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Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Almost cheating. Almost broken-up. Definitively a relationship in trouble. Knowing the time to move on away from a bad place in a relationship isn't always obvious. That does not mean it isn't necessary.

Dear Rob,
My now ex-boyfriend "Chris" and I were together in a very strong relationship for about a year. The reason that we broke up recently, however, is because he found out about some email conversations that I had been having with a new guy friend of mine, "David".

Although there had been no intention whatsoever on my part to have anything to do with this guy beyond these admittedly flirty emails, I was unable to assertively remind him that I had a boyfriend and that I should not be sending such emails.

I know that it was a lack of judgment on my part.

However, to make things worse, when Chris confronted me and asked whether I was talking to David, I was so scared about what would happen to us if he found out, that I lied about it and said that David and I did not talk. Needless to say, he got very upset with me and lectured me for a long while.

But, after the confrontation, Chris did not break up with me immediately. In fact, in my shame and disappointment at myself for doing what I did, I was the one who kept urging him for the next few days to break up with me. Of course, I sincerely hoped that he would not, but I think I kept suggesting the opposite as a sort of punishment to myself.

Eventually, he did break up with me, which was devastating for the both of us. For the next month, we kept some distance from each other, although there were still traces of what we had, we still called each other everyday, called each other by our nicknames, and wanted to visit each other all the time.

It is now a month later, and things seemed to have changed. I am now the only one still making the effort to show that I care for him deeply. I've already stopped any contact with David, and I still try to notify Chris before I do things that he might disapprove of. He, on the other hand, gives me no such courtesy (but then again, he's not obligated to). He does not call, and when I do, he does not pick up sometimes, or when I want to start a conversation and talk about what happened and how we should proceed, he doesn't seem interested.

However, at the same time that he's being cold, he will still give me intimate hugs and tells me I'm special to him. He will still invite me to his place or insist on visiting mine every now and then.

Although I am taking into consideration that he is probably still angry with me, his mixed signals are starting to confuse me. What does his behavior mean? I start to wonder if he is beginning to not care about what happens to us anymore, or I begin to think that maybe he is keeping me around merely because he misses me, but I do not know for sure because of his contradictory behavior.

Are those hasty conclusions on my part? How do I show him that I am sincerely sorry and really want to have another chance?
Thanks so much.
Sue

Hi Sue,
You may want to have a second chance, but you’ve admitted that you were wandering down the cheating path and the hurt "Chris" feels is deep rooted.

Yes, he does want to be with you again, or he’s just playing up to you to “get some” without the boyfriend-girlfriend connection and your history hanging over his head. Don't head down the "friends with benefits" road, you will lose more than "Chris" if you do. You'll lose your self-esteem and self-respect.

My best advice for you is to drop him completely.
No more emails, no calls, no being available for him at all.

Let him miss you for a month or two.
Move on with your life.
If he can see past his pain then over this time, he will be yours again.
If he doesn’t then he never will be yours again.

The next time you are in a relationship it should be understood that just because you're a "couple" that doesn't mean you can't have separate friends. Your communication with "Chris" obviously wasn't as open as it should have been and you wandered, albeit slightly, because of something missing in what you had with "Chris".

As individuals we are going to have different likes and dislikes from our partner. It's great when a couple are each other's best friends, but this isn't always the case. Having a relationship free of jealousy allows us, as individuals, to have other friends we can confide in without this being a sexual escapade.

Keep your friends close, your boyfriend closer, and communication open all the time.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help" books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:

For Women

For Men

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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