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Ask Rob! The
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When your relationship
is based on sex and then you put the brakes on, often the guy will
leave you. Better to put the brakes on early and get to know where
your relationship is going, then to have sex early in the
relationship and give the guy what he wants before you're ready.
Dear
Rob,
Me and this guy that I met at work started dating. We've known each
other for a month, but have been dating for a week. We've gone on
two dates. And we're kind of taking things way faster then I want
to.
There's no sex involved and I don't plan for there to be.
(intercourse or oral). But we do "mess around", which I prefer that
we get to know each other better, and he has said that he is willing
to wait for me, when I'm ready to have sex.
However, a friend of his, who also works with us, and has known him
since he was a toddler, cause he was best friends with her brother,
was talking about how he was trying to get in bed with her (before
we dated) and how typical guy, always trying to have sex.
See
when we got together, he told me he wanted us to be completely open
with how we feel about each other and told me that he liked me a
lot, etc. He opens the doors for me, he calls me to say good
morning, and that kind of sweet stuff, however, when we're at my
apartment, he wants to mess around and we do, but I don't let it go
farther then that. And I told him I feel we are moving too fast, and
he says its not too fast. I don't really do much to him, he's
usually doing stuff to me. I want to know, that if I tell him, that
we should stop doing anything more then kisses, and just get to know
each other better, and plan activities, like museum visits, that
kind of thing.
I
never should have let him do more then kiss me, I realize that, but
can you start over like that, and he'll respect me, and like me
more? Is that possible? Can I get him to like me by resisting him
and doing stuff where we'll get to know each other as individuals?
Or is it too late?
If
not, what kind of stuff can we do that will get him to respect me
for me, and not turn to his player side, because I know that a guy
does not respect a girl who gives away sex easily, and we haven't
done that orally or intercourse. I know guys respect and like you
more if you hold out and aren't "easy". But is it too late for me
because we "messed around" and if not, how can I get him to not
wanna stray on me.
Thanks
Jen
ps. He hasn't yet.. but I want to make sure of it for the future.
Hi Jen,
This guy is trying to play you like a deck of cards... the more he
deals (arouses you sexually) the better the odds that he'll get a
winning had (have sex with you).
Stop it now! Right now!
He's using you to get what he wants and figures that sooner, rather
than later, he'll wear you down. Then when the deed is done he'll
drop you as another trophy he's won. The guy sounds like a player to
me.
Guys that respect girls don't expect them to "hold out" and make
having sex a challenge, they expect the girls they date to not be
easy, to wait for the relationship to actually lead somewhere before
having sex. I read somewhere that a girl should wait at least 3
months before going to bed with a guy. I don't agree with that at
all. A girl should wait until a real commitment has been made by the
guy and much longer than 3 months. Not him just saying "I love you".
Sorry, three little words don't make all that much difference unless
they are sincere, thought out and leading to a bigger commitment
than just going to bed. And I don't mean him saying that sex will
lead to "exclusivity". If you're not the only girl he's dating now,
dump him fast! Because what he's not getting from you he's trying to
get elsewhere. A real user, a real player.
I'm not old-fashioned, I'm honest. Guys want to get laid and more
often than not they'll do whatever it takes to get there. Girls want
a more honest commitment so they don't feel cheap, used and slutty.
And they will accept a lie from the guy so they don't feel used and
slutty, at first. Then all emotional hell breaks out.
This guy isn't being honest with you, he's trying to use you.
Put the brakes on the sexual activity. He'll try and try. Then he'll
leave. And he won't call. And you'll hurt. But trust me, you'll be
much better off.
I think that for your next date you should wear a belt on your pants
and a pad under your underwear. And a sports bra with no wiggle
room.
Lock
him out and tell him no. Make the future of your relationship depend
on his actions after you tell him that you need to slow down.
You asked me these questions and here are my answers:
Can you start over sexually?
- Yes, provided you're open, honest and protected from his
encouragement. He'll try to advance but if he really respects you
he'll agree to backing off. If he doesn't, well, that tells all
doesn't it? His respect will be told from the next call after your
date ends.
Will he respect you by starting to resist his sexual acts?
- Not at first. He'll doubt your sincerity and try to get you to "do
it anyways". That will show you that he's just using you, not
respecting you. Of course, he may feel more than just sexual towards
you, then he will respect your choice and let you set the sexual
timetable. If this happens, go slow... very slowly because you won't
be bale to set the clock back twice.
Will he want to do other things, other dates together, that don't
lead to sex?
- I hope so. Otherwise the first two answers above have answered.
How to keep a guy from his "player side"?
- If you suspect he's a player, ask him about his past. Old
girlfriends, why they broke up, that sort of thing. His answers and
honesty will tell all. But if he's playing you you'll never get to
this question and get a straight answer. Ever.
I really hope that this is a guy caught up in the sexuality of the
times and peer pressure that he truly doesn't believe in. Many
people and not just guys, do things because they think they should,
not because it feels right, is right, or is needed. You have the
chance to correct his thoughts and actions, about sex, about you and
about your relationship. I hope you have the strength to follow
through with my suggestions; that your boyfriend has the courage to
not be lead by his sexual desires; and that you both can have a
truly fulfilling relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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