that I liked. (only a little bit though ) I slow danced with him
twice, and things were going great. After the second slow dance, I
turned around and my friend said that he wants to ask me out. I got
scared and ran into the bathroom. all my fiends were telling me that I
should say yes, but I said I would think about it. He came walking
toward me, and I ran away into my dad's car.
As the
weekend passed, Monday came. my friend told him that I just wanted to be
friends with him. She said that when she told him, it looked like he was
about to cry. The reason why I said I wanted to be friends was because
he was going into high school, and I was staying in middle school. I
feel really bad, and need some advice. In almost four months I will be
going into high school and I will see him but I want to no whether I
should just move on, or wait until high school, and get to know him
more. please help me.
Hi,
I'd not worry so much about one guy.
Make as many friends as you can and stay single.
Single people have more fun in school because they don't have to worry
about their boyfriend cheating on them. Or trying to keep their
boyfriend from liking other girls.
You should also try to find friends that are the same age as yourself
and not get caught up in 'popularity contests' between others.
Keep true to yourself and you'll have all the friends, and later
boyfriends, that you'll ever need. Beware the 'fly-by-night- friends
that only want you around because of what you can give them, they'll
only stab you in the back later.
True friendship, like love, has no demands on you. Always remember that.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Hey Rob,
I am having a little trouble here, and I desperately need advice alright
here it goes. I am in love with my best friends boyfriend, me and him
have dated before and I can't control this jealousy I want him back so
badly but I don't know if i should go there. He likes me and I like him,
but is booting my best friend outta the picture and putting me into her
place in my attempt to light an old flame a good idea, if so how do i do
it?
~Desperatley in love~
Hi,
You've been kicked to the curb once and now you want to give him the
chance to do it again?
Don't go there.
Don't be jealous, be unforgiving.
And find someone else to date, if you have to date.
Maybe you should be single for a while.....
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Dear Rob,
I'm friends with this girl and we get along quite well. The trouble is
that she's dating another guy. When we get together, nothing sexual, all
she does is complain about her boyfriend. I tell her to dump him, but
she doesn't listen. It's the same complaining about him every time we
get together. And I really like her. What can I say to her to get her to
dump her boyfriend and go out with me?
Thanks, BM
Dear BM,
It's too late for you dude. She's turned you into a girlfriend, someone
she can confide in, talk with, have 'bitch and moan' sessions with about
the current state of affairs of her life. Just like she would to any
girlfriend.
You need to break it off with her and fast. The sooner the better. She's
never going to break up with her current boyfriend, and even if she did,
she wouldn't go out with you. Not that now you're a girlfriend to her
and all that. You'll only remind her of him.
You have to tell her "Go get couples counseling, stop telling me all
this, I can't help" and no matter what she says, plan other things to do
when you'd normally hang out together.
She may try to guilt you into staying her girlfriend, but really, you're
a guy, you don't want to get in the middle of her relationship while she
keeps you from pursuing any new relationships of your own.
So now, if you keep seeing her, being 'there for her' you have no one
else to blame but yourself.
Good luck,
Rob.
*****
Hi Rob!
I would love some advice please.
I have known Woody since we were 13. We went to school together, went to
different universities and since returning to our home town we have
again become friends. In the past few months though I have realised that
I might want more than friendship. Normally I can tell if a man is
interested in me but his actions have me totally confused. He came to my
birthday party in January and spent most of the night by my side. At the
end of the night after everyone had passed out and found a place to
sleep we went to my bed and SLEPT together. No sex. No touching. But in
the morning we were mucking around and started play punching each other
and playing knuckles! I don't know why. I thought it was odd for a guy
to lie beside me all night and not make a move. A month or so later we
were out on the town with a group and by the end of the night he was
walking me to a taxi then asked if I wanted to come to his place for a
drink. I went and he poured his heart out to me about his pressures at
work and family relationships etc. He told me some very personal stuff.
The we again shared a bed though this time we lay in each other's arms
all night. That's all. In the morning he was strange and would not walk
me to my car. He later apologised for rambling on about his problems all
night. I told him i was happy to listen anytime. Since then whenever we
see each other out we are always friendly and he stays by me most of the
night. Once again the other night we started mucking around and playing
knuckles. My hand was quite sore the next day! I realise how ridiculous
this sounds. We are both 26 for goodness sake! How embarrassing! I never
really see him chat up other girls. I know he respects me and I know i
respect him. Maybe we are just meant to be friends but I can't stop
thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. I am such a chicken
and am unable to tell him how I feel. I don't want to embarrass myself
by making a move only to be rejected. If I knew he was keen I would
though. We share a lot of mutual friends and people like to talk... Do
you think he likes me as more than a friend? Why hasn't he made a move
on me? I know you will tell me to tell him how I feel but I am seriously
too scared to. What is your opinion and how can I tell if he is
interested in being more than friends? Please help. Thank you, Nat.
Hi Nat,
I bet this guy has a haphazard relationship with all the females in his
family.
He was the 'good kid' that treated everyone with respect but didn't form
relationships well as a youth.
Now, he's got you to be the 'nurturing type'. And you're feeding this
dependency by how you're treating him.
He won't make the first move, ever. He doesn't know how. Unless in
anger, which I bet he's slow to boil too.
While this might feel good to you, you get to teach him how to be, he'll
end up using you because of his dependency and weakness in
relationships.
You need to wait until he matures a lot more before going into a
romantic relationship with this guy, unless you want to 'mother' him for
the rest of your life.
Give him room to grow, keep as friends but back way off of any romantic
feelings or you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Dear
Rob,
I met a
woman in a bar on Christmas Eve, who I've liked for so long, but who I
always figured was out of my league. She is beautiful and has a great
personality but I was encouraged by a girl friend I was with to go and
talk to her. She was with a guy but I waited until she went to the bar.
I came up behind her and said hi and suggested she ought to ring me and
maybe we could go for a drink. She said there was only one problem, that
she didn't have my number. I had already written it down, just in case,
so I slid the number into the back pocket of her jeans asking her to
give me a call when she was free and we'd go out.
I went back to my friends, but really wanted to be with this woman. I
saw her leave the bar, but the guy went one way and she went the other.
I followed, called her name, she waited and I walked along with her
talking about old times, friends we have in common. We'd kind of grown
up together, knowing each other, but not really acquainted. She said how
gallant I was to walk her home and gave me a long kiss when we got to
her house. She said she had to go and (I guess this is where I turned
into a dope) I said I'd really like to see her again and to make sure
she rings me.
My only excuse is that I didn't want to be too pushy and scare her off,
but I think maybe I was too laid back.
Needless to say she didn't ring.
Last week I met up accidentally in a bar one afternoon. She was with
friends, so I just said hi on the way to the bar. She seemed pleased to
see me and we chatted. She told me she goes to a bar with friends after
work on Fridays and I said maybe I'd see her there. We talked briefly
and then I said as she was with friends I guess I should go.
I kicked myself afterwards, because I realised I still hadn't got her
number. I had a couple of drinks, thinking she would come to the bar and
I could ask her then, but she didn't. I didn't want to go and ask, right
out in front of her friends, so I waited until she was alone.
When I went up to her though, I just said Hi, I've been waiting for you.
It sounds so dumb, I know. She just said "What, all your life?" What a
great come back, I thought. I just said "Yeah, probably". I asked for
her number which she made me read off her mobile because she didn't have
her glasses. I said she just wanted to make me wear mine, got her number
and asked what house number she lived at. She told me and this time she
said we should meet for a drink.
Now this is where it has stalled. I rang her mobile, but it was switched
to messages. I didn't leave a message, because I wanted to be able to
speak to her. A couple of hours later I rang and the same thing. This
time, I didn't want her to think I wasn't interested or hadn't rung, so
I left a message saying I'd like us to meet for a drink, left her my
home phone number and said I was looking forward to seeing her. NOTHING!
No response, no call, no message.
My brother says she knows I'm interested, that there are maybe a
thousand reasons why she didn't get back to me and none of them will be
what I'm thinking. She obviously likes me and I should just wait.
My daughter says I've asked her and that I have to leave it until I bump
into her sometime. Anything else would be like stalking and scare her.
I want to send her a text asking her for coffee because she's off while
school is closed (she's a teacher, not one of the kids!). I'd like to
just go round to her house to see her and I was tempted to go to the bar
after work on Friday (where she will be).
Who is right?
John.
Hi John,
Actually all of you are right, but I prefer your daughter's answer that
you may scare her off.
Your brother doesn't get out much, don't wait too long.
You're too nervous and panicky... she's just a girl after all.
You're putting this lady on a pedestal and have to stop that
immediately.
Regardless of her beauty, she's just a sack of skin and bones, 90%
some-odd percent water. Like you.
When the last time you contacted here exceeds 5 days, call her and make
plans for a week in advance. Nothing big, you want that coffee finally.
Most importantly, stop drinking around her!
You see her, order a cola and leave your drink at the bar.
Do Not go to her house.... my good man, put yourself into her shoes.
And read more of the dating articles on my site and others:
Here's a few good places for more:
http://www.successfullydating.com
http://www.datingdummies.com/index.htm
Best wishes,
*****
Hey Rob,
I need
advice ASAP!!
A few years ago I was friends with this guy (#1) who I was always sort
of into. Then we started dating which was even better. We got a long
great, he was so nice and such a gentleman. Then things just went on a
hiatus we'll say with no real closure. I often hoped we could start
things up again.
Then a
year or so passed and he got in contact with me by email. It was great
to hear from him again because I always wondered about him. So anyways
we emailed each other back and forth all the time. then he told me that
he messed up an excellent opportunity with us and wanted me back. I was
floored because I always wanted to start things up with him again
because he is such a great guy and I loved being with him.
But I
just started dating another guy (#2) but I told him if this chance came
to me again I'd love to. So after a while we lost contact again.
Meanwhile me and guy #2 turned out to be an amazing guy and we fell in
love. After 7 months or so we moved in together, which is kind of hard,
but the important thing was that we loved each other.
One night
we had a fight, that night when I went to bed I had a dream about guy
#1. Even though I was with guy #2 I still thought and always wondered
about #1. So the next day I got back in contact with him again since I
haven't heard from him in a while. It was great to hear from him and he
said the same. We decided to get together and catch up, I wasn't too
sure on how things would play out since my feelings were never really
resolved for him. We got together and it was great. We talked so much
and it was easy to tell that our feelings for each other were still
there. He even told me he never put away his feelings for me. then later
that night we kissed. a few days after, my boyfriend (#2) found out and
was really hurt.
I didn't
mean to hurt him, I didn't tell him because I wanted to figure out my
feelings before I did anything. he was hurt but we didn't break up, but
he had trust issues with me after that for a while. I'm really confused
because I love my boyfriend, but I find myself wanting to be with guy
#1. I've been hanging out with guy #1 recently and he really wants to be
with me and commit. I would love to see what we can have together but I
don't want to risk losing my boyfriend (guy #2) because we do have
something special, but I also feel me and guy #2 can have something
special too. I feel like if I pass up this chance with guy #1 I'll
always keep on wondering what could have been with us (like I have
before) I really would like some advice on what I should do, because at
this point I'm clueless and I know I need to do something ASAP so I
don't string along both of them please help....
Confused out of my mind
Hi Confused,
"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".
Guy #1 is a passed love, leave him in the past. Tell him things were
great, but you need to move on and love who you are and who's really
important in your life right now (guy #2). You've matured now, you know
more what you want out of life. Guy #1 brings you back to a different
time, but I don't think it'll be a better time. I even have a suspicion
he's using you until he can find someone better, otherwise why all the
gaps? He does know how to dial a phone, send an email, right?
Stick with guy #2, if he'll forgive you.
Really, you've cheated on him once, if he was asking for advice I'd tell
him to drop you big time. You need to really patch things up with guy
#2.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*****
Dear Rob,
I am a college student in Arkansas. There is a guy at school that I am
really attracted to. I recently asked him on a date and he agreed. We
went out with a couple that are mutual friends to us. We had a great
time, and well we drank quite a bit and while drunk he revealed to me
how much he likes me as well as acting on it. Now he doesn't say much to
me or act interested. Still I asked to see him again on the phone and he
agreed but hasn't said anything to me about it or acted interested. If
he keeps agreeing to see me, why doesn't he act like he likes me? Is
there something I could say, or a better way to approach him to lighten
him up or be more "friendly" with me?
Hi,
You've been used. He now isn't interested.
Don't bother trying to get back with him, you'll only end up giving more
of yourself without anything in return.
Move on and find a nicer guy.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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