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If all your ex tries to control you through unexpected calls or other actions, give him a strict schedule to call and follow up with it. If you open the door for him all the time, he will always be in your life more than he should be.
Dear Rob,
My exhusband and I have been separated since December of 2006.
Our
divorce was finalized on July of this year. We have a 20 month old daughter together. Ever since we separated in December, he calls me to "say goodnight" to our daughter.
Although this is a nice idea in theory, it has turned out to be a real pain for me (hopefully I don't sound like a horrible person for saying this). My ex calls me every night- at inconsistent times- from anywhere between 5-10pm (we do live on different time zones, though). He calls us from his office... and puts us on speakerphone. He first asks me "what did you do today with (our daughter)?" and waits for me to debrief him on the day's events. If I say something that is questionable, i.e. is an unsatisfactory answer for him, he then will use the "Socratic method" on me to get his point across.
For example, last month I took my daughter for a routine doctor check-up. The doctor recommended that our daughter get developmental screening as she is 19 months and still does not walk. My ex asked me "well why do YOU think she is not walking?" It's strange- because I don't get the impression he really wants to know my thoughts.
I feel that he is basically trying to get me to confess that it is somehow my fault for our daughter not walking. Does that make any sense?
Okay, so back to my original point.
When my ex calls, it is often at an inconvenient time. I'm a busy single mom! I'm either grocery shopping, giving our daughter a bath, cleaning up around the house, etc. etc. etc.
If I somehow miss his call- it seems to irritate him.
When I call him back, he seems annoyed (he acts cold and distant).
Again, he asks for a debriefing of the day's events. He never mentions what he is "up" to. Even when I ask. His response is always "same old, same old."
But then again- we're divorced- it's none of my business, right?
Well, I just feel like there is a double standard. I understand that I have primary physical custody of our daughter, and so the only way he knows what is going on with her life is to go through me. But I often feel like he is intruding on my life as well.
Although I don't have much of a social life right now, I'm sure someday I will have things going on (and people) in my life. What will I tell my exhusband then?
It just doesn't seem fair that he knows every single detail of my life (because my life is so closely tied to my daughter's life). And in return, he has the freedom to live his life, travel, go out to dinner, and do whatever else he wants to- without having to report to me (obviously- that is why we
are divorced!)
So my question(s) to you, are:
1) Is it normal for me to feel this way? I don't mind my exhusband calling me to find out about our daughter... but everyday is a lot. It's hard for me to heal.
2) Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to not feel so annoyed? Can there be a happy medium? Or do I just need an attitude adjustment?
Thanks so much
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Your ex is trying to step back into your life through interfering with your normal life.
Tell him he can call at 6:00pm to speak to his daughter. No other time will the phone be answered.
Making a rule like this does not generally violate "reasonable access" because his access is disruptive and disturbing.
Be sure to start journaling every time you and your daughter have contact with him, and the calls he makes to harass you.
Stand up to him, once and for all. Visit your attorney if need be.
The thing with divorce and when children are involved is that there is this tie that keeps people together (the children) even after the divorce. But firm lines have to be drawn and not allowed to be crossed.
You are right when you say what will happen once you have a social life. He will still try to manipulate control over you if you allow him unfettered access to your life by his calling and his questions.
Cut it all off starting now and you'll find your stress levels about this issue drop after a couple for weeks and your ex-husband realizes that he has to stick to a schedule or have no contact at all.
Best Wishes,
Rob.
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