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Ask Rob! The
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There is a fine line
in relationships that should never be crossed. Should you be
verbally abused, time and time again, it's time to plan an exit
strategy before things get worse.
Dear
Rob,
I am 20 and I am dating a 30 yr old male.
He is very sweet most of the time, but he gets angry about really
little things. He has always lived on his own and I just moved in
with him so I understand he is going to be a little aggravated.
The degree of which he gets angry and foul towards me is a problem
though.
He is very particular about his house. Everything has to be a
certain way. Yesterday though I had a handful of chips in my hand
and he said "no, do not go in the bedroom!" (which was fine and
understandable).
But then it progresses into comments like "I don't know about you
sometimes, you're like a 12 year old." I told him to calm down. And
then he goes off saying f-you, you don't understand.
After his comments I end up in tears. His favorite thing to do is
apologize a thousand times and then say things like "I question
every other day about this. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I don't
make you happy." But then tells me I make him happy but he doesn't
make me happy."
I try and explain to him it is not saying little things like don't
bring food in the bedroom, it is the comments he makes afterwards.
Like I don't know about you sometimes, you act like a 12 year old.
And f- you and things like that.
He doesn't understand and somehow everything ends up my fault again
after he apologizes. HELP! Am I doing something wrong?
Thank you,
Jenni
Hi Jenni,
I have to wonder how much time you spent dating this guy before you
moved in with him.
A couple of months?
You don’t have the compatibility to live together. Maybe date, but
certainly not sharing a household.
The guy is a control freak with tendencies to be an abuser. From
what you told me he has all the hallmarks of being an abuser such
as:
Yelling about small things;
Showing distinct disapproval of how you are;
Making undeserved comments and attempting to start fights over them;
Swearing at you;
Apologizing afterwards for what should have never been an issue that
he did start a fight over;
Never putting himself in your position to understand things in your
relationship.
You didn’t say that he’s cut you off from family and friends nor did
you say that you have a job. But I have to wonder how much of
himself is getting inserted into your life outside of your
residence.
If you can’t sit down with him and come to an agreement about how to
live together, basic rules and allowed behaviors that you both be
able to live with, then really, move out before life gets worse.
Rules for living together:
Share expenses 50-/50; on a monthly basis put together the receipts
from all common expenses (rent/mortgage, utility bills, phone,
cable, shopping and common personal items like body soap, dish
washer detergent, etc.) and split the cost evenly;
Create a schedule for the tasks needed around the home (such as
vacuuming, sweeping, washing dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, yard
work, etc.), agree who will do what and when;
Once the things that need to be done are agreed to there is less
interference in your being together because there are bow no chores
and expenses that are surprises, can be overlooked and may start a
fight.
If you can’t agree what to do when, and how to share the expenses
with it all being written down and agreed to with signatures, then
you aren’t going to have a happy home life.
So, you have two things to do now:
1. Talk with your boyfriend about how he treats you, that you should
not, ever, be sworn at, humiliated, treated like a child;
2. Create a “Living Together Contract” putting everything in
writing, expenses, chores, etc. Leave nothing out. Remember,
everything you do individually affects the other, so it should all
be agreed to.
If you can’t do these things, it’s time to put how he treats you
under the microscope and decide if this is how you want to be
treated for the rest of your life. Because he won’t change unless he
agrees to change, you can’t force a man to change.
And if he does say he’ll change, hold him to it.
No idle threats about moving out. If you say it, mean it, have an
escape plan ready.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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