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Ask Rob! The
Advice General When his behavior becomes uncaring, erratic and sexually explosive, it's time for a careful consideration of how you want your life to be.
Dear
Rob, We got divorces and married each other. I paid for his divorce and mine. He treated me like a queen and declared that he "loved me from the bottom of his heart". He quickly ran errands for me and seemed to actually spoil me. He gave regular massages. He told me everyday just how beautiful he thought I was. He was the most sensitive man I had ever met--he seemed quite sensitive in that he cried easily upon hearing sad songs or watching sad movies. I put 100% into the marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was careful not to snap at him and if I did, I apologized immediately. We had one serious argument during the nearly 7 years of our marriage. I might add
that we came from two totally different backgrounds. I had been on the same
job nearly 20 years at the time and had a decent income, had just purchased
a new home, and had a new vehicle. I was living the American Dream--I guess.
He was driving a vehicle that didn't run half the time, wearing tattered
clothing, and working a dead end job with no benefits. I felt he was a good
person but had lacked having the same opportunities that I had been blessed
with. I took him in, cleaned him up by buying him new clothes and a
dependable vehicle. Credit card nightmare! Also, before we had been married a year, I learned quite by accident that he had said some pretty perverted things to a young girl who worked at a fast food restaurant near our home. She even referred to him as "an old pervert". Then, a few years later he made some inappropriate comments to a young lesbian co-worker of mine who I supervised at the time. Not cool! He told her just how sexy he thought she was and told her not to tell his wife that he'd said that. This caused a terrible scene and nearly caused the organization I work for a sexual harassment suit. I permanently removed him from the property immediately. When I asked him for an explanation for his actions, he first said "maybe I'm going through a mid-life crisis". When I responded with "so you were coming on to her" question, he quickly said that he was only trying to compliment her. Then, he called up his brother's wife and said some inappropriate things to her. He finally admitted that they had once had sex before she was his brother's wife and before he married me! Then, I found the phone numbers of two women hidden in his truck. I won't go into detail but it was really weird how I ran across those. I certainly wasn't prowling around in his truck! When I confronted him, he started crying and begging me not to divorce him (by the way, this was his reaction to the other two incidents, too), and saying that he only got them just to "see if he could". He promised me that he'd never even called them and that he would never do anything again and that it would always just be me and him. Silly me! I believed that and continued to trust him although I was informed by people who had known him longer than me that he had cheated on every woman he'd ever been with and that he was a player! Then, this past December he told me that he was unhappy and wanted to leave. He said he wanted to be out on his own and that he'd never even paid his own rent before and that he didn't want to be married anymore. The sensitive man that I thought I knew so well transformed into a monster before my very eyes! I didn't raise my voice at him--not once--but I did ask him to please tell me what had happened as he had continued to declare his love for me just days before. He'd turn to me with a very dark expression on his face and look at me with eyes of steel and say things like, "I don't see what the big f*ing deal is here, we can still be friends, I'll call you, I'll even come by your house and maybe we can hook up sometime!". I was devastated and reminded him that I was his wife and asked him why on earth he was talking to me like this. He didn't have any answers. Then, he would tell me that he wanted to try to make it work, then he would scream at me that he had to leave, then he would approach me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, then he'd want sex. I
gave him sex in any way he wanted it--I was trying to save my
marriage! Then, I found out that it indeed was another woman that he
had known for a little over 3 weeks! I tried to reason with
him--thought he might be suffering from a mid-life crisis. Then,
when he spat at me that if things didn't work at with her, he'd be
back, I threw a rock through the windshield of the truck that I had
just bought for him a month or so before. He wasn't in the truck--I
wasn't trying to hurt anyone--just finally stressed my displeasure
with the situation. He left for good that same day. Before they were together 3 months and before her divorce was final, my ex convinced her to sign mortgage papers with him for a mobile home to put on "his" property which is actually in his mother's name. The girlfriend told me that she has nearly used up all her savings on this venture. She bought a second late model jeep that he is now driving. I wouldn't let him take the truck that I had bought him but gave him another one that I had bought that ran better than the one he came into our marriage with. He has bragged to everyone about her income and how she takes him shopping at expensive clothing stores and tells him to get whatever he wants. The girl is really a sweet girl but seems quite naive. She and I exchange emails and I've tried to warn her but she thinks she is the "special one" just like he told me that I was the special one. He
even told me before he left me that I should be proud because I was
his "record" in that he had stayed with me longer than anyone. I
fear he is using this girl in the same manner. I honestly feel badly
for her--I'm old enough to be her mother! He also had a child support obligation that I paid when he wasn't working because I didn't want him to have to deal with court or maybe even jail if he fell behind. She now tells me that he's only smoking pot on the weekends. When he was cheating on me, he did it all pretty much on his work time, turning in work hours that he wasn't even there! He worked on his own and his boss wasn't around very much at all so he had the freedom and trust to do pretty much what he wanted. The new girl and he work over 100 miles apart from each other so I figured that she doesn't REALLY know what he is doing. She just hears his great declaration of love for her all the time and all the affection he is capable of pouring out to her. She said he told her in the beginning of the relationship that he had to have sex at least once a day and she agreed because she considers herself a very sexual person as well. I obliged him his sexual desires as well even though I hit menopause a few years ago. That was hard but I kept it up no matter what but he seemed so very inconsiderate during that time. Also,
I'm a very attractive lady for my age and have taken good care of
myself. I easily pass for 35 and am fortunate to still have my
shape. As far as attractiveness, this 29 year old has nothing on me.
I'm not being conceited, it's just fact. However, I was catching on
to his using me and had started to say NO to a few
things--especially concerning money. * Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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