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When you make yourself available for
sex, you don't have a serious relationship, but you keep going back
for more it's time to take a long hard look at yourself.
Hi
Rob,
I have never done this but its just been eating away at me lately.
I met this guy three years ago and we hit if off right away, as best
friends, but six months later it turned into more, and we started
going out. After a while though things got rocky and we broke up but
stayed best friends and eventually fell right back into our
relationship habits because he had been staying at my apartment as
my roommate.
Anyway, it turned into a "friends with benefits" thing even though
neither of us would call it that. We have now gone out and broken up
five times now but this last time I had moved to Florida with him
because he wanted me too and I did. But soon afterwards he dumped me
again and he started dating someone else when I went home for my
sister's wedding.
When I got back I was angry and hurt and moved back home. But he
kept calling me everyday while he was dating her and even more so
after they broke up three months later. He came to visit three times
and then talked me into coming up there twice. And once more we have
slipped into the "friends with benefits" role even though I am still
pretty bitter.
And I don't know what to do. I love him and he is the best friend I
have ever had and I don't want to lose that, yet he has caused me
more pain than anyone else emotionally.
He gets horribly jealous when another guy flirts with me or when I
try to move on and date someone else but he cannot say he cares for
me. Should I give it one more try? Or should I just suck it up and
try to forget him and lose my best friend?
Thanks, Messed Up.
Hi Messed Up,
You're right to question this relationship because it's not a
healthy one. There is nothing "two-way" about what you have here.
Multiple breakups and continually making yourself available to this
guy tells me that you need to work on your self-confidence, your
inner strength, and stop being so dependent on someone so
controlling and destructive.
This guy fits the controlling profile type to a T. And, he's using
you for sex.
His jealousy tells me that he wants what he wants and will fight
everyone, even you, to get it. This isn't love, heck, it's barely
friendship. He has you under his control and uses whatever he can to
keep you there.
He's going to be a heck of an abuser later on, if he hasn't hit you
already he sure knows your buttons to push to keep you under his
control.
I suggest you distance yourself from him and keep him away. Break
all contact. Don't let him waste more of your life away.
He's not really a friend, he's someone you've been intimate with, on
his terms only, and that will never change. Never let someone else
have such control over you because when the light finally comes on
you'll find that you really have wasted those months or years with a
control freak that never considered your feelings.
You know by the tone of your letter that you need to break up with
him once and for all.
And you're right!
So do it.
Best wishes,
Rob.
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:
For Women
For Men
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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