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Ask Rob! The
Advice General
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One of the main
ingredients of any relationship is intimate contact. But you can't
recross this bridge. Make sure you and your partner are ready for
this step and all it's implications.
Hi
Rob,
I very rarely need expert advice, but this one is a real conundrum
and I hope you can help me.
Quick background:
I am a thirty five year old male professional. I am successful, have
above-average looks, I am intelligent and I have a very good sense
of humor. In summary, while I have to work at it, I generally do
well with women and I am able to date very attractive women.
The scenario:
I met up with a good female friend and her friends late one Saturday
night a few weeks ago. One of her friends was gorgeous and cool and
we hit it off right away. At the end of the night we let everybody
peel away and ended up with an intense make-out session at this
lounge downtown.
I called her the next evening and we went on a second date. We drank
quite a lot but really clicked mentally. We ended up climbing on top
of each other again both while on the town and on the cab ride home.
She was very attracted to me (talking dirty etc. but she is also
very sweet and intelligent)
I asked her out on a third date for the next Saturday night while on
the second date (second date was on Tuesday).
I received two very positive texts from her saying that she also had
a great time and that she wanted to go on Saturday if she "got back
from her parent's place on time on Saturday." (Her parents live in
the suburbs.)
She blew me off on Saturday night (I called once and then left one
message saying that I was leaving in 45 min. if she still wanted to
come).
I called her again on Tuesday, left a brief "hello" message, told
her to give me a call, and then got off the phone quickly. She did
not answer or return my call. I have let it go for two weeks, but
would really like to get her on another date. There was tons of
chemistry between us. All of my friends (both male and female) are
as baffled as I am at this scenario.
I do not want to act like a fool by continuing to call, but I feel
as if I should at least give it one more "Hail Mary" just to make
sure that I am out. Something weird could have happened and I want
to make sure that there has been no miss-communication I want to
cover all the bases before I let a girl of this caliber get away.
Any advice?
Hank
Hi Hank,
It sounds to me that you've had two heavy dates. Both times alcohol
was involved, both times the dates went sexually "hot and heavy" and
ended with no regrets.
But now, when trying for that third date, her feeling of regret has
crept in. That's why she's not answering or returning your calls and
that's why she's blowing you off when you do talk to her.
Pulling back the sexual action is the only way to save this possible
dating relationship. She's overstepped her "safe boundaries" and now
feels that the next date will throw her over the cliff of sexual
expectations and actions. Her not wanting to speak with you
re-enforces the fact that she's feeling regret and embarrassment as
well as insecurity that the sexual overtones of the time you spend
together is outside of her usual behavior.
Talk again to the mutual friends that you have. Ask them if she's
the type to be so "active" on dates. They'll have some ideas for you
to follow up on as far as your next steps go.
Your last chance "Hail Mary" contact should be a small gift, maybe
flowers, to show a side of you that is more than a party animal,
more than a guy going out for a good time. And on a date that is
different from what you've been doing so far with her.
Flowers.
Balloon bouquet.
Candy basket.
The included card says "[Your name] the romantic. Meet me at XXXX
for dinner". XXXX is the name of the restaurant, a mid-week date and
early evening time for your slow, safe, romantic dinner date. Or a
short dinner and a fun date. Bowling. Arcade games. Mini golf.
Bingo.
And
no matter what happens, when you take her home after this date, you
drop her off and end the date then and there. If she invites you in
for coffee, you tell her you need to slow down the relationship,
coming in maybe not the best idea and that you need to now that
she's OK with that.
And
go home.
If she's really gorgeous, she's used to guy's hitting on her for
sex. She's had enough of guys trying to possess her. She wants to
preserve herself when she meets a guy that she's really into, but
there aren't any rules for her to follow without ending up seeming
to be a prude.
This is what you have to change about your approach.
Think about creating a long-term relationship rather than making a
new notch on your bedpost. This type of male behaviour will be new
to her. She'll respect you for it. And you'll be setting the tone
for the relationship to progress more naturally, without the sexual
overtones that are likely scaring her away.
When dates turn too sexual too fast the natural tendency is to avoid
the conflict. Stop answering calls. Stop being available. Save your
self-esteem by not facing the person that you went "too far" with.
Whether you're the guy or the girl, if you need to put the brakes on
the sexual side of your dates as soon as you feel you've "gone too
far" do it. Don't be intimidated by "society's influence" on the way
sex in represented in TV shows and the movies. That's called
entertainment, this is called your life and your future.
If the girl or the guy you're dating is put off by your sudden
decision to slow down on the sex part of your dates, then it's
better you learn this early in the relationship rather than later.
You'll know how you've been seen/used by the person you're with.
If you're being treated as a "sex date" rather that a possible
"relationship date" it's only up to you to change the future way
you're being treated. Even couples that have decided to be "friends
with benefits" at least know the ground rules of being together.
Become the "safe date" where sex isn't the immediate goal of the
date.
Show that you're putting the brakes on the sexual aspect of being
together. Change the places of the dates from bars to places where
you can both be together doing something that is fun, interactive
and likely outside of what a normal date would be.
You're future of dating this girl is in the next actions you make.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*
Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to
help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone
that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2007 AdviceGeneral.com. If you
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 Need
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