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What you see now is who you'll have in the future. The only person
you can change is yourself and I don't recommend changing into the
type of person he wants you to be.
Dear
Rob,
I'm not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.
He is very jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He
doesn't want me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument
about something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem
like its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a
couple of letters to his ex.
When I found out I told him that if he wrote her one more letter
that we were over. He said "Well obviously you don't love me as much
as you say you do if you would break up with me for that".
See what I mean about him turning everything around on me?
He has told me about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating
on him and in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head.
I don't think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on
me in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does
have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I'm worried. When
we get married will he change?
Help me please,
D
Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is now
and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list of
everything.
(1) What you do now on your own;
(2) What you do together and;
(3) The things you want to change about both.
If you see anything that you want to be changed about your fiancé,
how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when he's your
husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend couples
counseling before your marriage.
Him sending letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your
feelings about him. He's looking for attention and comfort that he
feels he can't get from you. (Unless they have a child together and
he's sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his child
then this would be a part of your life, being involved with his ex
and child, that will go on for at least 18 more years.)
People don't change because there is a ring on their finger. What
you see now is who you'll have in the future. The only person you
can change is yourself and I don't recommend changing into the type
of person he wants you to be: obedient, subservient, under his
control.
From what you've told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you,
control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams to
scare you. Marriage won't change any of this from happening in the
future. And I bet that he'll keep in touch, see anyone, anywhere, no
matter your feelings. You'll be placed second to what he wants to do
whether it's good for the both of you or just something he wants to
do for himself.
If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking that,
however, he'll start an argument with you about it, blame you for
wanting him to be someone he isn't and threaten to break up with
you.
It's up to you to decide your future but don't let your future be
forced onto you.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2012 AdviceGeneral.com.
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