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Ask Rob! The
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Dear Reader,
Guys as teens have it
tough.
There is no doubt that
it is one of the most stressful times someone can live through. The
competitiveness, the popularity challenges, raging hormones. And the
biggie, the feeling that you are so different from everyone else.
Everyone else has it all together, you don't. There is something
wrong with you.
Well, I have to tell
you: this is all a lie that guys, as teenagers, tell ourselves. Read
on:
Hi Rob,
I'm 17 years old and a senior in high school. In the last few
months I've noticed a girl around that really grabbed my attention
so I went up to her at lunch one day and I said to her:
"Excuse me, I'm not really sure how to say this, but I've noticed
you around and I just wanted to tell you that you're an incredibly
beautiful girl."
So we introduced ourselves and talked for a while. Near the end of
our conversation, I was about to ask for her number when she said
all of a sudden:
"This is a really weird time to be doing this. I'm grounded right
now, but I'll give you my number as soon as I'm ungrounded okay?"
So I asked her when she was going to be ungrounded and she said she
doesn't know. I know she's not lying for a fact, but it's been weeks
and weeks since she said this. Now I stop and have a nice little
conversation and flirt with her in the halls once in a while, but
here's where my problem lies.
I'm a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a driver's
license until I'm 18. I'm already humiliated enough by this and I
don't know what to do.
I'm really distraught right now about every aspect of my life and
really am lost and don't know what to do.
Should I just wait and see if she eventually gets her cell phone
back? I know that that's the only thing she's grounded off of. I
know she's still allowed to hang out with people.
Please tell me how to handle this situation in a way that will
increase her attraction for me! I really feel worthless at this time
in my life because it feels like I don't have any friends. I don't
have anyone to talk to. I want so bad for someone to care for me, I
feel like if I can get in a relationship it might fill this empty
hole in my heart. I would never let anyone in my life know these
things though, as far as they know, I'm calm collect and confident
with women.
I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity.
I desperately seek your help!
thank u for your time,
Anonymous
Hi Anon,
I really feel for you.
I can honestly tell you that life is hard... life is unfair...
And when you get all wrapped up with a woman that won't give you the
time of day life is cruel too....
There is good news however.
First off, promise me that you'll save this email. Never delete it.
And when this happens again, that you're all wrapped up with a
woman, you'll come back to read it again. Because this won't be your
first time with this problem!
You know why I said that?
It's because of several things:
- There are a lot of women in the world and there are 3 or 4 or
maybe more, that will strike your fancy in the next 2 years, so
always remember, if you want them, there will be more;
- The things you have, and don't have, aren't really all that
important. Guys have been meeting, dating and making out with girls
with far less than what you have... seriously, it's no big deal that
you don't have a drivers license, unless YOU make it a big deal.
When you can work with what you DO have, you'll be a far better
person. Complaining about it won't change things, right? Get on with
your life;
- You aren't that original. Really, there is nothing that makes you
special unless you make those things special. Now, what I mean about
this is that every guy, every person, is unique. Now, a guy your age
will substitute 'unique' with 'different' and make it a bad thing.
It's not a BAD thing! You just don't know it yet. Your friends don't
know it either, so who's to tell you? Your parents? Sure, but it's
what you'd expect of them right? So slow down, change your
perspective and let's get back to 'different' meaning 'unique' in a
good way, the way it's supposed to be, OK?
- You said:
"I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity. "
Hahaha.... sorry for the laugh, well actually NOT, but really....
I'm amazed that you were comfortable enough to admit this. If more
guys could the testosterone levels in schools would drop by about
80%.
Personally, I didn't start dating until I was 19. And I was one of
the cool kids... I just preferred doing other things at the time.
And because of this, I had girls draped over me all of the time. I
didn't have to go after the girls, they came after me. And I said
exactly that same sentence that you did:
"I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity."
The only difference is that I found out that it wasn't a fact, it
was a lie I was telling myself. I learned that the girls were after
me because they thought great things about me, even though I was a
scared kid inside. Heck, with all the girls paying all that
attention to me, I never was comfortable enough to kiss a girl until
I was 19!
You get into trouble believing everything you hear, for one, and
also you get into trouble thinking that your 'peers' know more than
you do. Seriously, there may be a guy that has a reputation for
getting the girls, but the rep isn't worth anything. It may work
while school lasts, because girls like competition, they like to get
what another girl has... so if you get one girl, you can easily get
more, because they're a horny, competitive bunch that's always
trying to outdo each other, you just don't know that because at your
age no one has told you. If you asked your dad (or another trusted
older guy), he'd tell you, but you're too lacking in confidence to
bare your soul that way. And that's OK, it's normal. Once you're
past high school, you'll talk with him. Or another older guy. You'll
get the information you really need to get those things you need. Or
think you need.
Now, before I get too far along, let's recap:
- You're feeling very attracted to a girl, a very strong, intense
attraction, for the first time. She's shutting you out and you can't
figure out why.
- You think this has to do with what you feel you are lacking, like
a drivers license, or a fantastic personality, because this is the
yardstick that you are using to compare yourself.
- Everyone you know is 'doing it' or at least dating and stuff,
except you.... and this is your fault, not theirs, because you're
'different' from everyone else.
Now, let's deal with this head on.
She's not that special, you're just making her that way. Being the
ultimate in wussiness, you've set her up as the queen of your life,
given her all of your power, life, death, future and everything
else. Things are brighter when you see her, grey, browned out and
cranky when she's not in your vision or thoughts.
You said:
"Excuse me, I'm not really sure how to say this, but I've noticed
you around and I just wanted to tell you that you're an incredibly
beautiful girl."
UGH!
You instantly confessed that she has control over you, that you'll
do whatever you can do to be near here, that your life has no value
unless she will go out with you.
She instantly knows that:
- her value has gone up by her own estimation;
- she can tell her friends what you said and her value in their eyes
goes up too;
- she now has a competitive thought that, if you like her, other
guys will too, even more of they know about what you said, so she
can use all of this to get more guys on the hook (of course, if
she's a victim of incredibly low self esteem and is using sex to get
guys, none of what I tell you is valid, and you're just reacting to
teen horniness).
- and finally, she doesn't need to date you because she's already
conquered you!
Now then you also said:
"I'm a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a driver's
license until I'm 18. I'm already humiliated enough by this and I
don't know what to do. I'm really distraught right now about every
aspect of my life and really am lost and don't know what to do."
So, let's work at getting past these feelings of nothing working out
for you. I've already said that life sucks, it's unfair, blah blah
blah. Of course that was a lie. A very bad one. You'll hear that
from all kinds of people in a stupid way to make you feel better.
They are liars too.
Life isn't unfair, just how you look at it is warped to seem like
it's unfair. Inside yourself is the power and strength to handle
these life crisis's, if indeed they are something that you can
control.
Work with what you have, not complain about what you don't have.
There will be life after school.... your exposure to all these so
called 'peers' will greatly lessen and you'll be with only those
friends that give and get value in your friendship.
You MUST do these things that I tell you to do in the next 2 weeks:
The GIRL:
The next time you see her, say only this:
"You had your chance."
And walk away.
That simple sentence will eradicate all the wussiness actions you've
had so far with her. It will increase her interest, if she has any
at all, for you. "You had your chance" will test her competitiveness
with the other girls she knows. You will be talked about. Your value
will rise greatly.
And when she comes after you.... keep her on a short leash. She has
to call you at the times you specify. You create the rules.
This may not happen instantly, her coming after you... but at least
you've regained your own self-worth and put her in her place at the
same time.
The EXPERIENCE:
Talk these feelings over with an older guy. Low self-esteem isn't
unusual but it is devastating when not dealt with. During the next
two weeks you've got to talk to an older married guy that you know
(Dad, uncle, family friend) starting with this:
"How did you know that your (current wife) was the one for you?"
"How did you meet"
"When did you know she was the one?"
"Who was your first love and how did you get over her?"
You need to get some perspective. You're not alone in this and you
need to talk it out with someone that can help. Someone that is near
you.
Your LIFE:
Nothing is over until you say it is. I don't mean become a stalker,
but know when to move on to the next girl. If all you do is get
self-worth from the girls you chase after, you've got a long hard
life ahead of you. You are going to get yourself a book to read. Ayn
Rand's "Fountainhead". You're going to read it. You're going to get
and start reading this book as soon as possible. I don't care if you
have to cross a desert or walk through a blizzard.
You're going to get the original "Superman" movie. Rent it, buy it,
whatever. When you watch it, you're going to watch how
Superman/Clark Kent deals with women and in particular Lois Lane.
And you're going to compare your own interactions with women to his.
You're going to start a savings account. Open it yourself and put a
couple of dollars into it. When you can put a couple of dollars into
it. Maybe instead of buying beer, or having that second burger when
you're out. This will be your "Freedom Fund". And I don't have to
tell you freedom from what, do I?
Guy,
Don't let me down. Do what I told you.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2012 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
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