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Ask Rob! The
Advice General
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Dear Reader,
Everyone goes through
relationships that end. And, when you're in a relationship that
isn't going anywhere and you know you need to break it off, how do
you do it?
How can you spare the
other person's feelings, don't freak them out too much, break off
the relationship and still feel good about yourself?
It's tough. Likely you
will feel just as bad as the person you're dumping.
But sometimes when you
know it's time to do the dirty deed you need some help. Here is one such email I
answered:
Dear Rob,
I am graduating from college this year, and I am planning on
making a cross-country move. My boyfriend (of two years) does not
want to move anywhere for at least a few years. I don't want
anything to do with a long distance relationship (i've done it
before - it's not a good fit for me. i would rather be single than
have a boyfriend who is not actually with me). In addition, when I
think about the future, I know that our opinions vary greatly on
certain topics (marriage, children, religion) that are of importance
to me. I know for sure that I have to end the relationship to be
fair to both myself and to him.
My problem is that I
have been with him for so long and had so many great
experiences...and we haven't had many bad ones. There isn't a huge
"bad" thing that makes me want to break up with him. I love him, and
I am happy with him now, and I don't want to hurt him. I know that
hurting him is inevitable in this situation, but I still have to do
what I know will be the right thing. I will certainly be honest with
him when I tell him why I think this is the best idea. But is there
a way to tell him that is less hurtful than other ways? Is there a
way that is more hurtful? I want to make it as nice as possible, as
my feelings for him remain - just not the potential for a future.
Thanks
Hi,
As the song goes "Breakin' up is hard to do"...
There is no good way to break up. Feelings will get hurt. Your hope
lies in the fact that he's mature enough to understand that you are
growing, and going, in different directions.
My suggestion to you is to be upfront about your goals for your
future and why he's not going to be a part of your life.
And be honest with yourself, if you don't have a future together,
you really don't have an honest relationship.
Make the break clean.
Tell him, if he pressures you to keep in contact, that you'll get in
touch with him after you've moved and settled in. And don't stay in
touch with him before you do move. Don't give him the hope of
contact that he may be able to change your mind and get back with
you.
Who knows what the future holds? It's enough of a crapshoot to get
through tomorrow.
But break it off now, don't drag him through the next few weeks
wondering about the state of your relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob.
The Rules For
Breaking Up
-
Everything
you've done together has a special place, just not a future.
Be sure to keep the past the past and the future to
yourself.
-
Keep the breakup
conversation fast. Don't beat around the bush. It's usually
a fact that the other person knows it's coming, so just do
it.
-
Break up in a
public place. If you're concerned about how the other person
might react, have some friends standing by ready to
interrupt anything hostile.
-
Stick to your
guns. Don't give in to promises, any promises, the other
person may make and change your mind about breaking up.
-
Once you've
ended it, keep it ended. Any future conversations or
contacts should be kept to a minimum. Be polite, but end the
conversation/contact politely and quickly. Don't promise to
call them later, you won't anyways.
-
Now that you're
single, stay single for a while to enjoy your life again.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2010 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
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