The rules of marriage
require both are treated equally. All too often the husband thinks
only of himself and his needs. This type of behavior has to be
confronted, without anger, crying or accusation. Couples counseling
is highly recommended for married people and live-ins that have this
problem.
Dear
Rob,
My husband and I are married for 2 years and 2 months now. We were
in love for 4 years before being married.
My parents opposed the marriage and fought against it until it
happened.
We have a group of common friends that I like so much. The problem
is that my husband is very selfish, he does what he wants to do when
he wants to do it without considering me or thinking of our little
daughter.
We do not have much of a private life, we have to spend all our
spare time with our group of friends. I can not plan to go out
anywhere if they are not coming. Thursdays are sacred for them.
I can not go to the cinema if they did not feel like it. My husband
does not like going to a restaurant with me to even have lunch. The
only common thing that we share is going to the pool. That is all.
I might like to do some things in the weekend but I have to either
go by myself or take some of my friends but never to bother him
because he will not do anything for me.
If I want to spend any time with him then I will have to do it his
way or find my own way to entertain myself alone. He has no concern
to do anything even for one hour just for me. In all the occasions,
it's the same to him: birthdays, Valentine's Day, marriage
anniversary means nothing to him.
He does not want to exchange presents and he does not want to go out
even though he knows that this matters to me so much. I have to
accommodate myself always on his likes & dislikes but mine are my
own problems. He does allow anyone to tell him what to do, he
chooses what he will do according to his mood. If I want something I
have to do it and not bother him.
I hope I explained my problem. I want to find a solution. I love him
but still I can not bear this kind of attitude anymore.
I began to be not wanting to share anything with our friends. If I
do not want to (sometimes before I used to go not because I want to
but because I have to share with him something). I began to feel not
wanting to share anything with him if he does not want to share
anything with me. I am not over demanding I demand a little and on
long intervals other than that we do all what he likes and even this
is not appreciated by him.
Thanks in advance,
Mary-Jane
Hi Mary-Jane,
Now is the time for you to confront him about being inconsiderate of
you and his bad behavior.
Sit him down and tell him openly how he makes you feel. That he is
not being fair or nice to you. A marriage is a partnership, not a
place for a husband to think only of himself.
And, the next time that be talks badly of you in front of you and
his friends, you immediately do this:
Repeat what he said, and say "I can't believe that you'd say that
about me, your loving wife" and wait for his reply.
Whenever he says something mean, hurtful or selfish use a variation
of that phrase:
"I can't believe that you'd say that about me, your loving wife"
"I can't believe that you'd wouldn't think about me, your loving
wife"
"I can't believe that you'd make me do this all by myself, your
loving wife"
If you continue to let him mistreat you, you'll have to live with it
for the rest of your marriage.
If you stand up for yourself, eventually he will understand that he
cannot treat you so badly.
Guys like this usually were overly doted on by their mothers or
older siblings. They were always allowed to do what they want, the
consequences of their actions never being made apparent to them or
having to apologize for thinking only of themselves. Changing this
behavior requires calm, thoughtful confrontation.
Never become angry.
Don't cry.
Remain calm when you talk to him about his behavior, don't let him
turn the fault of his behavior onto yourself (a sign of controlling
behavior).
And when he's being mean in front of his friends towards you, repeat
what he said and ask him, in front of his friends, why he'd say such
a hurtful thing.
To rein in a poorly behaving, selfish husband, you have to make the
rules of your marriage, friendship and relationship clear to him.
You need to be calm and not back down from talking to him about his
continuing to hurt you emotionally by his actions and words.
You may also want to talk to his parents and older siblings about
his behavior. How they dealt with it, why maybe he acts this way. A
little insight can go a long way.
If you can start counseling as well, this will help you to
understand how to deal with these husband troubles. Go alone if he
won't join you.
You'll become a better person, a stronger wife, for doing these
things.
Best wishes,
Rob.
*
Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to
help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated
as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the
best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone
that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental.
And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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