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The Relationship Isn't There Yet!

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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He’s planning a future with you, and custody of the kids, guaranteed. But do you want this instant family with all of these responsibilities of raising someone else's kids, especially when his ex is still in the picture?

    

 Hi Rob,
I’ve exhausted all my girlfriends advice and thought I’d get a guy’s opinion. Not sure how this works or if I’ll hear back, but here goes.

So, I was recently divorced over a year ago after having been separated for over 2 years, and started dating again.

After a string of miserable dates, I met a guy who I thought was GREAT online.

We had both been cheated on and understood that we wanted to take things slow.

We emailed and texted for 3 months before deciding to meet, and once we met, we had great chemistry. Lots in common and tons of fun together. After almost 3 months of dating, his ex-wife starting using his children to manipulate him.

When he first told me what was going on, my response was that it was a lot to deal with. I mean, we are still in a new relationship and haven’t talked about anything serious.

At the beginning, I thought this would all blow over.

When she originally started playing games with him, he broke a date with me (an event with my friends). Since I thought he was in a state of shock (and he was) I didn’t want to let it bother me too much, but at the same time, his multi-daily texts of telling me how much he liked me and missed me when we weren’t together stopped.

He’s always been the one sort of moving ahead and I’ve liked him, but been more wary.

Anyway, so after my event, and being stood up at the last minute, with him not responding to texts and everything, I sent him an email, basically saying that I understood that he was going through something difficult and clearly upsetting, but that cancelling on me last minute wasn’t cool, and sort of reminded me about things my ex used to do.

His response to that was a VERY LONG and said lots of great things about our relationship like “he cares about me more than words” “would never cancel on me at the last minute unless it was something hugely important.”

He said things like his feeling run very deep for me, and that this isn’t some kind of casual game or fling for him.

There are also things talking about what “our” next step is, and things we need to talk more about since it was still new and we hadn’t fully opened up to each other.

However, there’s this other half of the email that says things like he felt that when I said it was “a lot” that I was unable to work through issues with him and we need to focus on the love we have for each other and not our problems, and one line that said something about knowing that the right girl for him was someone who knew his kids were a big deal to him but could work out stuff.

At the end of the email he asked for the weekend alone and to think about what each of us really wanted and for me to respond, which I did, basically saying that of course his kids are a huge deal, and thinking about changing the custody agreement was a big deal.

I said that whereas we were working towards a place where we could possibly get more serious we just weren’t there yet, and that this was a big deal. I wanted to continue to date, deal with the kid issues and see where things went.

I was in no means ready to make a lifelong commitment.

Well, that was a month ago. He’s been responding to texts and says he doesn’t want to end things with me, but he’s so focused on his kids that he can’t move things forward either.

So…We’re in limbo? I don’t know.

Sometimes, I hate the way our world is so technological and we don’t just pick up the phone and talk.

I know he is dealing with a lot, but I don’t want to keep sending him texts and emails hearing the same thing, that he likes me but is “paralyzed” by this situation.

He says he doesn’t want to close the door on “us” but we haven’t seen each other in almost a month and we still talk and text. I’m trying to let him have his space to sort this out, but I don’t like how it feels at the same time.

I’m utterly confused. Help!
Patricia

Dear Patricia,
Your letter stood out for me because you’re on the verge of making a huge mistake, that is, unless you’re ready for the “instant family” that also includes the “beaten down ex-husband” and the “embittered ex-wife” that will dog your every move until all the kids turn 18 and there are no longer any legal ties that hold him to her.

These are many years that will not be your own and after looking after his kids for a few years you may begin to regret your choice of a “committed relationship” that is so much work for so little privacy.

You must understand that if he is a good dad, even without custody, he will be broke paying child support (unless he has an amazing job… but even still who knows what percentage he pays in proper child support) and all the additional items that will need to be paid for. Kids need food, clothes, books, toys, gadgets, etc, and this is usually left up to the spouse without custody, one way or another.

From what you described to me, he needs to settle things with his ex before the two of you move forward in a relationship.

He’s planning a future with you, and custody of the kids, guaranteed.

You’re right to back up things and not go ahead without full thought of what all of this means. And despite our technological advances there is still no excuse for a good old-fashioned phone call.

End the texts with their subliminal meanings and the next time he texts you anything respond with "Call me, I want to hear your voice". This will also let you know if he actually has the time to call you, to give to you and you alone. Or if texts to you are an afterthought to keep you around. How can you even be certain he isn't dating someone else or getting back with his ex right now?

I hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Rob

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* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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