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Don't overreact when your first
date goes well (you think) but the guy doesn't call back quickly.
Remember, at the end of it all, you are always changing your future.
Dear
Rob,
I am confused about guys!
Last night I had a great first date with this guy I met through a
friend. We met at a shopping mall, shopped, walked and talked, went
to the food court and talked some more. I could really feel a
connection with him.
Today I was expecting a call from him but didn’t get one. I talked
to my friend that set us up and she said that I came across too
needy! Now I don’t know if I should expect his call, call him or
just give up altogether.
What could I have done wrong? I really thought he was a great guy
but now I’m really not sure. His eyes did seem to wander as we
walked around.
Rob, what do you think could have gone wrong?
Perplexed
Hi
Perplexed,
A lot of people describe first dates and the few that follow as an
interview type situation. You do and say things and gauge the reaction for
attractive and compatible qualities.
But I, on the other hand, think that the first few dates are more analogous
of when you go swimming: before you jump in you put a toe in the water to
see how warm/cold it is. The first date, and the next three or four, are
that toe, testing the water. If it’s cold you don’t dive in, if it’s hot
you’ll proceed with careless abandon, if it’s the temperature you thought it
was, then you might dive in, wade in, or just not be as excited about
swimming as you thought you’d be.
For compatibilities sake the both of you need to react the same way to the
water (the attraction factor of the first date). Hot or not? Exciting or
dull? But most importantly, listening or talking?
If you’re an avid talker and the guy doesn’t know how to listen then the
combination of the two of you just won’t work, not matter how attracted you
feel, it’s a one way street… he’s just not going the same direction you are.
Because you feel a connection does not mean it goes both ways, even if the
guy seems to respond well to you. There are clues that you should try to
notice as the date progresses:
He does not continue conversations, tries to change the topic or just
becomes unresponsive;
About half way through the date a definite end time is mentioned by him, in
some way;
There is no (seemingly) accidental, (but mostly) intentional touching of the
back of hands (touching the back of your hand with the back of his hand is
usually an indication that he wants to hold your hand) or an attempt to put
his arm around your shoulders or waist. If he is avoiding such contact then
you are already judged to be a “cold fish” and pursuing any further contact
will allow him to either warm up and behave better or push you into a
situation (sexually) too fast, too early.
First date rules that you have to remember are:
Be an active listener, not a bossy talker. Follow the conversation, even
though it’s just the two of you, and ask leading questions that start with
“What do you think about…” and “Did you ever…” and other questions that will
lead to a descriptive answer from the other person, never ask yes or no
questions unless it has to do about ordering off the menu!
This is not an interview! Too often first impressions are wrong, give the
person a chance to prove themselves as a “whole” person, not a thin slice of
your first impression. Not to say that you should ignore your gut instincts
and let yourself be led into unsafe situations but give the guy the
opportunity to be “The Man” and prove himself as a real man, not a jerk or
player.
Have fun! Even if you already have decided that this isn’t the person you
want to continue to date, don’t become a sour puss on the date. Have fun, be
polite and make a graceful exit without any future promises. We’re not
children, we don’t have to lie to anyone about anything.
Remember, at the end of it all you are always changing the future. His,
yours, everyone that you come into contact with.
Don’t let disappointment rule your life, there will be other first dates
until you find Mr. Right.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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