My Boyfriend Puts Me Down by Ask Rob! The Advice General

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Hi Rob,
I just discovered your web site today. I was wondering what you thought about my little problem.

I am almost 22 and my boyfriend is 23. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months. He has a lot of great qualities: he's handsome, generally he has a positive attitude, he makes me laugh, he wants to spend time with me, we have loads of fun when we go out, his family and friends all adore me. In fact I have never been with a guy who's family and friends have accepted me the way these people do.

It has been along time since I have felt this much for another person. He has told me that I broke down all the walls he had built up around his heart and that he loves me and cares about me very much. He has said that he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives so we can make each other happy and have fun and stay young. He said I am the only girl he has ever been with that he can see himself growing old with.

But I have a few problems with him though.....
I know that he is insecure with certain aspects of himself (who doesn't right?) So to compensate for this he is over confident and ends up driving
me away.... it can be a big turn off.

Secondly, he has this talent for saying the worst possible thing and the worst possible time. He is Sarcastic and rude. For example, Last night we went out to dinner with my 17 year old cousin (we're pretty close). This was the first time that he was to meet her. We were eating appetizers and my cousin started talking about her sex life. To make a long story short, my boyfriend says, point blank, that he is "way better in bed" than I am.

It just crushed me. He has a sarcastic sense of humor, I know this, but sometimes he takes it so far that it would hurt less if he just punched me in the face. Most times when we go out he will say at least one thing that really cuts me down. The worst part is he does it in front of his friends, and now my family. After we took her home he wanted to go back to his house, but I refused. I told him how he makes me feel when he says things that cut me down. He told me that he was sorry and that he was new at "all of this" (relationships) and that he loves me and cares about me.

But this isn't the first time that we have fought about this. I know i deserve to be treated better. I deserve a straight answer to my questions: Why do you think it's funny to put me down? Why don't you stand up for me? why do you let your friends talk down to me? If I hear anyone saying something to cut him down, I stand up for him. But he won't stand up for me. It's not that I don't mind standing up for myself, i always have, but every other boyfriend I have had would punch out another guy who was putting me down. What the heck do I do?

Is this relationship worth saving? Should I just cut my losses now? Please help ROB!!!! Thanks for reading my email. I hope to get an answer soon!
Keep up the great work and best wishes for the future!
~ Sleepless in Canada

Hi Sleepless,
I am every familiar with this type of behavior.
Your boyfriend uses you to prop himself up. He's made you an easy target and every time he makes a little joke or remark at your expense and you don't say something to correct him (that you don't like this type of talk and behavior from him) he feels that it's allowable, that you don't mind and that as long as the laughs continue so will he.

You have to stop this awful pattern of behavior now!
Have a face-to-face serious talk with him.
Tell him how his little jokes and remarks hurt you.
Let him know that you don't like it and if he does it again you will let him know right away that the joke/remark is uncalled for and hurtful. Yes, that is what you say in front of him and his audience. And if he says "Can't you take a joke?" you tell him that he's not funny, he's mean.

This behavior needs to be stopped if you want your relationship to continue AS EQUALS. If you don't correct him his attitude towards you will deteriorate and only get much worse over time. Knocking someone else down (physically or verbally) is abuse, no matter how loving other aspects of the relationship are.

You are setting the future boundaries of your relationship here. If he can't correct this behavior towards you, then yes, dump him.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help" books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:

For Women

For Men

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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Ask Rob! The Advice General

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