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If you can be honest with yourself then there is no reason not to expect the same with a man you're dating or have dated. Confusion comes from denial of what is at the heart of your relationship: a controlling man.
Dear Rob,
I am a 21 year old now going and living at school.
I was in a relationship that lasted nearly a year and 3 months off and on. I normally brought on the break up. But this time, he did cause I did cheat on him, but I didn't know we were still going back out cause he had gone to jail and I was trying to move on but he got out 6 days later.
We went 2 months without talking and I finally contacted him. Now he calls me constantly but says we are just friends but he told his ex's room mate that he was thinking about going back out with me.
I just recently saw him after 5 months of not seeing him. He had called me a name but I got upset and he said he loved me. That was the only time he told me that.
He knows how deeply I care for him, but he doesn't know what he wants because he has too much going on in his life right now.
He's afraid that he's going to go to jail that's one of the reasons why he doesn't want a committed relationship with anyone.
Well, I decided that it was best that I try to start dating again. I had dated this older guy when we were talking but we broke it off because he was too controlling for me.
I told my ex the one I love that I started dating someone else because I can't wait forever and he told me that it was good and he wasn't mad. Well last night he called and my phone was dead, so he left me a very nasty voice message saying that I had said one thing but went off and did another when we were starting to fix things.
He tells me things that other people do wrong to him and it seems like he tells me that I do the same, but he says that it isn't the case when I ask him if he means me.
Well, I texted him and said I was going to break up with this guy so we could work things out. But he told me he didn't wasn't me to and continue dating him. He claimed he was just venting. And when it seems like he is yelling at me, he denies that he is when I ask him to stop. And he would show me yelling if I said that he was yelling at me again.
I am very confused and don't know what to do. He tells me one thing and then he tells me another. He told me the reason why it didn't work out the first time was because of distance and I said that that could be fixed.
Is he trying to control me in some weird way but not seem like he is, so I won't try to put blame on him later on? He has never hit me, but I do know that he throws things in anger.
He says I hurt him when I decided that I wanted to move on, but what was I supposed to do. I can only wait for so long.
Any advice would be helpful. I am trying to stay away from controlling relationships, but sometimes I believe that this fear prevents me from being happy with someone I truly care about.
Sincerely,
Seriously confused
Hi Hopelessly Patient,
I wouldn’t say so much that this guy is trying to control you but he is controlling in his efforts to hold onto you.
When a guy says things in anger, he’s not venting, he’s showing his true, violent colors and actions to you.
Real men know how to communicate, this guy does not.
His expectations of you, waiting for him, are unrealistic and selfish to the maximum.
You’ll never have a life with him because he does not understand how to behave like a man, he’s just a spoiled child in a man’s body… tell me I’m wrong!
You seriously need to break things off once and for all with this guy, the guy waiting to go back to jail.
I can only imagine the worse possible outcomes should you stay in contact with him.
As for this older guy, he’s a rebound romance… end this not too.
I think you need some time to be single, to work on your self-esteem, to better yourself to find a real man.
He’s out there, somewhere, waiting to find you.
But you have to make the first efforts in cleaning up your life.
Stop settling for losers and users!
The fear you feel is because of your inner fear of not being needed, not being loved. You have to get honest with yourself, and decide to treat yourself better.
You need time for yourself, to work on your inner issues.
Not until then will you find happiness.
Best Wishes,
Rob.
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