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Hello Rob!
I really need an advice because I feel really confused!
I'm 20 years old, girl and I have never been in a relationship. I
have never had an affair!! I enjoy chatting online but without
searching something. I'm not interested in finding a boyfriend. Just
chatting and flirting!!
Well, it's about two months now I chat with a particular guy who
really enjoys our conversations as much as I do. He has told me,
he's married with two children but I don't know why I didn't stop
talking with him. He has asked me to go out but I tried to find
reasons to refuse but now I'm not sure. I think I want to meet him!
Now we are communicating everyday by sms. He gave to me his number
and we started to communicate in a different way. Every single of
his words make me really happy and when he cannot send me I feel
depressed and I miss him. We have showed each other our photos. I
don't really know what he thinks about me or about all this. Would
it be better to stop everything now before our meeting? I'm afraid
that I can fall in love with him after meeting him and know each
other better but he's married. I don't think he wants to cheat on
his wife but all that is a secret and his wife doesn't know
anything. He had told me once that he keeps things only for him. I
don't know if he ask something anyway or it's for fun. But could it
be for fun and send me sms every day? We are talking for hours!
I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!
Thank you in advance,
E
Hi E,
Don't meet this guy.
Don't play his game!
He's married, you're lonely.
He's older and experienced, you're needing company.
You're the prime type to be used in this type of relationship so
it's wise for you to end it before it goes too far, so end it now.
Delete his SMS messages before reading them, block his number from
calling you. Delete his email address and don't communicate, in any
way, anymore with this guy.
Break it off now.
Don't even bother trying to 'remain friends' even though this is
what he'll suggest.
If he's bored with his life, let him ruin someone else's as he
figures himself out. He's already on the road to destroying his
marriage and the life his kids now have.
People have all kinds of reasons for seeking the company of others.
Married people sometimes have a hole in their life that they'll
often try to fill through others instead of the people that should
matter most in their lives: their spouse and kids.
Don't be what fills this guy's life. He needs marriage help and
you're not it.
You need to get out and find some singles to hang out with, stop
wasting your time here.
I hope things work out for you.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear
Rob,
I
have a situation where I'm hoping you can give me some advice that I
can use.
I
have been going out with a guy for about four months now. It seems
as if everytime I talk to him I don't feel like I'm good enough for
him because he's always asking me to improve something about me,
like be more kinky, be more talkative, workout so you can get a nice
butt.
Should I be considering what he wants or should he be happy with
just me because he says he loves me but it seems like he always
wants for me to be someone else. It hurts a lot to know that I'm not
good enough for him and all I want is for me to feel that I am good
enough for him.
What
should I do, should i talk to him about this? I've been thinking
about breaking up with him many times for this too because sometimes
I just can't handle it. I don't know what to do so I'd appreciate
your help. Thanks very much.
Hi,
This guy is very clever. He's laying the groundwork that you aren't
good enough for him so he can cheat on you because you don't have
exactly what he's looking for. He's treating you like a sexual rag
doll. He's working on destroying your self-confidence and
self-esteem so that you become dependent on him and he can treat you
even worse.
Get out while you can.
Break up with him and don't go back to him no matter what he says.
He will try to keep you, promising to change.... try harder to be
nicer to you... it'll all be lies. Don't believe him.
He wants to control you, straight and simple.
Dump him, stay single for a while and get yourself together.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Hi Rob
I understand that you have a lot of emails to answer and this is
long but my situation is lets just say 'complex'.
I normally wouldn't ask a man for advice on this because most likely
from experience his answer would have to do with me being hit on and
him trying to get lucky but since you're miles away and its via
email the chances of that happening are zilch.
I've known my boyfriend for 4 years - we've been intimate for 3 of
them. As of February of this year I found out he was cheating on me
with his off and on ex of 3 years. He didn't tell her about me
either. I was very annoyed and hurt and he blamed it on the fact
that we were not seeing each other as much because of my having to
attend classes more often. I work at a tertiary institution at a
desk job and I am pursuing an accounting and IT qualification
part-time and I think this has him insecure. We went from seeing
each other almost everyday per week to about 2X per week - but this
was just when exams were closer. Throughout the relationship he kept
asking me if I was seeing or interested in anyone else. Of course I
wasn't and I explained to him that we live different lifestyles at
this point in time and it may be hard to understand but I was not
cheating on him. I did tell him that he was responsible for what
happened and that he had some deep insecurity issues to work out.
My boyfriend
My boyfriend is into transport. He didn't do too well in school and
was most interested in the 'in crowd' during his younger years. He
worked at the bank for 3 years and then decided to take over his
dads occupation in transport. Where I'm from his job can make good
as a self employed taxi driver and he may not be the academic but he
has very good ideas and potential. The occupation doesn't have much
prestige but I didn't really care. My mother wasn't too pleased with
me being with him because of his occupation and to an extent she
still isn't - I guess she's just gotten 'used' to it. I'm not one to
judge people either and I welcome company from anyone once its
sincere and we think alike. In the past year or so he has run into
financial difficulty. It mainly has to do with the bus and the fact
that he is the main breadwinner for his family - his parents and two
siblings who are grown adults. He has had this responsibility since
he was 24. Now he's always stressed or depressed sometimes. The
other day he said he felt so down he hadn't looked at himself in the
mirror because he was not proud of himself. I was physically
attracted after meeting him a few times but I liked his mind more.
The incidents
When I caught him his ex was in the living room watching tv with his
friends. I didn't really see her but he heard me open the gate and
then rushed outside and pulled me outside and said 'I have to tell
you something'. Well I was just blown over. He said that they had
become 'intimate' in my absence and that basically it was just sex
and it only happened once in a blue moon - not that I did believe
him. He said he wouldn't see her again (liar) and another night I
went up there and there she was sitting next to him and he had the
most guilty look in his face. He pulled both of us aside to talk to
us straight, took 5 minutes to say anything and I just left. She
left too but she went inside....from the street I could see the both
of them talking ..she didn't seem too pissed.
The ex
She is older than him - he is 28 and she is 32, I'm 26 and she was
his riff raff cousin's girlfriend at one time. He cheated on her
very badly - so he told me- and she left him after a very long time.
She works at a pharmacy as a counter clerk, is overweight and not
very much educated in anything - academics, trade or otherwise. She
also seems very petty. For the months that he was with her and she
knew nothing about me she left nothing behind at his apartment. I've
found it funny that shortly after she learnt of me she's been
playing 'games'. About 2 months ago she left a football with her
name on it at his apartment - in his bedroom. I didn't say anything
at this point because I wanted to show him that I didn't really care
however I found this amusing. Then about 2 weeks afterwards she left
a pair of blue slippers behind a sheet of mirror in his room. Don't
mean to sound shallow but lets just say that you wouldn't ever find
that in the $5 store - I definitely would not wear that. Not just
the quality but it was ugly - I mean there is nice footwear that you
can get for a good price - just check Payless Shoes at least. THAT
second item I brought to his attention. I expressed to him that
while I found this petty and pathetic it is a sign that she is
intimidated by me. I also said that we are dating, not living
together or married and she needs to just lighten up - though I'd
prefer that she'd just disappear. I also laughed and said I was
flattered. My fear was however that I also took it as passive
aggression and since I don't know her personality I'm not too sure
if she's violent or dangerous in any manner. He said how she left it
there and he only saw it after she left. He also said that he didn't
want anything to happen to me and he would not let it get to that
point. I told him that I don't want any of her things there left in
that manner. It was then I probed him and asked 'where does she
work.. what does she do'. I figured pretty much she worked minimum
wage because of her choice of slippers, her hair was always in a
mess and she just didn't look 'polished'. He said that she's into
pharmaceuticals but from then I knew she worked in a pharmacy. She
left two other items there - a can opener and a pen with the name of
two pharmaceuticals on them that I knew for a fact were distributed
by two different agents. Yes I did do some sleuthing. Even after
that I would refer to her 'pharmacy girl' a few times and he never
denied it. I've stopped doing that though - just thought doing it
too much made me look immature but I was getting my point across. He
then admitted that I had forgotten a pair of underwear there (lets
just say that my underwear is quite 'unique'). It was there so long
that even I forgot about it (but it was long before she came in the
picture) and he said he liked it and kept it. Well she found it and
she was most upset. He then broke it down to her that she knows how
the situation is. He didn't say that she had it. He said that he
would not let her things stay there and for weeks after I didn't
notice anything of hers there. On Sunday I was there and yes you
guessed it - she left another pair of cheap slippers.
I asked then if she kept my underwear and he said 'uh huh'. I asked
what did she do with it and he didn't answer. So feeling mischievous
I went there the night before to get down to the underwear thing
because for the whole day I was calling him and only getting his
voice messaging. I am just not comfortable with the idea either. I
knew she would be there and I was right. It was at night and I
called out to her at the door as it was open (didn't say her name)
and calmly asked her if he was home. She said that he wasn't. She
came to the door in a towel only (a most disgusting sight ugh and I
told him so afterwards) which I found rather repulsive and
classless. I said 'ok' and as she was continuing about her business
I called out to her again and asked her if she had my underwear. She
said 'oh so you were the person.. no I don't you'll have to take
that up with him' (what a weak pretense because he told me she had a
fit when she saw it and she knew who I was) and I said 'really? he
said that you had it'. Then she said 'no you'll have to take it up
with him'. I said 'ok I will but keep this in mind ..if I ask him
again and he doesn't have it I'll ensure that I take it up with
whoever has it and its not going to be pleasant.' She said 'ok' and
walked off'. I did this because she apparently didn't know me well
enough and thought that she could just disrespect me through him
because apparently he has a problem setting boundaries with her. My
issue is not so much her leaving her things. Its the intent. I
realised that she was passive aggressive. I also had to let her know
who she was up against.
Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive - sagging
breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5'5 150 lbs?) - I
take care of myself - she doesn't know how to dress, not pretty much
intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum -
speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She's over 30 and still
working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn't seem
to have a future. And if its about sex that's stupid because we do
everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went
through his mobile messages (don't worry he goes through mine too
but he didn't know I went through his) and she left a very terse
message 'answer your phone'. I've never treated him badly, given him
massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and
still do - I admit it. I've tried to build his confidence over the
years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How
could he even think that I was cheating?
If he's with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at night
or staying out too late, or about me moving to another apartment and
finding a man there when he visits (he's been stressing on that
frequently).
Why tell me you want me in your life, don't want to hurt me, don't
want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?
Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?
Why is he worrying that if I leave him I'll end up with some idiot
(as if he isn't) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?
Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women
care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with
these things?
Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience
and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).
Why sleep with your cousin's ex?
Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the
madonna - whore syndrome?
People ask why I don't leave. I don't leave because I'm just fed up
of men- the games and the trials. I don't know one man who isn't a
cheater... even an older man of 50 or so (who was pretending to be a
father figure type friend and who is married) who told me my bf ex
was older than him (without seeing her...he has experience) just
from what I told him about my boyfriend was trying to get between my
legs - he is not even the least bit attractive. I've been sexually
exploited most of my life by the male species and to me it makes no
sense leaving him now to end up with something worse or the same.
People say 'you attract what you put out'. I disagree. I have
shouted at men to stay away from me. I don't dress provocatively -
well most men say I have sex appeal and all his friends did find me
attractive. I never smile at a man - but I did smile at my
boyfriend...he made me laugh. These men come after me I don't go
after them. I state my case plain and upfront...many times I say
'I'm not interested in you and never will be' and they pretend to be
your friend hoping that it will be something else which gets me very
annoyed until one day I let them have it and then they call me a
bitch. You avoid them tell them to stay away and they still show up.
Only if I threaten to go to the police then I'm left alone. And if I
go to the police they hit on me too. I've only dated 3 men in this
life because I was just afraid of men. They were just jerks. Just
this morning some idiot was telling me in my ear over and over
'about how good I looked in a pair of pants..' from behind and when
I said 'do not talk to me' he got most upset. Like I'm supposed to
thank him for undressing me with his eyes and not keeping quiet
about it. Sheesh.
Even after I turn down these idiots I eventually find out that
they're married, engaged, in LTRs, sleep with prostitutes or were
just interested in sex only for points.
Now this. Right now this situation is a competition and I am not
going to lose to that woman. Yes I have an ego.
Please explain what is going on because I don't understand men or
the situation at all.
Thanks, A.
Hi A,
Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you: You've been played and
played well.
Have you heard the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?
Well, this guy that you're trying to hold to to so much is just
that. A cheater. He always will be, no matter what happens in his
life.
I'd hate to see you make this commitment to him, trying to get him
all to yourself when it just isn't possible. He won't change, no
matter what you do. No matter what he says to you.
Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive - sagging
breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5'5 150 lbs?) - I
take care of myself - she doesn't know how to dress, not pretty much
intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum -
speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She's over 30 and still
working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn't seem
to have a future. And if its about sex that's stupid because we do
everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went
through his mobile messages (don't worry he goes through mine too
but he didn't know I went through his) and she left a very terse
message 'answer your phone'. I've never treated him badly, given him
massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and
still do - I admit it. I've tried to build his confidence over the
years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How
could he even think that I was cheating?
He's playing you, straight and simple. He feels more comfortable
with her and that's why she's in his life.
If he's with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at
night or staying out too late, or about me moving to another
apartment and finding a man there when he visits (he's been
stressing on that frequently).
He's trying to own you, control you. That's his real goal here.
Force you to live your life according to his rules, but the same
rules don't apply to himself.
Why tell me you want me in your life, don't want to hurt me,
don't want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?
Again, it's his control over you that gives him satisfaction.
Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?
Because he was losing the control he had over you.
Why is he worrying that if I leave him I'll end up with some
idiot (as if he isn't) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?
To force you to think down to his level, scare you into believing
that he is the best for you, when he knows it isn't true.
Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women
care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with
these things?
Because that is how he sees life. You're his ticket out, but he
doesn't want to give up his own lifestyle of getting everything he
wants.
Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience
and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).
No, he will always stray, wander, fool around. His rules apply only
to him. He will accuse you of playing around only to avoid his own
infidelities.
Why sleep with your cousin's ex?
Availability. He'd sleep with anyone, any time, anywhere, as long as
he can get away with it. Even 'coming clean' to you re-inforces the
fact that he can cheat on you, apologize when found out, be
forgiven, and do it again and again.
Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the
madonna - whore syndrome?
He's not suffering, he has no conscience as far as his own actions
go.
There is no competition for this guy and the girl he's messing
around with. The rules don't apply to everyone equally, they are
stacked against you.
Move on, forget him.
Have a party and burn everything he ever gave you. Demand everything
you gave him, take him to court if need be.
Move on.
Live life.
Don't be too fast to get into another relationship, get single for a
while and sort out your life before you get so morally confused that
you lose touch with your own values and become the very person he's
trying to turn you into: a fast F--k whenever he wants, a "friend
with benefits" and nothing else.
I hope that this helps you to make the next, right step, in your
life.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2010 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
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