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Ask Rob! The
Advice General It takes courage to face up to your relationship, realize how unhealthy it is and take steps to end the controller's abuse of you.
Dear
Rob, I accepted all this because I thought we were young and he was just immature and would change as he grew up. So, we got married, had kids and everything was fine because I was home all the time with kids and working. Didn't have time for anything else. As the kids got older, I started having more freedom to be able to go out with friends again. It seemed like his jealousy from high school started again. He would call my cell phone at least 20 times while I was out. Or, call my girlfriend's husband's to really find out if I was out with the girls. He did this all in subtle ways. Let me explain: when he called my cell phone several times, he would make excuses for calling, so it wouldn't seem he was checking on me. Like he would say he couldn't find something or tell me a friend called and he was giving me a message or wanted to know if I was safe and he was worried. When he called my friend's husbands he would talk about other things with them and then gradually bring up something like "so, the girls are at so and so tonight, huh"? This way he would find out if I was really with them. He only called my friend's husbands when I was out. Otherwise, he wasn't friends with any of them. He would call me this much even when I was at the grocery store. I felt like I was being stalked. I felt creepy like I was being watched and he said he was just being a worried husband and I should be glad that he cares. If I came home late from work, he would call my whole family to find out where I was and make my family seem like I was irresponsible for not checking in with him. I only went to buy milk on the way home. He even had my 4 year daughter catching on to his behavior. She would wait by the door for me to come home from work and check the digital clock if it was after 5:00 and start crying if I was home past 5. He is very subtle in his ways. What I mean by this is he's not loud or demanding toward me. It's the things he would say, like "I'm a caring husband", or maybe you're clinically depressed and should see a doctor", or "this is just the way I am, I worry too much".
There's a lot more but this is just some of the examples. We have
money issues too which I think is part of his controlling nature.
When I told him we need counselling, he would tell me to go alone
and that I am the one with the problem because I can't accept him
the way he is. He thought my unhappiness was brought on by something
medically wrong with me and even made my mother believe it. They
both wanted me to go to a doctor to find out why I was feeling the
way I am. She thought I was depressed. When I tell him I want to
separate, rather than trying to make things work, he would threaten
me and say he would keep the kids and that I shouldn't try to find
someone else because no one will accept me with all my kids. His jealousy and insecurity that you were too good for him led him to a level of jealousy that has it’s only output as control of the person you are with.
Control of where you are, who you are with, who you are allowed to
speak with and even be friends with. Control of money, spending and
even gift buying. You
didn’t let anyone down, you did the best you could under the most
difficult of situations. * Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2007 AdviceGeneral.com. If you
want advice, find out more about Rob at:
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