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Only you can tell is
he's dateable or a puppy-man.
Dear
Rob,
I’m in a slightly unfamiliar situation. Maybe, out of the kindness
of your seemingly bored, stranger-helping heart, you could give me
some advice.
First off, after reading several of your past entries/responses
(which I enjoyed quite immensely, by the way), I am already
anticipating your advice, which will most likely be to drop any
further attempts at some sort of relationship-like bond with this
guy beyond simple (ha!) platonic friendship. So I implore you also
to give me an alternate set of advice in which I do pursue such…
relations.
All pointless information aside, I am a 16 year old girl (for
accuracy’s sake, I’m 17 in a month) who is well, having problems
with a guy.
Oh god, the dreaded clichés have already come for me. Do overlook
that too, hmm?
I really don’t want this to become a long-winded
description/explanation, but there are several factors that can’t be
ignored. My apologies in advance. Still, I’m pretty sure I’m going
to end up typing the collective life story of me and my love
interest.
I’ll start at the beginning. (Or vice versa, if you wish.)
A short while
ago, I self-diagnosed myself with want-what-I-can’t-have-itis (thrill of the
chase, fear of even the slightest bit of commitment, those lovely little bad
habit truisms). All too common, I know, but I decided to get rid of it since
I already had enough problems as it were. At the same time, I was a typical
female who “liked” anything that was attractive enough by my standards and
had a pulse.
Ah yes, the
good ol’ days. After getting more or less cured, I did realize that I
actually do look for specific things in a guy, that I don’t want a
relationship with just any gorgeous, animate objects, etc. And I’m through
with the bad, dangerous type. They’re so boring. This is where Paul comes
in.
Paul is quite
remarkable. Suffice it to say that he truly has what I am looking for. I had
been attracted to him in the past, but this was also during my streak with
bad boys…sheesh. Oh and there was also the fear of commitment, i.e., dating
or the likes.
Although a great deal of recent encounters, flirting, body language, and
exchanges between us are, in my mind, extremely pertinent to the situation,
I’ll omit them for brief descriptions of the most key events.
Like most guys, from my understanding, he is painfully vague when talking to
me about certain… situations or problems. Unlike most guys, it seems he is
attempting to drop hints in these exchanges and skillfully using elaborate
analogies in doing so.
It is my
belief that on the last day of school, after the yearbooks had been signed
and almost everyone had gone, he intended to ask me out, but chickened out,
so to speak. What I extracted from his analogy (which he gave me later that
day on IM) was that he was all set on asking me out, but his ride took the
opportunity from him. The analogy essentially makes perfect sense if I input
the situation of him wanting to ask me out, but for all I know that’s not
what he’s trying to say. He said he really should have stayed after longer,
and, as the analogy goes, “given the closing, and pissed off my carpool.”
(i.e., asked me out in whatever brilliant fashion he was set on, and pissed
off his carpool.)
So basically, the situation that I’m in right now is that after not going
online for at least a year, the guy I like suddenly gets a screen name on
the evening of the last day of school, tracks my screen name down on yahoo,
and cryptically tells me that he should have stayed later that day to tell
someone (I know that it’s a female), something “courageous” and perfectly
planned out that would have prompted some sort of judgment from this girl,
and that he regrets not doing. For the record, I was the only girl there
during the time he was talking about, save for a few irrelevant freshman
girls.
After that,
we’ve been talking every night for a few hours on IM (I even got him to stay
an hour longer one night – quite a feat considering he lives in a “police
state”) until a few days ago, as he is now in California visiting
prospective colleges. From what I have gathered… he has a case of wanting
what he can’t have. It’s rather complicatedly tied in with his personal
beliefs, and he isn’t too keen on getting out of it. He’s said that he’s
“picky,” and also that he (paraphrased) wishes that he wouldn’t chicken out
so much. I’m quite sure that he can’t decide if he wants to have a
relationship or not.
Yet at the same time, he drops hints of really wanting one; this among
countless other things – one of my guy friends actually proposed to me the
other day (we’re really close, and he wasn’t completely serious), and I told
Paul that, asking him what I should tactfully say in return. Upon telling
him my guy friend had proposed to me, he said “sneaky bastard, beat me to
the punch…” Also things like only talking to me on IM, and pissing off a few
of his friends in the process.
A few days before he left for California, I asked him if he could possibly
come over to play a video game that we had been planning on playing together
(although the initial plan was to do so over the internet, which I realized
won’t work. Yes, we’re both total nerds). He said sure, after the time he’d
be gone. He also said that he’d try to keep in touch over that time, but he
most likely wouldn’t be able to (he hasn’t so far). The problem is…I feel
I’ve been a bit over eager – quite a rarity for me. I even gave him my email
address, and told him to use it if he felt the need (nothing yet). That,
along with asking him to come over, something the likes of which I had
unsuccessfully nudged at in the past, and more makes me feel like I’m being
much too keen.
I can’t be so overtly eager or I’ll scare him off. At the same time, I can’t
play too hard to get and flirt with other guys because I’m afraid he’ll
think I’m uninterested, and he’ll think I wasn’t really being serious with
him (from personal experience, this seems like a possibility). What can I do
to attain this precious balance yet have the relationship actually progress,
to see if he really wants to be with me, and to find all this out without
coming off like some deranged, needy chick?
Thanks for any help
- Sue
Hi Sue,
I feel for you, I really do.
When a guy is getting all the signals to ask a girl for the date and he
wimps out, it's very frustrating.
For the both of you.
Here's an analogy for you:
He's the batter at the plate.
The bases are loaded. No outs.
The pitcher (you) are giving him all the signals that your pitch is going to
be a soft lob ball, right over the plate. Easily hit out of the park.
And what does are batter do?
He passes and let's another batter take his place.
He's so scared of failure, or rejection, so lacking in self-confidence that
even when given the green light (literally flashing before his eyes), when
he has the perfect opportunity to be the hero, he walks away.
Then, after the game he talks with the pitcher and says stuff like:
"I had that one but my arm was stiffening up"
"I could've cleared the bases but I had a cramp in my leg"
And other crappy statements that infer he could have been the hero but the
time just wasn't right.
So, how do you handle this type of guy?
You have to step up and complete the deal.
The next time you see him, in person, after chatting a bit and catching up
you say to him, quite plainly, "Are you going to take me on a date or what?"
Then give him a kiss.
Seal the deal for him.
And yes, likely you'll be adopting a puppy-man. Willing to sit, stay and
roll over on your request.
He will be all mushy, dependant on you, constantly jealous and always
needing to know where you are.
But, in the end, you'll have received your request.
You will be dating this puppy-man.
So there you are, how to date the man that shows all the signals that he
wants to date you but he just can't bring himself to ask the question.
End his pain. Make the completion.
Ask him the question.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2012 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
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