Friends With Benefits:: Ask Rob! The Advice General

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Dear Reader,
I've recently received a few questions regarding situations that involved the writer becoming a "Friend with Benefits" to someone they cared about.

Now, let me explain this "Friends with Benefits" situation before we go on:
You are someone that your friend has sex with. There is no emotional attachment, no relationship. Not even a handshake when it's over.

You are simply a friend that is having sex with another friend.

I guess for guys it really is "Friends with Benefits" but as I understand girls, the "no emotional attachment" thing usually causes problems.

Some have written me and said that "Sex is Sex" and can be on it's own, without relationships, without dating, just a thing that you do at the end of the night.

I have to ask, at the end of what night? What led up to this "sex"? Did you spend time together just to have sex later on? Why wait then? Why not just the sex and get on to more interesting things?

There's no dating ... it's just sex (which oddly enough is often the whole point of dating!)

If you're going to have sex, let's skip the pregnancy possibility talk... the chance of getting an STD, since if you're having sex with one, why not two or more? Let's not talk about those issues, since you're already prepared to handle any consequences.

Let's talk about how you're using your body.

I believe in having a good time. Fun with friends ... hanging out.

Is sex the end of what you want to do, or is there more that you really want?

The guys are saying "Sex is all of it" and the girls are saying "If I have sex I'll get the guy".

Is that really "Friends with Benefits"?

Or is it just having sex, with the responsibility of walking away, with no emotional attachment, no relationship expectations, no commitment whatsoever?

Where was that benefit again?

Sure, I'm older, heck, I'm even married.

So, if you're looking for a "Friend to have benefits with", email me and fill me in on your reasons. I'd like to add them to this article.

And if you've been involved in a "Friends with Benefits" activity (since it's not a relationship) let me know how you've felt about yourself and the other person when it ended.

Hey Rob,
Well I've been seeing an older guy for a while and at the beginning he said we were boyfriend and girlfriend and all that stuff then I spoke to soon and said we should get married (I wasn't serious about it) but he thinks I was still until this day. So ever since then he has said we didn't have enough in common to be married and now we are just friends with benefits.

My question is, we spend a lot of time together and we do more than sex. Sometimes he hugs me and says he loves me and I am his sweetie and tells his friends he has to go pick up his girl (me) and says I am his girlfriend, and then sometimes he seems distant. well overall it feels like were more than friends with benefits but he says that's all we are.

I know he doesn't date other women because I sleep over a lot and leave my stuff there and he has asked me to move in with him several times, so I don't understand if he is messing with me if he's just confused about how he feels. Could you email me some advice? thanks.

Hi,
Some may feel this is cold-hearted, but if the fun in the bedroom isn't leading to a ring on the finger, you're replaceable. And you will be replaced as soon as someone better comes along.

The next time you're together, hopefully somewhere public with his friends around, ask him point blank if "you're exclusive".
Likely, this will lead to him saying NO.
Or, let's talk about it later.
Or he'll start a fight with you.

If he says you are exclusive, then fine, stop the sex until a ring, or an engagement promise, appears.

My feeling however, is that he's using you as he has already laid the groundwork for making this only a 'friends with benefits' relationship.
So, dump him and find someone better. Before he proves me right and breaks your heart.

Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi, Rob,
I need your advice!

I met a guy, and became friends. For the first 2 weeks or so, we hanged out with other friends or just 2 of us, we chatted daily on Internet for 2 weeks. I kinda knew he was interested in me. However, I accidentally slept with him.

After that, we became friends with benefits for last 8 months. First, we hung out with other friends, we talked each other a lot even we were FWB. We made one rule: No emotional involvement. For this FWB. Even though I started to like him, I agreed with it.

A few months after we started FWB, he started to blocked me on AOL messenger. But I called him a lot and tried to ask him out because I liked him. However, he was backing off. We had a discussion, and agreed to see each other not once in a week, but, not so often.

Even when we saw each other at bars with other friends, we did not say hi and did not talk each other at all. But, we looked each other sometimes to check how one was doing. 3 months ago, I had an argument with him over the phone, and he said do not call him for a while, he does not want to hang out with me for a while. I did not contact him for a month.

A month after when I called him but, did not leave a message, he messaged me to see if I want to come over to his house to have a sex. I went there. Till 3 weeks, ago, we saw each other to just have a sex once a month. Most of the time, I contacted him to see if I can come over to have a sex...well, I thought he would see me only at his house to do it.

3 weeks ago, I asked him if we quit FWB thing, can we be friends? First, he said this is friends, too, but, he also said that this is unhealthy and he wants to quit. Every time when he receive a message (booty call) from me, he has stress. He does not enjoy FWB with me any more. He said he will say hi to me when he sees me with other friends and will talk to me online. I was sad...and I asked him if he got a girlfriend. He said 'No', and asked me if I saw him with a girl. He also said that I don't have to worry about it. It is not my problem.

I asked him how come he blocks me on AOL messenger, he said he does not want to talk to me. He said that if I wanna do FWB, find other guy. We quit FWB, I believe. but, I still like him a lot.

On the other hand, he still acts what he did when we were FWB, (not saying hi to me, still blocking me on Internet). 3-4 days ago, I messaged him 2 times (till that time, did not contact him at all). One is to say Hi." the other is to say Happy birthday to him, however, he did not respond or anything. I don't know what to do. I am afraid he still treats me I am his sex partner only even he said that we would quit it.

Should I tell him straight I like him and ask him what he really thinks about me? Or should I try to be able to talk to him like friends do? I like him, so, I wanna do something about it.

I don't know what he really thinks about me.....When I was talking with guys in front of him, he got jealous. Even though we did to say hi each other, we checked each other where one was and how one was doing. I wanna make him like me again, or at least I wanna talk to him like we did before. Help me!

Hi,
While you thought that you were using him for sex, and in the back of your mind you hoped to end up with a boyfriend, the reality is that he was using you for sex, at his convenience, and had no intention of moving the relationship to any other level.

Face it, this guy does not like you, will never like you.
He may have had sex with you, but that is as far as his commitment will ever go.
Even, if by some strange change of heart he decides to call you his girlfriend and you fall for this line, he'll just continue using you for sex, then dump you when someone he likes more comes along.

By what you've said in your email you've been living knowing this from the start, you just haven't been truthful to yourself to realize how this has affected you emotionally.
Sex isn't a "friends with benefits" idea for girls. It's a ruse for guys to get sex and have no commitments, no attachments, to their sexual partners.

Stay away from him.
Break off all contact with him.
Don't be his toy any longer.
Get single and stay single for a while, so you can sort out yourself and decide how important having a mature caring person in your life is to you.
Sex without commitment or a real, deep relationship, is just a lie that people with low self-esteem tell themselves that it is OK.

Best wishes,
Rob.

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *

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Ask Rob! The Advice General