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There is a saying about guys, that they can't change. If you've invested a lot of time on a guy and he disappoints you over and over you need to take a closer look at yourself and why you're so dependant on him.
Dear Rob,
Thanks for a great website, I am learning from the advice you give
others.
My dilemma - I met a man thru a dating advert 8 yrs ago and we've been 'going together' on and off since. I'm now 40 yrs old and he is 42. We've no kids and never been married.
We both live in the UK, are educated to post graduate degree level and both in professional jobs. We rarely date out, mostly meet at each other's places and cook meals, converse, debate, watch films etc. I don't' really mind not going out much
He had deep mother and other issues which he's resolved now. I put up with a lot of stuff cos I was trying to be understanding.
Few yrs back he broke off and went to live with a woman whom he just met (she promised not to charge him rent as long as he helps her with house tidying and some furnishings) claiming she agreed with the arrangement and he would move out after 6 months when he'd saved enough to become independent again.
This backfired when he upset her by seeing other women, she found out and threw him out, she destroyed his belongings including 10 years worth of research work.
Then he was forced back to live with his mum and contacted me again from there. A year later he moved out but returned to mum when he couldn't manage the rent.
I tried to help him with application forms for low cost housing etc. I manage my own flat for the last seven years. He used to run up bills galore then his friends would cover them. He is about £25,000 in debt. He is now independent again, thankfully for the last two yrs
3 yrs ago he told me he cares about me, but I wonder as sometimes he can't even remember my age.
Says he is now looking for a wife (all his friends are long married, some with kids) and he's left it late. I've never met his friends (and don't particularly want to) or mum, he has only met one of my friends and my brother. He said if I married him he wouldn't restrict me and I could have my independence, he wouldn't tie me down in the house. Marriage to him doesn't appeal 100% but I'm not dead against it
We've broken up about 6 times in the 8 yrs. I ended it 3 times and him also. I've had two romances in the meantime and he meets ladies but it never lasts. I broke it for 8 months then contacted him 6 months ago. We met up twice last yr but I'd like to see more of him. He's always busy although keeps messaging me about meeting up. We live 40 minutes drive apart, quicker by tube. Most times the contact comes from me lately
Since we resumed it's been continuous quarrelling as he says negative things about me. He apologises after though. I told him I accepted him as he is but feel he doesn't of me. I'm not as tolerant of his behaviour now you see. He mocked the separation of my parents (separated 27 yrs) which although wasn't intended to insult, I felt it was wonderful. So I insulted his parents back (who were never married, his dad took off shortly after he was born though kept in touch, deceased 13 yrs). All led to a big row where he apologised but I didn't cos he kept demanding it and didn't allow me to initiate the apology. I think he feels disrespected. He now says he's not going to contact me ever again and if I call he'll block my numbers. He swore at me and said he isn't going to apologise for that.
I feel he hasn't left room for negotiation and if this is the case he can't really have feelings for me. Blocking someone's number is embarrassing. I'm considering phoning to apologise for what I said about his parents (as he apologised for his error) but am scared of the reaction if he picks my call.
A friend said she thinks he is childish and stubborn and I should call him cos I still care about him, life too short etc though said she probably wouldn't consider someone who swore at her and didn't apologise, says as a man he should apologise, what's wrong with him blah blah. I didn't tell her he said he'd block my number if I called though. People argue all the time, we are both adults and sensitive also. I don't fancy him out of my life for good and want to encourage him. I feel tossed aside. What can you suggest?
Thanks in advance,
Carol
Hi Carol,
I think that life is too short to continue to have a life with
this guy.
Whatever his issues are you have not been dealing with your own
issues:
- Why do you keep going back to a hurtful relationship;
- Why do you keep allowing yourself to be the bailing pail in his
drowning boat?
Sure, you're both adults but behaving like children of privilege.
You don't want him out of your life yet you expect more of him after
all the poor relationship examples he has revealed to you over the
years?
What is the name of the type of person that continues the same test
and getting the same results but expects that the next time the
result will be different?
An optimist?
No, not likely!
You don't really care about him but you do care what your life will be like without him... do you see the difference here?
You aren't really comfortable knowing that this might really be the end... there will be no one to turn to, for a relationship, if he really does stay out of your life and you cannot find someone else, someone better than what you think he is... even though you really don't have that much of a high opinion of him.
That's really weird, don't you think?
The only thing you are tossing aside is a happy future, because you
know already how things will turn out if you stick with him.
Right?
Ask your friend, she will agree with me.
And you will have new insight into your own selfish (and insecure)
behaviors.
Best Wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
- Christian Carter's Catch Him and Keep Him
- Rori Raye's Have The Relationship You Want
- Carol Allen's Love is in The Stars
For Men
- David Deangelo's Double Your Dating
- David Wygant Men's Mastery Coaching
- Jesse Charger's Seduction Sciences
- Alex Allman's Revolutionary Sex Tips For Men
- The Dating Wizard's Relationship Mastery Program
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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