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Ask Rob! The
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You need to
find your way to move on or to trust again. Both are difficult
choices but you have to choose!
Dear
Rob,
Well, I am in a very common situation as I have come to find out. I
was engaged and getting married in a couple of months to the love of
my life.
We had bought a townhome together last fall and began making wedding
preparations. Well at the end of the year while we were doing the
bills I had come across a very expensive cell phone bill and asked
my fiancé about it. I then saw that he had over 400 text messages
listed to one number and immediately started to panic. Of course by
this time he had begun his excuses. To make a long story short I had
called the number and over a months time I had found out it was a 16
year old girl that he was having inappropriate sexual conversations
with on and off for a year. He is 27.
We immediately started pre-marital counseling even though I was
extremely hurt and I had involved his parents as well because they
had invested a lot of money into the wedding. Well unfortunately
after a few sessions (that were pointless because he was still lying
to me as well as the therapist) I had a funny feeling that there was
more to the story and pressed further. After another months time of
prying and pressing I unfortunately discovered he was having an
affair with his co-worker for over a year and a half. I cancelled
the wedding on that note-god knows what else I was going to find
out.
To be honest I am in shock! I never saw it coming, he never had
funny phone calls or came home late. This other girl who I had the
pleasure of talking to told me he never even told her he had a
girlfriend or the people at his job. I have found out that he had
many active dating sites with his profile even though we have been
together for 4 years.
I am in crisis. He is the
first person I gave my whole heart to and I don't know what to do now. We
are still living together as I can't afford to move out or do I have family
to go live with. He is basically on his hands and knees trying to get me
back but I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. The story is
more complex but I feel you get the just of it... Please I beg you to give
me some sound advice. I am in a scary predicament-don't know what to do.
Broken-hearted
Hi Broken-hearted,
You really only have three choices:
1. Continue counseling
2. Kick him out
3. Continue counseling while kicking him out
I am a fan of number 3 because he did you very wrong. If he wants to prove
himself to you, to prove his love to you, he needs to start over, and that
should happen apart from you.
Guys that are this way, so pathetic, so narcissistic, really don’t
understand what they did wrong, that’s why effective counseling is needed.
That is also why this healing time (if you can heal) is done while living
apart. He will be better prepared to make his life decisions when he doesn’t
have you to directly account his actions to.
Really, I think you need a vacation from him and all this stress that he has
caused. There is NO way you’ll be able to trust him any time soon… and
you’ll hate yourself if you take him back under the current conditions.
If counseling isn’t working now, please try another counselor, not every one
is great or effective despite our best intentions of looking for help in
counseling.
I hope I have helped,
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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