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When to end being the "Sugar Mommy".
Hi
Rob,
I can't tell my family and friends about my problem so I decided to
email you.
Let me start by describing myself. I am 28 years old and very
successful in my career as manager in a multi-national company.
People say I look more than ok and have a number of admirers and
followers.
My problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn't seem to know the concept
of responsibility. We've been together for almost 6 months now and
ours is like a whirlwind romance. I didn't get to know him first
before we became an item.
You see, my problem is like this. I feel as if I'm his sugar mommy.
Whenever we go out, we normally split the bill. I really do not have
any problem with that except that its not a 50-50 split. Its more
like me paying 75% or more of the bill. And we go out every night...
we always eat dinner together.... and not just eat anywhere... we
usually eat in expensive restaurants. I also share with the gasoline
expenses. The funny thing is both of us have cars but I frequently
gas up his car more than mine, sometimes 2-3 times a week full tank.
He's into sales so he uses his car everyday to get around and he can
reimburse this with his company, yet he asks me to pay for half of
the expense every time. Yes, it's his car we use when we go out but
the places we normally go to is just within the vicinity and would
not consume that much gasoline. Not only that, he also expects me to
split the bills when he buys personal stuff like shirts (not just
any shirt but the expensive kind), monthly medications worth 2k+,
shaving cream etc.
We both have good paying jobs but he always complains that he has no
more money left. He's an only child and has no obligations at home.
He gets to keep all his earnings to himself yet he's always broke.
He is an impulsive buyer, he loves branded and very expensive
clothes, shoes and accessories. I, on the other hand, am earning
more than him but I have many obligations at home. I am the
breadwinner in the family. I am currently maintaining 2 houses, our
house in the province and our apartment here in Manila, by which I
take care of all the monthly utility bills, food, rental etc. I am
also sending my 2 brothers to school in reputable colleges in
Manila. I am also paying a monthly amortization (roughly 30k) for
the condo I bought.
With our situation now, I'm having difficulty balancing my finances.
I tell him in passing that I'm having difficulty with my cash
position but he's so insensitive, he still expect me to share in ALL
the expenses.
I am not very good with confrontations that is why I tolerate the
situation. I do not know what to do anymore, ever since I met him I
don't get to set aside any personal savings anymore. In fact, I use
up the savings I was able to set aside in the past years as my
current earnings are not enough anymore to sustain me, my family and
HIM.
I don't have the heart to ask my family and friends for advice
because I don't want them to get angry at him. I love him but
sometimes I couldn't take it anymore. I can only take so much. I
know he loves me too but sometimes I doubt the reason why he wants
to see me everyday.... so he'll have somebody to share with the
expenses? I know sooner or later I need to talk to him... but HOW?
What will I say? He's very good at twisting things, I'm afraid he'll
make it look like it was my fault in the very first place.
I know he has these flaws yet I myself can't explain why I stick
with him. It's not a matter of being afraid to find another guy
because like I said I'm not hard on the eye and there are a lot of
guys waiting on the side.
Sometimes I just think I'll tolerate it until such time I leave for
Australia. You see, I have a pending application for Australia and
he doesn't want me to leave. I want to migrate because I feel I can
support my family better if I go there. I've been processing my
papers without his knowledge, and I'm expecting my visa to be
released before the year ends. I know its a cowards way out but I am
desperate. Please help.
Thanks so much in advance, Troubled Heart
Hi Troubled Heart,
It's time for you to make some changes to your life because,
obviously, how you are being treated by your boyfriend isn't
working.
From what you've told me, he's using you for your money.
He gets all the benefits of your relationship:
- His bills are paid
- He can spend his money on whatever he wants
- He gets gifts from you whenever he wants to get something new
- He can tell himself that he's being fair to you by contributing
his small amounts to pay large bills that you pay
In your position it's time to end this behavior and if need be, end
the relationship.
Save your receipts and write down what you've paid and what he's
paid.
Pull out your credit card statements and mark down what you've
purchased for him.
Have a sit down talk with him about how much you're spending, the
financial pressure he's putting on you, and that this (your paying
the majority of shared bills and spending money on him) has to end.
If he doesn't promise to start paying back the gas money and clothes
money that you've spent on him.... it's time to end the
relationship.
I hate to say it, but financial behavior like this is a one way
street, he gets what he wants and you are left to deal with the
consequences. Whether money, possessions, or simply ignorant
behavior, you have to put an end to being the "sugar mommy" and the
"victim" of his selfishness. If that means ending the relationship,
then do it.
Money and finances are one of the cornerstones of any enduring
relationship. Often one partner will earn much more than the other
so bill payments aren't shared equally. This does not mean that both
partners don't share the same financial responsibilities for
expenses in the relationship. What it does mean is that you need to
be upfront about each others financial responsibilities and needs.
Who pays for what and when. How money is saved as well as how
expenses are shared. And this should be put in writing before
cohabitating.
As far as your coming opportunity in Australia, don't just slink
away to another place, what if he decides to follow you? You'll
never be rid of him and his 'me first' money demands.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*
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help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
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that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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