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Ask Rob! The
Advice General
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When you love someone,
at what age can you make a lifetime commitment? Certainly not 15!
Dear
Rob,
I'm a 15 year old boy, and I'm dating a girl three years my senior.
I know this has been said so many times before by millions of
others, but I feel like I really love her with my whole heart, we
talk about anything and everything, and we are not afraid to show
our feelings to each other.
Now the problem:
I met her at a strip club, not that I have any problem with that,
she's a nice respectable girl, don't get me wrong, it's just that I
really want to pursue a relationship with her, and I don't know how
the knowledge of this girl's (soon to be) previous job will bode
with the feelings of my family.
She is quitting the job because she also wants to pursue a
relationship with me, and she wants to return to school. I know
there are an abundance of teenagers who think they are ready for
love and marriage and so on, but I know most if not all fail to see
how this may affect their lives.
I want to be the one who cares for her, protects her, and grows old
with her, I'm new at asking advice, since my life has been pretty
textbook until I met this girl, and everything is so confusing. I
was just hoping you could help me clear my thoughts with some
healthy advice.
Hope to hear from you,
Philip
Hi Philip,
You asked so I'm going to answer:
15 and 18 is too young to plan a life together. You both aren't
mature enough. You want to know how I can tell this about you?
Because you are making commitments that you can't follow through on;
because you are deciding the rest of your life without talking to
your parents about these changes you plan and these feelings you
have;
because, at 15, you can't even take care of yourself, no job, no
education, no car, no place to live on your own, so how are you
going to take care of someone else?
Now, I know what you're going to say to me "Rob, I've thought it
through and this is what I want to do".
Well, if that were true, you'd have a plan to finish school, and let
your ex-stripper girlfriend finish school too, before making these
life-changing decisions.
As well, you would be talking to your parents about these decisions
so that they can help you. But, usually is the case, teens hide
these decisions from their parents because deep down they know that
their parents will react negatively.
You have to change your plans from "the rest of your life" to "the
rest of the year" type goals.
If you and your girlfriend can be honest with your parents about
your plans you have a chance to succeed at these decisions. If you
have to do all this behind their backs, you will continue to make
mistakes and poor choices that will affect the rest of your life.
Honestly.
As teens mature and start to understand more about the life that is
before them, as you get older and experiment with interactions with
the opposite sex, it's easy to start looking at life through a
narrow lens.
Your focus changes from the latest video game and what to eat for a
snack to how you can involve the person you love more and more into
your life without thinking through the consequences.
But it is this narrow view that stops you from seeing life as it
really is.
These "love blinders" don't allow you to see a life with bills,
payments, needing new clothes, groceries, a job that pays well
enough to support yourself and the family you create.
As teens move from the "World is all centered around me" to the
"World is about all I want to do", the possibilities are
overwhelming. The responsibilities of maturity are not yet
understood or presented in a way to help a teen to make choices that
benefits the rest of their lives. It's only their immediate, and
somewhat selfish needs (even involving others) that get any
attention or thought.
Love, moving in together, having sex, being ready to make adult
choices are powerful thoughts that cast these narrow lenses that
stop you from seeing the whole world around you and your true place
in it.
The world isn't ready for you to make these choices as long as you
try to make them on your own at this age.
I'm not saying don't plan your future.
But I am saying that you need to stop thinking so selfishly. Stop
thinking about your own desires, even if your girlfriend shares them
with you.
Plan your future, just make sure that it involves the choices that
your parents have also made for you so far: finish school, get a
good job.
Then move out on your own, date, get married and have children on
your own.
One step at a time; One adult responsibility at a time.
To sum up:
Get honest with yourself. Talk to your parents. Plan your life but
finish school before making any life-changing commitments to anyone
other than yourself.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*
Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to
help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone
that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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