How To Handle The Controlling Step-Father by Ask Rob! The Advice General Weekly Advice Articles at aLoveLinksPlus.com

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Being the child of a controlling person is hard. It's harder still when the controller isn't even your real family, just a permanent fixture of your mother's. This is an abusive situation waiting to explode. Take a break and put him in his place, but don't start an argument. Calmness and realistic behavior will win out. It's still your life to live.

Dear Rob,
I have read submissions about being in controlling relationships. I am in a little different situation. I know he is controlling but I wanted advice of how I can get out of it.

My mother's boyfriend is the one who is controlling my life. I am 19 years old and he has been in my life since I was 9. Shortly after they started dating, he took over father role and got very involved in school which is understandable.

It started to get to the point where my mother would not make a decision but he would, and even if she did he would overrule her. He is catholic and had a hard childhood and because of that he views women as insignificant to him, money hungry, incompetent, and without a man nothing will get done unless he makes sure it does.

His moods were and still are unpredictable.

They have been together for 10 years and are not married and my mother does not have a say. It slowly became where she acted like the step mother and he became the father. But anyways staying on track... I went into high school and I took a child care class which basically taught how to teach young children and he constantly told me that that class was making me into a house wife and I would never amount to anything.

He also told me I'd better find a guy that loved me for my looks because I do not have any brains and things of that sort. And I was joking one day that I wasn't going to take my future children around him and he replied "Because you want them to be as ignorant as you are so you can seem smart to them."

He constantly told me I was stupid. I graduated from high school with honors and he told me "who did you cheat off of to do that?"

I am currently finishing my sophomore year in college and still he treats me like in a child. Because of his verbal abuse, I have problems with self-esteem and it has affected me seriously.

My whole family sees how he is but my mother turns her head. I try to show them him trying to be more responsible by paying for gas, clothes, food, my vehicle, and help take care of my own pet financially, but no use.

I am engaged and I am over with my fiancé everyday but come home to sleep and still my grades are excellent and I work. I recently asked my stepfather if I could stay a couple of nights at my fiancé's house every week and he totally shut me down. He told me my reasons were not good enough and made all types of excuses, I thought it would be okay since I'm engaged and been dating him for 1yr and 7 months.

My mother will not say anything because she is dependent on him financially. Also, when I go off to college I will be living with my fiancé. I have tried everything, I do not know what else to do. I do not get into trouble, don't do drugs, don't have a record, I am respectful, I don't sneak out and never have, never got suspended from school, I never missed a day of school, I get up and go to college and make sure all of my things are done, I work, I do everything right and I still get viewed as a child.

Trying to get any freedom is an uphill battle. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. And he will ask questions that I do not know the answers to just to make me look stupid. I've tried talking to my mother separately and tried talking to her boyfriend but it doesn't work. All I asked for is a little more freedom. Sorry for my life story but I tried to get everything in a nut shell. Please help I don't know what else to do.

Hi,
I really feel sorry for you. This man, your step-father, has done everything he can to make sure you live your life his way.

Since you are soon to be moving out, I suggest a harder skin and some ready responses to steel yourself and get some self-esteem and self-respect back.

When he gives you one of his idiotic and harassing remarks, look him straight into his eye and ask “Why would you say something like that?”
You don’t want to start any arguments.
You can’t win against this man. Your mother should have put him in his place a long time ago, but abused women often feel they are doing what is best for the child and keeping a safe home, even if the small, snide, embarrassing remarks occur, to whoever they are aimed at.

I can only hope that once you have moved out for good he will not turn against your mom and increase his attacks on her.

You need to take her out for lunch a few times and approach the subject, one-on-one. Don't give up on helping your mom with this abusive guy.

And if this man is as Catholic as he professes, talk to his priest. He is not behaving much more than a Sunday morning pew-warmer to me.

There are books you can get, maybe as a gift to him or to read yourself.
I suggest starting your search here:
http://www.christopherwest.com/
and here:
http://www.catholicity.com/
Both are excellent resources for Catholics of every strength.

After you have tried these methods of communication, and things aren’t any better, it’s time to move on to direct talks.
Take him out for a lunch. Speak your mind.
Include your mother, your fiancé and even your priest if you like, to make the setting easier to handle.

You are an adult that is accomplishing much, maybe even more that your step-father did.
It’s time he treated you more adult-like, more as an equal than a pet to me manipulated.

You will soon have your whole, unhindered, life ahead of you, you can do this.

Keep in touch!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help" books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:

For Women

For Men

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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