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There is a time when all birds must leave the nest. If your boyfriend still lives with his mother, you have some serious issues to deal with, even if you think you can live with the situation as it is.
Dear Rob,
I've been dating a man who still lives with his mom at 41 years of age.
He is brilliant, well-educated, has a job, but is seriously underemployed at his current workplace.
He also suffers from depression and sometimes feels overwhelmed by normal adult responsibilities like finding his own apartment to live in or buying a car. (He gets counseling and medication for the depression).
I've been asking, no, begging him to move into his own place. I will not live with him until I see that he can make it on his own.
Logically, I know that this is not the best relationship situation, but I do love the guy with all my heart. I feel like I will never meet anyone else with the same qualities. We've been together almost four years, but virtually nothing has changed. I asked him, "Do I have to give you an ultimatum? Do I have to say, 'Move into your own place or it's over!'"
I take his lack of motivation personally.
He says he doesn't like living with his mother and feels oppressed. I feel like he doesn't take into consideration my feelings about him living w/ his mom. He tells me that it has nothing to do with his love for me and that it's his own fears that keep him from moving out.
Do I break things off? How would I handle it if his depression worsened? I really do not want to hurt him.
I am anxious to hear your response.
Thanks,
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
I think you've hooked your carriage to the wrong horse.
This guy, despite you saying so, shows NO need to be on his own,
when he has mommy to take care of him, when he has a girlfriend that
puts up with his moodiness and neediness.
Why pay for the cow when you get the milk for free?
His own fears stop him?
From what, a better job? (I bet he was a 'professional student'
until late 20's or early 30's and was totally unprepared for life in
the real world!)
From living on his own? Paying bills?
You should take his lack of motivation personally. He doesn't care about what is good for "us", only how his own selfish needs can be met with little or no involvement from himself.
He feels oppressed?
Maybe due to his own selfishness that requires him to look out only
for himself, with a snail's pace of motivation and self-respect.
If he's on meds for his depression, then they aren't working.
He needs to see a specialist to straighten his life out before momma
dies and he's truly alone and afraid of the world.
I can see him becoming a latter-day Howard Hughes.
Isolated, frightened, and alone.
You don't need to offer him an ultimatum, you know how that will turn out already... vague promises, excuses and attempts to push blame of this onto you instead of where it belongs, on himself.
The first thing I suggest you do is.... give him some time alone. 2
to 3 weeks should do it.
No contact. He calls you up, you're too busy, too ill, whatever and
get off the phone. No replies to emails. Nothing.
Avoid him.
If this change of your open availability doesn’t help him to realize
that he does need you more than mommy, then no amount of pleading,
coercion and ultimatums will make any difference.
And if by some weird planetary alignment he does say "Yes, we will get our own place together" make sure you have an agreement, in writing, about the bills, who pays for what, how the lease will be paid, etc.
Because, as sure as I am writing this, I believe that if
you end up together you'll be emailing me in 10 months or so
complaining that either he's moved back home to mommy and you're
stuck with a boatload of bills, or that now he's hiding even more
feelings from you, and marriage (although in the back of your mind)
is going to be impossible for him to accept.
Best wishes,
Rob
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
- Christian Carter's Catch Him and Keep Him
- Rori Raye's Have The Relationship You Want
- Carol Allen's Love is in The Stars
For Men
- David Deangelo's Double Your Dating
- David Wygant Men's Mastery Coaching
- Jesse Charger's Seduction Sciences
- Alex Allman's Revolutionary Sex Tips For Men
- The Dating Wizard's Relationship Mastery Program
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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