Yummy Mummy Get's No Love From Hubby by Ask Rob! The Advice General Weekly Advice Articles at aLoveLinksPlus.com

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Relationships are in a constant state of change, even when it's not apparent. And when you do see the obstacles to harmony in the home you must face them head on and in the open.

Dear Rob,
I have been married almost 10 years to someone who, I thought when we got married was the most wonderful, caring, loving, adorable man in the world. But sadly all that changed when the night our son (now 2 & a half years old) was conceived.

This was the last time we had sex and in the last 2 years my husband has become more and more selfish. I rarely ask for help, I don't complain or nag, I'm a hard-working house wife, a "yummy mummy", I'm told, who tries very had to stay as sexy and attractive as I can, stay humorous and happy, available, etc., etc.

I always try to have a nice dinner ready and have our little boy either in bed when my husband is tired or ready to play if hubby wishes to play games with him. He has never had to get up for our son because he expects me to do it. If I get a really bad flu he still won't help me.

I just feel like perhaps I am spoiling him and trying so hard to do what pleases him is what I am paying for with his selfish behavior. I am in what seems a one way relationship. I have calmly and delicately told him that I think it would be really nice to have sex again, and that I would love it if he helped me out occasionally with fixing the car or painting and restoring the house, building his bird avery, doing his shopping, managing the finances, booking his fancy holidays, helping with his staff and practice, helping his dad, keeping his car clean and maintained, etc etc.

All he does is go to work 4 days a week and then in his spare time goes swimming and plays his violin with his dad or in his studio. I find his behavior so hurtful now that I cry at night, and put on a brave face in the day, feeling more and more hurt that he won't have sex with me, won't even give me a kiss, won't help me with anything even though I have given my career up to raise his son and manage all the duties he doesn't want to do, like putting the garbage out, walking his dog, feeding his canaries. I thought marriage was a team sport!

What have I done wrong?
I want to feel love for my hubby again, but I can't when I feel so hurt and unloved.
Marge.

Hi Marge,
I feel that you have done nothing wrong. Some men, after pregnancy, become distant because of unresolved feelings, jealousy of the new addition to the family and general unwellness in dealing with the new family situation.

It's time for you to:
Start counseling, as this situation will not resolve itself;
Plan family events, just the three of you, that your husband must attend (trips to the park, shopping, nothing major, etc.);
Have a family meeting about the division of household duties (you are right, marriage is a partnership and he needs to get re-involved in your relationship);
If you can, have your little one have a sleepover at the grandparents, or an aunt's/uncle's place for a night every so often. Some one-on-one time will help to get your relationship back where it was.

There are also books that you can read about the male withdrawal that he is going through to help you better understand this. Browse Amazon.com for possible books to read. And then borrow them from your local library.

Remember, none of this is your fault.
You have done no wrong here.

I also have to ask: do you ever have time for yourself outside of the home? Do you visit friends on your own, without baby and husband? Do you have free time to relax?
Planning some "Mommy time" where you can indulge yourself and leave the little one with Dad may help with his bonding issues too.

Best wishes,
Rob.

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *

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Ask Rob! The Advice General