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How to lose the fear of her saying no to
you and ask her out.
Dear
Rob,
Hi, my name is Dave, and I really need your help on this one.
There
is this girl that I like. And she probably likes me too. It was
because of her looking at me all the time that I start liking her.
I'm really getting tired of sitting next to her in fifth hour,
knowing she likes me, and not being able to even look at her cause I
get so nervous.
She
is very shy too. She's super quiet around me. And I find it hard to
show her I like her. I've seen many of the body signals that a shy
girl might do. Like in 2nd hour I can see her looking at me from
across the room smiling (like every minute or so.) I really try hard
to look back and stare but I can't (too shy). Then once 5th hour
rolls around, all we do is sit there very quietly with each other
(it's so obvious we like each other).
I
really don't want to regret not telling her I like her, when I know
she like me. And she seems so nervous around me. She can't stop
shaking her legs, and she moves her hands a lot. But yet if I were
drawing in my notebook, she'd somehow notice it, but it would be on
the far side of my desk? Yes I can tell that she watches me when I'm
not looking, and I do the same.
Now I
can't say that she is outgoing, but she is the Junior captain of the
girl basketball team. And I really find it hard to believe that this
might be the girl I finally hook up with. I don't want to regret
liking her and the relationship never happening. Please tell me what
a 16 year old can do in a time like this.
But one thing I did notice is that, I can act like I like a girl
that I don't and feel comfortable. But when it comes down to a girl
I like, I go shy.
Please help me!!!!!
Dave
Hi Dave,
I do understand what you mean, being able to talk to the girls in
your group, being comfortable with them but not being able to talk
to the girl you're really attracted that isn’t a part of your group.
Some guys call this a “fear of women”, or a “fear of rejection”.
Actually it’s more deep than that. It’s an instinctive response by
the male trying to remain protected, not put himself at risk or
danger of being hurt when attracting a female. It’s totally normal.
The sweating, the fear, the loss of words and sudden lack of
self-confidence. Every guy goes through this. Really.
If you’re not the “leader of the pack” as some would say, then
you’re trying to keep yourself protected and in a safe place. When
you are the leader you always have defenses (read: friends) to fall
back on that will offer you support when you are threatened (read:
putting yourself at risk) by allowing yourself to be in contact with
the girl of interest.
Some guys get a friend (read: wingman) to offset the situation by
having their friend deal with the girls other friends that are
present and supply cover or an excuse to either talk to her or end
the conversation when talk isn’t working out.
The one fact that is missing when you are a teenager is that this is
normal, it’s a part of life and whether you win (read: talk to her)
or lose (read: bail out and never talk to her), another opportunity
is around the corner, or a flip of the calendar’s page.
The other fact that no one will tell you is that the girl is just as
scared as you are. Seriously.
I remember being your age and having the same fear. Did I conquer
it? Sure. As I grew older I outgrew it.
Did I conquer the fear at the time I first felt this fear? No. I saw
the girl, the object of my future happiness, several times, a few
times when it was just the two of us and no other friends around.
After seeing her about a dozen times I finally just asked her where
she worked (we were both teens but I knew she had a job and at that
time we were both waiting for the same bus), I asked her questions
about her job and tried to get her to do most of the talking. This
is a conversational skill that every guy needs to know, how to
create conversation by letting the girl talk and asking questions
that keep her talking. After I saw her at work a couple of times,
making sure to say “Hi” and chat a bit, I got her number and called
her up. We went bowling, which is a great teen date and started
dating seriously after that.
So, what you want to do is use what you have in common with her, in
your case you take the same classes. She’s already noticed you and
is more shy that you are (really!), so ask her to go after school
today (yes, this afternoon) and study for a test with you. Or help
on a project that you have due. Something that involves both of you,
in a safe, public place, without your friends hanging around
screaming out being jerks in the background.
Never, ever ask a girl to “Go out sometime”, it’s a deal killer. If
you’re going to ask a girl to meet you, have a plan. You’re a loser
if you put it like this “Hi, do you want to go out sometime?” Do you
see what’s wrong with asking her out like that? You’re trying to
play it safe. If she says no you’re not too much hurt because it was
just “sometime”. And by adding the “sometime” you were actually
saying “Hi, I like you and I hope that you like me but you probably
think I’m a dork, but anyways, I want to go out with you, if you’ll
let me, but I want you to decide what to do because if I had an idea
of what a girl wouldn’t reject me over I wouldn’t be so scared right
now”.
And then she says “No”.
And she said no because you didn’t have a plan.
So, buck up, lose the fear of her saying no to you and ask her out
doing something that the both of you have in common. Homework in the
library is a good start. Or something along those lines. Just make
sure you complete the deal by having a time and a place for this to
happen.
When she says yes, tell her where you’ll meet, what you’ll be doing
and until when. Maybe get her email too at this time, so you can
chat later with her.
And if she says no, just smile and say “Maybe we can do this another
time?” and watch for her reply. She’ll use body language to project
her answer before she says anything. Watch for the good body
language, whether she is standing or sitting:
She touches your arm;
She smiles and looks down, to the right;
She stutters and straightens her back, as if to stand taller;
She makes eye contact but only until she talks to you then she looks
away;
She looks over to her friends for help or support.
When something like that happens you’re good for another attempt.
Maybe she just had something already planned. She’s not shooting you
down, she’s just going to wait for another flyby.
If you see the bad body language:
She steps back;
She doesn’t smile and looks down and to her left;
She stays hunched but makes eye contact and keeps looking at you as
she talks;
She looks towards the door or any way of exit from you.
Those are negative body language signals and it’s best to leave your
planning to another time, another place. It’s not the end, but she
just isn’t interested at that time.
Now then, to sum up:
Recognize that the feeling of fear is normal;
Know that she is as nervous as you are;
You’ve got to ask her out to really know her answer;
You’ve got to have a plan ready for when she says yes;
If she says no she may just have other plans at that time and you
can try again in a few days;
And most important of all, understand that guys get rejected by
women all the time. Otherwise there’d be no such thing as “dating”
it would be “Hi, welcome to our marriage”.
Best wishes,
Rob
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Disclaimer: ©2006-2012 AdviceGeneral.com.
This article and any articles published by "Ask Rob! The Advice
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